Facing Mother’s Day

I had a mini meltdown last night. I tend to have a few bad days each week (i.e. more puking) and yesterday was one of them. I also am feeling drained due to the major project I’m working on at my job. Plus, it’s Mother’s Day this weekend.

I’m having a hard time with Mother’s Day. This is my first official Mother’s Day as a mother to one Angel in Heaven and another baby in my womb. As much as I should be grateful, I’m still conquering grief and fear.

Plus,  I don’t feel like my Mother and Mother-in-law have really been there for us this past year.

My Mother-in-law has barely spoken to me since we told her we were pregnant (which was immediately after we did our 1st beta). I thought opening up to her would perhaps mend some of the broken bridges and build our relationship before baby comes. She seriously has called me less than a handful of times and I’m now 17 weeks pregnant. I will admit I don’t reach out to her much either, but I can’t be myself around her and my Father-in-law. I want to talk about my fears with this pregnancy, how I’m still dealing with our loss and everything else that bothers me, but emotions – especially my emotions – are not welcome around them.  I’ve repeatedly brought it up with my husband. I keep telling him I will not let her come knocking on my door once the baby arrives if she has put zero effort in before then. He seems ok with that, but I don’t see how he can be? In some ways, he does a much better job at protecting his heart than I do.

As for my Mom, I asked her to come see me (as she lives 2 provinces away) after we lost the baby and she had every excuse in the book as to why she couldn’t come. I had a decent visit with her when I went to my sister’s for the weekend, but once again, I had to make the effort. I also can’t really discuss all of my fears and feelings with her as I feel like she just dismisses them. She’s made a commitment to go to my sister’s this Fall to babysit my nephew, but this happens to be directly during the time our baby is due to arrive. She keeps saying her babysitting won’t interfere with her plans to visit shortly after our baby’s birth, but I don’t believe her.

I wasn’t sure what to get either one of my Moms for Mother’s day. I settled on a Grandma’s memory book for them to fill out with stories about their life and give back to us one day for our children to have. I fondly recall sitting down with my Grandmas and hearing all about their childhood and life in general. I know that my children won’t get the same experience as I did – since my Mom lives so far away and my husband’s Mom chooses to distance herself.

I have a brokenness inside me that longs for a sense of family.

It makes it even harder at this time of the year when my husband is focused on farming. Our own family unit never seems as strong as it should be when he’s around his family 24/7. We’ve had a few discussions this week about how he needs to balance his duties between farming, his full-time job, our household and our personal life. I’m sick of always having to remind him though.

So as it stands, I may be alone this Mother’s day.

I offered to have supper with my in-laws, but my husband thinks he will be in the field and doesn’t want to commit to seeing them. He pushes that relationship away which I see as detrimental even though he thinks he’s doing it to protect me.

I know I need to work on healing as I have hurt, anger and frustration built up towards both sides of the family. Acceptance is key. Every time, I feel like I’ve made progress, something happens and I need to work harder to accept them again. Isn’t that a true healing journey?

So this Mother’s Day, I’ll embrace my aloneness knowing that next year my baby will be in my arms, my husband may no longer be farming, and we can be together as our family… finally. 

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21 thoughts on “Facing Mother’s Day

  1. Oh how I can relate to the feelings about your in-laws. My MIL in particular has been very dismissive of my concerns and feelings. Maybe I didn’t notice it before we went through fertility treatments or maybe I’m just more sensitive now that I’m pregnant, but I don’t have this problem with other family and friends. She’ll ask how I’m doing every now and then and when I tell her about my struggles, she doesn’t respond. It’s like she’s not equipped to deal with me, like it’s such a chore. I’m sorry I’m not a machine, I have fears, concerns, emotions, and am having a rough time carrying twins. Don’t ask if you don’t care to engage and be there for me. But I’m not going to lie to you and just say ‘I’m fine”. And I wonder why my husband sometimes has trouble expressing his feelings.

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  2. I so hear you on so many of your thoughts about mother’s day and your extended family.
    It also turns-out Mr. MPB will also be spending a bunch of the day working. I encouraged him too for many reasons, but nonetheless I will be spending a good chunk of the day alone. I’m not sure that we would have done anything anyways, but I guess there’s just something a bit sad about spending the day alone with my thoughts.
    Sending you love my friend and wishing you a wonderful mother’s day of remembering your Emme and looking forward to the future with this little one.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m sad that there are so many of us that are ambivalent when it comes to Mother’s Day. I go through the motions too- sending gifts, making phone calls, making visits, but I definitely don’t see any of that reciprocated on my birthday/Christmas. It’s tough. I think I will just do away with my expectations of Mother’s Day and make a new tradition once our little one comes. Reclaim it perhaps. Sending you lots of love this Sunday. I’m sure baby Emm will be close by too.

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  4. Oh bless your heart! I don’t have a good relationship with my MIL either. But it helps she lives in Fl and me in Illinois. But when we do visit? Ay,yi,yi! Half my tongue is bit off from me biting it so hard. So hug to you sugars!!! I hope you have a good Sunday regardless of those around you not putting in effort. Xo

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  5. I relate to the MIL not getting it – same. Though I do have a good relationship with her, she doesn’t handle feelings well either. Shortly after my D&C at the end of January, she gushed to me all about my husband’s cousin’s new baby. All the happy details of their second straightforward delivery and their new baby. I was so stunned at the lack of tact that I didn’t even cut her off, I shut down. Good luck on plugging through a difficult weekend. Hugs.

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  6. Ok, so you see your lack of relationship with your in-laws as “cup half empty” *but* I see it as “cup half full”. On the flip side, she could be meddling, wanting to come to dr. visits, pick out names, put a nursery in her own home and basically steal your kid and raise them the way she wants (snatch your baby while your feeding him, buy things you don’t approve of, etc.) Very few In-laws are actually balanced and respectful, it’s either they act indifferent or they act batsh*t crazy. I would rather have indifferent, personally, but that’s just me. Your husband obviously has his reasons for taking space from his family and all that matters is that he puts YOU and your baby first–you don’t want a man that is ruled by his mommy and daddy. But yeah, if they dont want to cultivate a good telationship with you then they don’t get to play “grandparents of the year” with your kid. Anyhow–Happy Mothers Day to you! XOXO

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    • Thank you! I’ve been putting lots of thought into it lately. I should feel blessed they don’t meddle. Just need to accept that we will never have a ”normal” relationship. Happy Mother’s day to you too! Xoxox

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