When it’s time to let it go

I’m getting better at handling insensitive/inappropriate comments about infertility.

In July, an IVF friend of mine had her beautiful baby girl a month early. A few weeks ago, she turned one month old and I told my Mom I couldn’t believe she was already a month when she was only just supposed to arrive into the world.

My mom’s reaction was, “Oh your friend must have had her dates wrong!“.

My response, “No Mom. You don’t ever get your dates wrong with IVF. You know exactly the age of the embryo upon transfer“.

I tried to explain a bit more. When she didn’t seem interested, I nonchalantly ended the phone call.

On Saturday, my husband and I stopped by for a visit with his Aunt and Uncle.  At one point, she asked if we would have to do IVF again to have another child. I explained that we don’t know, but that based on our previously unexplained status, the success of ISCI versus natural fertilization, and the fact that I’m now down to 1 Fallopian tube, our odds of natural conception are very low; although, not completely gone.

Her response was, “Well I think it will be easier for you now that the stress of having your first child is over.“. She turned to my husband and said, “You let her heal up good, then you get in there and get it done!“.

I looked at him and his face sunk. He ignored her comment and kept watching the football game on TV.

I told her that we really don’t like it when people ask us about having a second child. We don’t know what path we will take and we’d prefer to enjoy our moments with this baby as he deserves to be the focus right now.

Then, she said, “Well you could always adopt!”. 

*sigh* 

I initially wondered HOW so many people still DO NOT GET IT after everything I’ve explained to them about the IVF process, but then I reminded myself that if someone doesn’t care to get it, they never will no matter how many times you reiterate the facts.

We know the facts because we’ve lived them. It’s hard for someone else to understand your position when they’ve never been in your shoes. As much as you hope your family will be compassionate, I need to accept that not everyone can be or wants to be – especially all the time. Instead of getting angry at their comments, I will let them go.

I don’t always hold back, but right now, it’s much better for me (and for baby) to move on.

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32 thoughts on “When it’s time to let it go

  1. ❤ It is so hard to hear that kind of stuff. ❤ Why can't people understand it more. Understand that optimism isn't what you are looking for. At the moment you are looking to get through this pregnancy, with a healthy baby. Then maybe some day down the road you will expore the options of what you want to do.

    Its hard because they know that infertility plays a part in your life. Why not just understand that future children is not something you want to talk about.

    Sorry about insensitive people.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s shocking how many people have asked us about a Baby #2 since we’ve gotten pregnant (obviously forgetting this technically is Baby #2). I want to enjoy at least the first year of my son’s life with the focus on him before we ever even start considering what the future holds.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I wish people just “understood” ivf and infertility – it would make things a lot easier; and the questions a lot less invasive to answer 😦 – I guess it’s one of those “things” though huh 😦 You just get through this pregnancy and baby first – second baby questions and answers can come later! You want to enjoy this wee one’s pregnancy and snuggles ❤ – Hugs and love xxxx – i hope that someday soon people understand a little more!

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  3. I don’t know that it ever gets easier. Even now when I overhear nosey people (mainly older women at work) ask people about having second children I get defensive for those people. What if they had a hard time getting pregnant the first time? Those nosey Nancy’s don’t know! And what if they didn’t have trouble but have had trouble conceiving the second time around? No one really knows people’s stories, and shit….even in your situation where certain people DO KNOW they’re still insensitive. I’ll never get it. Thinking of you guys. I pray it gets easier, but I know it’ll never be “easy” to hear those things!

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  4. What an idiot. People never cease to shock me with the way they think. Not even just what they say, but the fact that they really believe the crap they say.

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  5. I recently had a comment made to the effect of “well now that your body has figured it out, you shouldn’t need IVF again!” Yes, because my body has “figured out” my inherited thrombophilia, how to fix my terrible egg quality and how to no longer grow fibroids. Honestly.

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  6. It’s so frustrating how nonchalant hurtful people who have no idea what they are saying can be. Like my nurse who said to me on my checkup after they found the blood clots “You shouldn’t risk your life to have a family, just get a dog.” No, it’s not the same, not in the least. I’m glad you’ve found the strength to let these things go when people just don’t care to try to understand.

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  7. You’re so right- it’s not worth sweating it right now. I think people are stubborn and set in their ways of sharing their opinions whether they are called for or not. It’s kind of a product of society to form an opinion before fully understanding the dynamics at play. We roll out eyes and flat out refuse to answer asinine questions now. You can imagine the plethora of questions people dream up when they hear about lesbians making babies. *Sigh*

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    • Yes, ladyloveandbabydust had a good list of stupid things people have said to them. I always say I’m so grateful for all the lesbian couples I’ve met on this journey. All of us have the same goal: to bring a child into this world to share our love with. How we all get there doesn’t matter.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. OMG! PEOPLE! Since my belly is so large I have to explain all the time that we know the exact date this baby was made because of ivf and that we hope to have another child one day but for now we’re really happy to be pregnant with this one. Then I have to tell people we likely won’t don’t ivf again because our first cycle was just too perfect and those circumstances most likely won’t be presented again. Ugh. And we haven’t even had our babies yet! Wth? Good lord.

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  9. I kept cringing as I read this. Some people truly don’t get it and I think it is the older generation. Yes, you should be able to enjoy this moment right now and worry about your path to a second child later if you and your husband choose to do so.

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  10. You get a high five for not slapping the aunt for her inappropriate comments. No way I would have been able to hold back with preggo hormones coursing through my veins! I sincerely hope organizations like resolve can raises enough public awareness on infertility and pregnancy loss to elicit understanding and thus empathy in the general population.

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  11. How frustrating! My own doctor (family doctor) says stuff like that, shit about how SO MANY women get pregnant on their own with #2. “You never know!” Yeah, well, I suppose it’s technically possible, but SO not likely to happen. I wish people would either not say anything at all, or just say something supportive like, “I hope it’s easier/quicker the second time,” or “No matter how many kids you have, you’re going to rock parenthood!”

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  12. This is exactly what I’ve been chewing on of late. Why is it that more often than not, people don’t get it? I have two friendships that were severely damaged by the reactions/responses to my miscarriages and Ivf. And I really struggled with where my desire yo be understood ended and their innate inability to be empathetic began. I felt so much anger at them and at myself for ‘needing too much, feeling too much’. I honestly didn’t know how to deal with the lack of understanding. On the other hand my bff was flawless and I felt loved and supported and she did not have fertility issues but she was able yo emphasize. So I’m glad you brought this up. Excellent post!

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