When the time is right

Last night I got a pedicure thanks to my amazing girlfriends who bought it for me as a birthday gift. We have a wedding to attend this weekend. I thought it was a perfect chance to polish my tootsies up – especially since this prego won’t be dressed as much as I normally would be (translation: maxi dress, nice flip flops and jewellery).

The technician was a nice gal. She wasn’t feeling well half way through and excused herself. I told her not to worry as I’ve had a rough pregnancy and understand what it’s like to balance work/sickness.

When she returned we got talking about pregnancy and trying to conceive. She told me that they are trying to conceive, then she corrected herself and said, “Well, I’m off the pill. We aren’t really trying, but we aren’t really stopping it. I don’t really want to get pregnant though as we are getting married next month and then going on our honeymoon.” 

She commented how she would really like to get pregnant right away when they get home. She couldn’t imagine having to wait.

I told her that once you get stuck waiting, you have no choice but to develop patience. I mentioned that we did fertility treatments, specifically IVF. I didn’t get into any details besides that.

At one point, she asked me if I thought they should try right now before the wedding since it could take them longer.

I asked her age and she told me she’s 21. I was surprised. I honestly thought she was much older. I told her she’s got lots of time to have a kid. I suggested she enjoy her honeymoon and wait until she’s home. I let her know that my sister and sister-in-laws all successfully conceived very quickly after they started trying.

I recommended that she look into the book, Taking Charge of your Fertility by Toni Weschler, if they haven’t conceived a few months after trying.

We talked about baby names. She got confused and asked me how old my daughter was. I was taken back for a moment, but I didn’t get into details about our loss. I even told her that this was our first baby.

There was a sense of innocence about this girl. I didn’t feel like the time or place was right to unveil the details of our story, our struggle, our grief. She didn’t need to be inundated with that sense of worry.

I want this girl and her future husband to be successful. I didn’t want them to go into trying to conceive worried about the “what ifs” and the timing. I didn’t want to make it systematic and on-demand like it had been for us for so long.

So, I went against everything I’ve been telling myself about owning my truth. I didn’t unveil that I do actually have a daughter, but she died. I didn’t give her a course in Fertility 101. I didn’t explain that I, too, once felt as hopeful as she does right now.

I smiled and I wished her good luck. I told her that I hope that everything works out for them.

Because I truly do.

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5 thoughts on “When the time is right

  1. I guess there’s a time and a place for every discussion. Just because didn’t want to take the spark and hope from her, doesn’t mean you necessarily lied to her either. With someone so young and hopeful, I feel like you gave her just enough of a reality check so that she knows it isn’t always super easy, but didn’t scare her either. I feel like you did the right thing 🙂

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  2. I’m glad you did exactly what you did. You can just feel what it’s right and what’s needed, ya know? Pieces of our stories are right for different people, and leaving it at that is the best you can ever do.

    PS: LOVE that book. I recommend it to people all the time, even those not ready to conceive just yet… because it’s good to know the debts before they’re needed, right?

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  3. Interesting. I got my “last hoorah” pedicure today and the woman who owns the salon, who I ADORE, pulled me aside. A few months ago I realized she was no longer pregnant and pulled her aside to tell her I was sorry and told her about our losses and that she wasn’t alone. She revealed a lot to me that day about her previous losses so I gave her my REs info. Today she looked so much happier and she said her and her husband are taking a break but are schilling an appointment with my RE in a few months. She was so appreciative of my openness and it was amazing to have that connection with a “stranger”. Opposite of your experience of course but interesting we had those experiences the same day.

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  4. I think you did the right thing for whatever that’s worth. Sometimes conversations with strangers blow me away. I cannot tell you how many women have confided in me that they have suffered from IF or pregnancy loss before I have admitted my full back story or even any part of it in some cases. I always share if someone else is making herself vulnerable but what’s been remarkable to me are the occasions when a teeny admission by me (we did IVF to have this baby) unleashes an outpouring from nurses, lab technicians, nail salon employees, etc. You are right, there is a right time to share and a right time to hold our tongues. And a whole slew of reasons why we might do so one day and not another.

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