I had a mini meltdown last night. I tend to have a few bad days each week (i.e. more puking) and yesterday was one of them. I also am feeling drained due to the major project I’m working on at my job. Plus, it’s Mother’s Day this weekend.
I’m having a hard time with Mother’s Day. This is my first official Mother’s Day as a mother to one Angel in Heaven and another baby in my womb. As much as I should be grateful, I’m still conquering grief and fear.
Plus, I don’t feel like my Mother and Mother-in-law have really been there for us this past year.
My Mother-in-law has barely spoken to me since we told her we were pregnant (which was immediately after we did our 1st beta). I thought opening up to her would perhaps mend some of the broken bridges and build our relationship before baby comes. She seriously has called me less than a handful of times and I’m now 17 weeks pregnant. I will admit I don’t reach out to her much either, but I can’t be myself around her and my Father-in-law. I want to talk about my fears with this pregnancy, how I’m still dealing with our loss and everything else that bothers me, but emotions – especially my emotions – are not welcome around them. I’ve repeatedly brought it up with my husband. I keep telling him I will not let her come knocking on my door once the baby arrives if she has put zero effort in before then. He seems ok with that, but I don’t see how he can be? In some ways, he does a much better job at protecting his heart than I do.
As for my Mom, I asked her to come see me (as she lives 2 provinces away) after we lost the baby and she had every excuse in the book as to why she couldn’t come. I had a decent visit with her when I went to my sister’s for the weekend, but once again, I had to make the effort. I also can’t really discuss all of my fears and feelings with her as I feel like she just dismisses them. She’s made a commitment to go to my sister’s this Fall to babysit my nephew, but this happens to be directly during the time our baby is due to arrive. She keeps saying her babysitting won’t interfere with her plans to visit shortly after our baby’s birth, but I don’t believe her.
I wasn’t sure what to get either one of my Moms for Mother’s day. I settled on a Grandma’s memory book for them to fill out with stories about their life and give back to us one day for our children to have. I fondly recall sitting down with my Grandmas and hearing all about their childhood and life in general. I know that my children won’t get the same experience as I did – since my Mom lives so far away and my husband’s Mom chooses to distance herself.
I have a brokenness inside me that longs for a sense of family.
It makes it even harder at this time of the year when my husband is focused on farming. Our own family unit never seems as strong as it should be when he’s around his family 24/7. We’ve had a few discussions this week about how he needs to balance his duties between farming, his full-time job, our household and our personal life. I’m sick of always having to remind him though.
So as it stands, I may be alone this Mother’s day.
I offered to have supper with my in-laws, but my husband thinks he will be in the field and doesn’t want to commit to seeing them. He pushes that relationship away which I see as detrimental even though he thinks he’s doing it to protect me.
I know I need to work on healing as I have hurt, anger and frustration built up towards both sides of the family. Acceptance is key. Every time, I feel like I’ve made progress, something happens and I need to work harder to accept them again. Isn’t that a true healing journey?
So this Mother’s Day, I’ll embrace my aloneness knowing that next year my baby will be in my arms, my husband may no longer be farming, and we can be together as our family… finally.