Last night at our hypnobirthing class, another gal asked me if we want to have more than one child.
I fumbled for words and replied with, “Ummm, ughh, well… we might have to pay for another child. Yes we would love to have one, but we may have to do IVF again”.
If there’s a set of questions that has bothered me since we got pregnant, it’s that: Will you do IVF again? Do you plan on having more children?
When you face infertility, the answer is never simple.
I didn’t plan on struggling to get pregnant.
I didn’t plan on doing IVF.
I didn’t plan on losing our first baby.
We would love to have two children on earth. I’ve always pictured myself with two kids – the perfect family of four. We do have many options to make that happen. Although when you have difficulty conceiving on your own, the options become complicated, emotionally-charged and costly.
The hardest part about these questions is that I feel like it detracts from this pregnancy.
Can’t we be left alone to enjoy growing and bringing our son into the world?
Why do we need to rush life and prepare for the future?
Infertility and pregnancy loss teaches you to slow down; to cherish the small milestones. Deep down, you know that nothing is guaranteed. Life could change instantaneously and completely side-rail your plans. You take life one day at a time, one step at a time.
So, what’s our future family plan?
We aren’t thinking about it.
When the time feels right, we will entertain our options for growing our family.
Right now, we are going to cherish each and every second we have with our son and welcome him with love into this world. He’s our focus right now. We’ve worked so hard to have him.
Our family is growing by one beautiful baby boy – and for now, that’s enough for us.
Awaiting Autumn 
I am somewhat different in that for timing reasons (not so much age, but fibroids and poor egg quality), we have HAD to think about next steps and already know that we will be doing another fresh cycle when this baby is around 6 months old. This has some other consequences (like having to stop breastfeeding early). I just don’t have the luxury of putting it off and waiting, so it is what it is. Just another thing that infertility has robbed me of.
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I totally understand. I’m just turning 30, so we hope we have a bit of time. Right now, the plan is to wait 2 years and if nothing happens, then do another fresh IVF. But I really want to be able to enjoy those 2 years with my son without worrying about IVF – may be easier said than done!
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I would love to follow that type of plan, sounds great to me. 🙂 I am 35, so not super old, but I have already had 2 surgeries for fibroids and they do grow back. Right now I have one that’s 1.3cm and one that’s 1.8cm – small enough and in the fundus so they are not causing issues. But they can grow very fast and new ones can join, so the sooner I am done having kids the better.
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Beautiful post.
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I hate to say this, but this can actually get worse after you have the baby. About the time my first child was a year old, people started asking and hinting about it being time to try for another one. Many of these people didn’t know we had struggled with infertility, granted. But the questions and hinting continued for a long time. Because, of course, it took us a long time to conceive our second child, too. Even now that we have two, sometimes people ask if we’ll have a third. It’s finally an easier question to answer: no, we’ve spent the past 8 years trying to build our family of four and we are done. Sometimes I would just answer with a simple “I don’t know” and leave it at that.
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I always feel funny answering this question.
Of course I want more but I don’t know the future. I’m beyond thrilled to have our son. He’s our little miracle and I’m enjoying him being here. So I don’t know fully how to respond either.
Yes I want more and I believe God will grant us more but I also know it might require more procedures. And the next time around my insurance will be different and not likely to cover the procedure.
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It’s the loaded question that only people who have struggled or done treatment understand. Yes of course we do! But it’s not that easy for us… I have hope that it will all work out as it’s meant to. Somehow, some way.
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Yeah. Exactly.
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It’s definitely a loaded question and one that I found so annoying. I would tell people that I’d love to have another, but I didn’t expect it to happen because it too so long to get pregnant with Paxlet. However, it did miraculously happen for us when Paxlet was almost 2. And then everyone told me they knew it would happen… that my body would reset itself, blah blah.
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We hope for a miracle baby but those comments would drive me crazy!
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My MIL (who knows our struggle) made reference to our “next baby”.
Honestly, I completely agree with you, L, and we are just focusing on this pregnancy, these babies, and letting what happens, happen. You’re 100% right when you say that the fertility struggle makes you slow down and not rush on to the next step!
Also – I hope the hypnobirthing classes are going well!
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It’s definitely annoying when you feel pressure from other people, or even just their comments, about what’s coming next. What about what is here now? I felt like I had been married for, like, seconds before people started asking me when we were going to have kids. My mind is already going there, and I have enough of a challenge trying to ground myself in where I am now and these types of questions from other people are so not helpful. It doesn’t mean you’re not thinking about the future, but good for you for also appreciating what you have right now.
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This is such a beautiful post – and the same approach we are trying to take. Some days I do wonder, but I also know that for now, we just have to focus on baby one. And we’ll think about maybe baby two someday in the future. 🙂
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I think about this question daily. I know we may struggle to have another one. My husband and I decided we would take things one step at a time right now. We are in no rush to plan for #2. We decided it we don’t have the desire for another by the time our daughter is 3 then we will just have one child as we both agree we don’t want children spaced far apart in age.
When I have thought of having one more, my ideal plan is to have a FET in the summer of 2016 and have a spring 2017 baby. Then the kids would be 2.5 years apart (2 years in school).
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People are always going to ask this. It’s just normal. I just laugh and tell them it took 7 years and 15 grand for this one so I highly doubt it but if God wants to grant me a free baby I’ll take it 🙂
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I totally agree with you. Hugs!
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Well said.
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I am with you on this one! Let’s just focus on what we have right now and cherish every moment!
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I SO HEAR THIS. Everyone keeps asking me if we will get back on the pill after the baby is born, since we will “probably need help” again anyway, so why not just see what happens? UGH. Can I not just be pregnant with this baby first?
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I can’t agree with this more:
“Infertility and pregnancy loss teaches you to slow down; to cherish the small milestones.”
Blessings to you as you cherish yours.
With heart,
Dani
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So perfectly written!!!
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