How do you honour a loss while celebrating a new addition?

October.

To my husband and I, this month represents:

  • The loss of our daughter due to ectopic pregnancy on October 7, 2014
  • The upcoming birth of our son – estimated due date October 15, 2015

Lately, I’ve been thinking about how we can grieve/remember/honour the upcoming anniversary of the loss of our first child while celebrating the birth of our second child.

Grief vs. Joy

These two emotions are such opposites. Yet for someone who has faced infertility and pregnancy loss and is transitioning into the state of parenting a baby earth-side, these emotions can be very much experienced at the same time.

How do you explain that to someone who will not acknowledge your loss in the first place? 

You don’t… or you do so without expectation.

Earlier tonight, I read a post by Sondra from A Calm Persistence about the importance of seeking support. In her post, the lesson that stood out the most for me was to seek support where it’s most likely to be given in a positive way. I know I spent too much of my own journey looking for support from the wrong people. Once you find the people who “get it”, the journey overall seems a bit easier.

When I speak about my ectopic pregnancy, it’s easy to hide the grief. It’s easy to put aside all of the emotions that are tied into loosing a child and simply focus on the medical procedure and consequential outcomes.

But when I speak of Emme, I can’t hide my grief. My voice cracks. My eyes tear up. My wounds within my heart are visible for all to see.

She existed. She is our daughter… even if she isn’t with us now.

Still, that concept remains hard for so many people to grasp. They prefer to ignore it rather than work through their own awkwardness into a place of compassion and understanding.

My grief is normal, healthy and common. The infertility and pregnancy loss community has shown me that.

I don’t have a plan for this upcoming Wednesday except that I don’t want to take myself back to the memories of the night we lost Emme. The fear. The sadness. The aloneness.

Instead, I want to honour the beauty Emme has brought into our lives, the reassurance I have knowing she is watching over us and the gift that she gave us through her passing – her little brother.

I won’t hide my grief.

I won’t hide my joy.

I’ve chosen to share them both.

Because I know there’s another woman out there experiencing the same feelings as I am.

And she deserves to know she’s not alone. ❤

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6 thoughts on “How do you honour a loss while celebrating a new addition?

  1. ❤ I'm so glad you were able to connect to my post. I now know where to look for support but it took a lot of time to realize not everyone will hurt you. I think it's beautiful how you are honoring Emme and sharing about her. ❤ And I'm so glad you're speaking up about it too because there is someone reading this that does need to hear these words.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Miscarriage on April 5, 2014. Gave birth to Isabel on April 4, 2015. I will always remember our 1st baby and wonder “what if”. I love him or her and remember the due date. I also felt the timing of Isabel’s birth was significant. Healing in a way that’s hard to explain on a blog comment. It’s a complex but significant grief. Thanks for sharing your heart!

    Like

  3. I get it. We found out we were miscarrying the twins on our anniversary last year, and Jonathan’s due date was May 6th (the day before our anniversary) this year…of course…he was 3 months early. Funny how life happens. I celebrate both too. XO

    Like

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