Rising up through fear during a pregnancy after loss

At our first hypnobirthing class, the instructor asked what your biggest fear about pregnancy/delivery was.

My answer: “That we will lose this baby”.

Yes, I was THAT weirdo. No one else even mentioned pregnancy loss but me.

Fear happens after you endure infertility and loss. It’s inevitable.

I’ve been feeling good lately. I’m balanced and ready. Fear doesn’t overwhelm me which has made me ponder what I did to rise up out of my fear during this pregnancy after loss.

Take it in small milestones

From Day 1, I approached this pregnancy by focusing on the small milestones – first beta, second beta, first ultrasound, etc. My goal was to make it to the next milestone without enduring intense anxiety and fear.

Did I always succeed? Not every day.

But, I always knew that I could start fresh the next day.

Reaching the 20 week mark and having our anatomy scan was the biggest milestone for me. It validated my intuition about us having a boy and ensured us that he was growing and healthy. It also marked the halfway point. If we had made it that far, we could and would keep going.

Remember your blessings, honour your grief

Passing the estimated due date of our Angel was another huge step for me. I dreaded this day from the minute we lost her. I’m still unsure how I will react as we pass the 1st anniversary of her leaving us, but I know we have so much more joy now – knowing that her brother is on his way and she is watching over us.

Be grateful (even if it sucks)

Has pregnancy been easy on me? Hardly. Puking daily even while taking anti-nausea meds isn’t an enjoyable experience. Each negative symptom was a sign that my body was pregnant. And if puking my guts out was the only reassurance I could get that my baby was alive and well, then I was willing to take it.

The past few weeks have seemed more real. As my belly grows bigger each day and my little man kicks up a storm (because since his last growth spurt, he boots me constantly), I have those visual reminders that he’s here with me. He’s growing. I’m growing. We are doing this together.

I couldn’t be more grateful for all the symptoms and pregnancy side effects.

Trust
This one is the hardest step to accomplish. Trust in the process. Trust in the timing. Trust in your body’s ability. Trust that your baby will arrive safely into this world.

One of the easiest ways to build your trust is to surround yourself with positivity and support.

Get off those crazy Mommy boards. Only Google if your gut tells you something is legit wrong. Ditch the nay-sayers and negative Nancy’s.

Use affirmations if it helps. Hypnobirthing offers many great ones. You can even purchase the book/CD without attending the class.

I don’t focus on what could go wrong anymore. I have educated myself on my birth options and am leaving them open enough to protect myself and my baby. For me, it’s been easier to trust knowing that I don’t have any complications right now. It’s also been reassuring to have a calm and confident OB.

Building trust in your body, in your baby, in your doctor, in God, the Universe – whatever works for you – is key to making through each day during a pregnancy after loss.

Enjoy each moment you have

We have loved our baby from the start – from when we simply thought about having him, through all of the treatments, up until we first saw him on the screen at our transfer, right up until now at 30 weeks pregnant. We only have an estimated 10 weeks left until we get to meet him face to face. I just want to make the most of it.

We talk to him. We joke about him. We daydream about what he will be like. We track his growth and progress using pregnancy apps. We share in his movements which is one of my favourite times of the day. My husband loves feeling him move.

Seeing the joy and excitement in my husband has sparked my own joy and excitement.

We deserve to feel happy now.

If there’s anything that pregnancy loss has taught me, it’s that we can’t control the outcome no matter how hard we try. Instead of worrying about it, my husband and I are embracing each moment we have with our son.

Now that I’m in the 3rd trimester, this list doesn’t look much different than the one I created in my 1st trimester. Pregnancy after loss is a journey no matter what stage you are at. What matters is that you rise up through the fear and into love. ❤

Refer to my favourite pregnancy after loss articles for more tips, advice and reassurance from other Angel Mommas. ❤ You aren’t alone on this journey. XO

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15 thoughts on “Rising up through fear during a pregnancy after loss

  1. Hi… Thank you so much for writing this post. May seem weird but ur post today was like god send to me. Pregnancy after loss is difficult and very few people understand it. I read ur post after having another meltdown today and it felt like universe telling me to just believe and things will fall into place. I think you have immense strength not only to be able to come out of loss and look forward .. But also to let people w

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      • We had our US today and a pregnancy is visible (gestational sac and yolk sac) measuring 6wks, but I’m 5wks,4days. So the nurse is happy. I have to wait until the 18th for another US, so I’m trying to take control of my fear.

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        • Sondra – Measuring ahead like that is FANTASTIC news! The beginning was the worst for me. It seemed like forever between each scan/appointment. Passing our loss milestone (7 weeks, 1 day) was a huge step, then 12 weeks, then 20 weeks, etc. Once you reach each small milestone, you feel a bit more at ease. Another thing I tried to do was remind myself that the anxiety I felt during our ectopic pregnancy did not change the outcome. Putting that energy into something more positive (like you have been with your garden, trips, etc). is so much more worth it. That being said, accept that triggers will happen. Today my physiotherapist mentioned her son got a scary infection 3 days after birth. I was like oh great! I know I have to worry about getting to/through birth, but I have a feeling we will always have some fear after. Our children are too precious.

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  2. Thank you for this! After a failed transfer and a second FET that resulted in an early miscarriage, I have fears about our upcoming (and final) FET. I feel like I can apply a lot of this to myself as I work on healing for our next transfer.

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  3. Beautiful post. Today is the second anniversary of our loss and it’s still difficult even though my rainbow baby is sleeping in the nursery right now. I loved the paragraph you wrote about enjoying the time you do have. I found the same to be true during my pregnancy. I didn’t want to focus on the negatives any more than I had to and I’m grateful now looking back that I was able to do that.

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    • That gives me reassurance that it also worked for you. Our timing will be interesting as our 1st anniversary is 1 week before our rainbow’s due date. I have faith that we will be able to be excited this year while honouring our little girl as well.

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