Last night I got a pedicure thanks to my amazing girlfriends who bought it for me as a birthday gift. We have a wedding to attend this weekend. I thought it was a perfect chance to polish my tootsies up – especially since this prego won’t be dressed as much as I normally would be (translation: maxi dress, nice flip flops and jewellery).
The technician was a nice gal. She wasn’t feeling well half way through and excused herself. I told her not to worry as I’ve had a rough pregnancy and understand what it’s like to balance work/sickness.
When she returned we got talking about pregnancy and trying to conceive. She told me that they are trying to conceive, then she corrected herself and said, “Well, I’m off the pill. We aren’t really trying, but we aren’t really stopping it. I don’t really want to get pregnant though as we are getting married next month and then going on our honeymoon.”
She commented how she would really like to get pregnant right away when they get home. She couldn’t imagine having to wait.
I told her that once you get stuck waiting, you have no choice but to develop patience. I mentioned that we did fertility treatments, specifically IVF. I didn’t get into any details besides that.
At one point, she asked me if I thought they should try right now before the wedding since it could take them longer.
I asked her age and she told me she’s 21. I was surprised. I honestly thought she was much older. I told her she’s got lots of time to have a kid. I suggested she enjoy her honeymoon and wait until she’s home. I let her know that my sister and sister-in-laws all successfully conceived very quickly after they started trying.
I recommended that she look into the book, Taking Charge of your Fertility by Toni Weschler, if they haven’t conceived a few months after trying.
We talked about baby names. She got confused and asked me how old my daughter was. I was taken back for a moment, but I didn’t get into details about our loss. I even told her that this was our first baby.
There was a sense of innocence about this girl. I didn’t feel like the time or place was right to unveil the details of our story, our struggle, our grief. She didn’t need to be inundated with that sense of worry.
I want this girl and her future husband to be successful. I didn’t want them to go into trying to conceive worried about the “what ifs” and the timing. I didn’t want to make it systematic and on-demand like it had been for us for so long.
So, I went against everything I’ve been telling myself about owning my truth. I didn’t unveil that I do actually have a daughter, but she died. I didn’t give her a course in Fertility 101. I didn’t explain that I, too, once felt as hopeful as she does right now.
I smiled and I wished her good luck. I told her that I hope that everything works out for them.
Because I truly do.