My Rainbow does not replace my Angel

On days like today I wonder why the fight is so hard? Why do we continuously have to stand up for ourselves, demand honour for our feelings, and recognition for our lost children?

My Mom told me to “get over it” again today.

IT…

as if my child doesn’t deserve a name.

She thought this new pregnancy and this new baby should be enough.

The child I lost wasn’t good enough?

She suggested I would experience serious psychological issues by hanging onto this. She said that grieving during this pregnancy wouldn’t be good for the baby that’s in my womb right now.

But the question is: what does she really know about pregnancy after loss, experiencing a miscarriage and dealing with years of infertility?

The answer: NOTHING.

I know I need to accept that she is not willing to understand, but it makes me angry that my voice, my concern, my fears, my worries and my struggle are so easily dismissed as not important.

Her reaction is why it’s important.

My baby lived even if it was for a short time. She will always be my 1st child, the older sister to her rainbow sibling on the way.

Nothing will ever change that. History can’t be rewritten.

Yes Mom, it’s in the past, but it defines who I am.

So the next time someone asks me how I’m doing or how many children I have, I won’t cover up my feelings or my story just for the sake of their comfort. My truth is the truth.

Besides, how comfortable do they think it was to live through this?

I believe that life is sacred.

I believe that my children – living or dead – deserve to be honoured in whichever way feels best to my husband and I.

I believe that we will find peace whenever we are ready, but there will always be a piece of us missing.

A child can not be replaced.

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19 thoughts on “My Rainbow does not replace my Angel

  1. I am so, so very sorry to hear about your mother’s reaction. 😦 She really doesn’t get it. 😦 I wholeheartedly agree with what you’ve said. Thinking of you, your angel, and your rainbow. ❤

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  2. I can’t believe your mother said that to you. I really can’t. I don’t understand people who feel the need to judge other people’s grief. It’s just wrong. There is no wrong way to grieve. I don’t think I will ever get over losing our twin, and I would probably smack anyone who ever suggests that I should.

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    • I’d smack her if I could but she lives too far away! Haha I often think that’s made it easier for her to ignore or forget what we’ve gone through as she hasn’t been here to see it with her own eyes… But then I feel like I’m justifying her behaviour.

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  3. I hear you. The LP suggested we give this child our first baby’s name as this little one’s middle name as neither of us have ever stopped thinking or caring about baby #1. I was so touched by his suggestion and very grateful he made it. At first I worried whether it could bring misfortune but swiftly tossed that worry and embraced the beauty of life coming full circle and is a loving way to remember our first little one.

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      • Very true. I have been terribly guilty of this in the past. It’s only in the months leading up to this cycle and during this pregnancy that I’ve become more aware and found deeper compassion for my partner. I’m not proud it took me so long but I’m grateful I finally recognized his feelings behind the quiet and what I sometimes mistook for ambivalence.

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  4. P.S. My mother’s second child was stillborn at term. She talked about that when we were children and I have always deeply respected her for that even though I didn’t really know what to say as a child about something so clearly painful (she also told us about her first son, who drowned at age 8). It made my mom seem both fierce and broken, which was hard to reconcile when I was young. I tell you all of this to validate your experience and offer an alternative to your mom’s approach. I’m very sorry she’s been thoughtless and insensitive. I expect that comes in part from not wanting to see you suffer but sadly overlooks the suffering it creates by rendering you invisible to her.

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    • I think that is such a beautiful gift that your mother shared both her love and sorrow with you. Yes, my frustration with my Mother stems from the fact that I am never heard. As I’ve learned so many times before, there is no sense trying to make them get it.

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      • I really am sorry about your Mom. I don’t think my Mom could really see very sensitive aspects of me until I was almost 30 and she died a few years later which really sucked. I think your approach of accepting who she is and not expecting better is self preservationist and sensible but it is sad. Hugs to you.

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  5. Oh my gosh hun I am so sorry! I agree with you 100%. Jackson will always be my first and no matter how many more kids we are blessed with not a single one will replace him. Sending lots of hugs!

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  6. That is so frustrating and sad that your mom reacted that way. My Mom’s sister died at only three days old, and my grandma was just expected to go on with her life and not grieve the loss of her child. In some ways we’ve come so far from that, but I still do feel like so many people don’t understand, or don’t see the need to acknowledge loss.

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  7. I’m so sorry that she feels that way, and that she thinks your feelings are not important. I know you just can’t make everyone understand, but you would hope that your mom wouldn’t be one of those people. Of course your baby counted and is important. *hugs*

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  8. I’m sorry, people who don’t understand this really can be very unsensitive (even if not intentionally). My in-laws also suggested to DH that now that this pregnancy is going well I should no longer be bothered by baby showers and pining over the past. They just don’t get it. These scars will never go away.

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