For all the Mama’s awaiting their rainbows

I’ve been struggling to find words lately, lost in a temporary spell of writer’s block.

I would share this article with all Mama’s who are currently waiting for the arrival of their rainbows. XO 

This piece Dear Sweet Mama… Your Courage Roars was written by Angela Miller and originally posted on Standing Still Magazine.

Dear Sweet Mama… Your Courage Roars,

Courage, n.

It doesn’t mean you’re not afraid. It means boldly staring fear in the face and declaring,fear will not win.

Not this time.

You’re doing this. No matter what. And I know you know how many panic-attack-inducing-pee-your-pants-break-your-heart scenarios can trade places with what.

But you’re doing this anyway. Again.

Despite your fear, despite your second guessing. Despite your broken heart. Despite that you’re not “healed” from last time and never will be. Despite the flashbacks and panic attacks drenched in sweat that still wake you up in the middle of the night from your empty arms still searching, pleading, begging, aching to be filled with the onlychild who can gild the cracks of your broken heart. Despite that you’re not sure you trust your body anymore. Despite that the God you used to believe in still feels like a cruel stranger. Despite the fact that it could happen all over again. Despite that you have no control over the outcome. Despite that all you can do is hope beyond hope that the stats will stack in your favor by filling your arms with a miraculous crying baby at the end of these long nine months.

You are beautifully, beautifully brave.

How I wish I could tell you– you are guaranteed this. You should be– but you and I both know there are no guarantees. There is only now.

And you’ve got this now. This, I know.

In your broken places is where your true strength lies. Where you’ve cracked open is where you’re ever strong. It’s where the light shines through. It’s why you shine. It’s where your fearless mama courage roars even when it’s only whispering or barely breathing in-between choking sobs. It’s the birthplace of your sacred strength.

You glow pregnant with new life, but also pregnant with love, with bravery, and with the fierce determination of a soul that knows suffering yet refuses to roll over and surrender.

Fear will not win. Not now, not ever.

Even in the whispers of the night, from the trenches of your tear soaked pillow, your courage roars. Even when you feel like you’ll never make it another step forward, your courage roars. Even when the panic of sheer fear is overtaking your body, your courage roars. Even when you can barely speak your truth because terror has clasped your mouth shut again– your courage roars. You roar like a lioness pacing her den, keeping careful watch over her cubs. You roar with the fiercely tender love that is quintessentially mother.

Despite the risks, you’ve chosen love again. Despite the odds, you’ve chosen to breathe life– again. And for some, this isn’t the first time. You’ve chosen it again and again and again. That’s courage. Choosing to let your heart beat to the drum of hope and love even though the clanging of fear often rings louder and truer.

You deserve this.

All of it.

The pregnancy glow, the joy of feeling your baby move within you, the burgeoning hopes and dreams, the new beginnings, the sacredness of carrying new life, the birthing of more love. More hope. More healing.

You deserve this widening of your family circle and the widening of your broken, mending heart. You deserve the blessings that are raining down on you now. Let them soak you through.

This baby was sent to offer you a gift. Take it. It’s meant especially for you.

Swim wholeheartedly in the sacred sea of life. Allow hope to buoy you up like a lifeboat. When the waves of grief threaten to drown you, tread water and keep breathing like it’s your job. Let the anxiety, fear, and sorrow flow right through you. Cry. It’s as healing as healing is. And remember to make room for the beauty of this very moment. And the next. And every one that follows.

The time is now, sweet mama. It’s the only guarantee. The secret is simply to be. Right here, right now– with your baby.

You can do this. You already are.

Alchemize this pregnancy into a never-before-written love story between you and your precious baby. Say yes to what is beautifully healing, say no to what is not. Make room for gorgeous new memories to bloom alongside the old. Fill this time with as much hope as you can muster, infuse it with anything and everything that makes your grieving heart smile and massages your baby with laughter and joy. Joy is not a betrayal, it’s your birthright, and it’s your baby’s too. Once you allow yourself to fully taste it again I promise it will be sweeter than it ever has been.

You deserve the blessings that are raining down on you now. All of them. Let them soak you through.

The time is now is now is now is now.

Courage, n. It doesn’t mean you’re not afraid. It means boldly staring fear straight in the face and roaring, fear will not win. Not now, not ever.

Love will. And love never dies.

   
 photo by Angela Miller
 
Roar on, courageous mama.  Roar on.

The awkward transition into pregnancy

It’s been just over a week since we got our positive Beta results back. I’m currently 5 weeks, 3 days pregnant.

It’s an awkward transition from fertility treatments to pregnant. I found that my husband was acting super excited as I had thought I would react – except I didn’t. I was trying to stay neutral and fight off the lingering fear. As someone who has experienced a pregnancy loss, waiting for that second beta rise was absolute agony. This pregnancy is completely different from our ectopic. From side effects to mindset to blood results, everything is looking much better all around.

I know I will feel more assured after we get that first ultrasound done. I still don’t have a date for it yet. My clinic didn’t get back to me yet, but I do have my initial OB appointment coming up this Wednesday. He can schedule it for me if the clinic doesn’t before then.

Right now, I’m focused on baby steps: OB appointment at 6 weeks… 7 week scan…passing 7 weeks, 1 day (when we lost Emme)… reaching the 12 week mark and entering 2nd trimester. Honestly, I haven’t thought much beyond that yet. I do know that once we enter the 2nd trimester, this Momma is going shopping! 🙂

Gradually over the past few days, I’ve allowed joy and excitement into my heart. I’m still sticking to my one day at a time approach, but I am looking forward to a future filled with lots of happiness and new experiences.

I usually drop the ball on Valentine’s day, but this year I surprised my husband with a card and this ”Coming soon” frame:

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I can’t wait to place our baby’s photo in it. ❤

Happy Valentine’s Day! Hope to get to spend today cuddled up with your loved ones.

Beta #3 and pregnancy symptoms

The Barren Librarian – you must have sent the vibes out for me to get an earlier call today! The results are in:

Beta #3 at 15dp5dt is 709!

That is a doubling time of 35.5 hours since Beta #2 on Monday.

We are officially pregnant!

No more betas! WHOHOO! 🙂

I have my initial OB consult at 6 weeks next Wednesday, Feb 18th. One of the joys of having a previous ectopic pregnancy = you get monitored sooner. Unless the OB does a scan in-office next week, my first ultrasound is being scheduled for 7 weeks.

As for symptoms, I’m currently EXHAUSTED. I am normally a night owl, but I’ve been in bed between 8-9pm each night.

My sore boobs come and go, but my ta-tas are already getting bigger. I feel like a fem-bot with my perky nips.

I’m also constantly hungry! NOM NOM NOM Seriously, I woke up to pee (oh yeah – always peeing) at 3am and I could have sat down for a 4 course meal. I’m making an effort to increase my protein and water intake to curb the hunger.

The bloated feeling comes and goes, but I’m not even close to as big as I was after my fresh retrieval. I can’t complain about that!

I’m 5 weeks today. My nurse calculated our due date is October 15th, 2015.

Our due date is the day before my husband’s birthday! I keep telling him he’s not getting a store bought present this year. I’m growing him the best present ever! ❤

And now… I’m going home to sleep. ZZZZzzzzzzzzzz

Beta #2 Results

And the results are OFFICIALLY in…

Beta #2 at 13dp5dt was 278!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This was way higher than we had guessed with a doubling time of 30.8 hours.

I very relieved right now.

I go again on Wednesday for Beta #3.

I’m pregnant.

WHOHOOO!!!!!

Thank you for all the prayers, love, light, sticky vibes, support, concern, and care. XO

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Also, a huge THANK YOU to Alicia from Ladylove & Babydust for this beautiful necklace. I wore it on Friday and today as my good luck charm. I will wear it again on Wednesday too. ❤

Another distraction while we wait…

Beta #2 has been drawn. Only one poke again! We are on a roll here!

I am currently anxiously patiently awaiting the call from my favourite nurse.

If you are looking for a humourous distraction on this snowy Monday morning, check out Infertility explained by 33 impossibly adorable cats on Buzzfeed.

Baby dust to all! XO

A state of loving non-attachment

My intentions for this weekend were:

  • to distract my mind from Monday’s beta results
  • to be gentle with myself and do what my mind/body needs
  • to feel peace and love

It’s been fairly easy to stay in neutral territory this weekend. We’ve kept ourselves busy and I’ve stayed off the internet as much as possible.

Friday night, my husband called his Aunt and asked if we could come for supper. Whenever we are both anxious or stressed (especially after waiting all day to receive Beta #1), we don’t feel like cooking. Rather than getting take out, we went for a home-cooked meal with people who support us. We didn’t stay out too late as I’ve been exhausted lately. I was in bed by 9pm which is very unlike me. I clearly needed it, so I went with it.

We had a funeral yesterday for my husband’s best friend’s dad. I seriously contemplated not going as I wasn’t sure I wanted to be around sorrow. I decided that I should go to support my husband. It also was a good opportunity to practice love and forgiveness. I made sure to protect myself before I left and brought a few crystals along to help. Throughout the ceremony, I sent reiki to those that seemed to be suffering the most. I honestly didn’t feel much sorrow (thank goodness!) until we went to the grave site. My mother-in-law and father-in-law were both crying. It was a very enlightening moment to see them express such emotion (as my husband comes from a family that rarely shows emotion). Overall, I had a decent day visiting with friends and family. It really made the value of family obvious to me. A man died who left behind the legacy of his family. I hope that one day I have children and grand-children who have such fond memories of me.

Today, I had a chick flick marathon since cable TV is crawling with them leading up to Valentine’s Day. I also played a game on my phone that I downloaded after so many of you suggested it would be a good distraction. Boy were you right! I’m currently building a butterfly colony. Figured it would maybe give me good vibes since the butterfly is a symbol of fertility. 🙂 

I haven’t let myself get excited, but I continue to acknowledge my baby(ies?). I’ve been connecting my heart to my womb and sending my babies love. Over the past few weeks, I’ve realized I can be connected to my babies without being as emotionally attached as I was before we lost our little girl.

This whole process has really given me an opportunity feel how different it is when you take thing as them come.

One of my best friends said to me, “It’s out of your control now“.

She’s undoubtedly right.

What will be will be.

Tomorrow will give us a better idea.

I’m glad I’ve been able to find a sense of calm this weekend as we move through our wait. One day at a time…

Beta #1 Results

I had my cell phone by my side with the ringer on all day – minus one 5 minute stint where I left my office. Well of course, that’s when the clinic called. :/  I waited another hour and a half to hear back.

My 1st Beta at 10dp5dt is 55.

My clinic normally doesn’t do betas until 12dp5dt. I convinced them to let me go 2 days early after I got my thrush (which is almost cleared up by the way). My IVF nurse said she considers this a positive first beta – especially since it’s earlier than they normally test.

During my ectopic pregnancy, I took HCG boosters daily up until my beta. This meant I had an accumulation of HCG in my system before my 1st beta of 47 on 12dp5dt. After that, my 2nd beta only rose to 52. There was a good chance my initial HCG was less than 20 as the HCG booster was doing just that – boosting my beta.

Starting off with a beta of 55 – 2 days earlier than my previous cycle test date – is potentially a good sign. It doesn’t mean I’m in the clear, but I won’t fret so much until we get our next beta on Monday. If it’s over 100,  I will take a deep breath and pray that things continue on the up and up.

My blood lab experience was super positive this morning. I walked in and only had 1 person in the waiting room a head of me. One poke (SHOCKING! I know this NEVER happens!) and I was out the door in 13 minutes. I just knew this had to be the start of a positive day for us.

Keep me and my baby in your prayers. I’m riding on all of your positivity until I feel that I can sustain my own.

I don’t know what I’d do without my cheering squad. XO

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