On that unforgettable night in the hospital, my life changed forever.
Confirmed ectopic rupture.
They put me under and when I awoke hours later, my baby was gone. I was no longer pregnant. I was missing my left fallopian tube.
For quite a while, I was afraid of the night.
It felt like each sleep brought me farther away from what was; what we once had. Each time the sun set, I longed to go back to before. Surely, if I went back there would be something I could have changed.
Did I do something wrong?
Did I not want her enough?
As the darkness crept in, I laid in bed crying as my heart broke over and over again. Night after night, I knew I would have to face my own fears, regrets, sorrow and grief.
I longed for comfort.
I longed for my baby.
I longed to not feel empty.
The night scared me because I didn’t know what the next day would bring.
The lyrics of Night Changes by One Direction contain so much truth:
“Everything that you’ve ever dreamed of
Disappearing when you wake up
But there’s nothing to be afraid of
Even when the night changes”
With this pregnancy, I don’t fear the night.
I’ve accepted that we don’t know what tomorrow brings. So much of life is beyond our control. There was nothing I could have done to prevent loosing our baby girl. Those sorrow-filled nights allowed me to blossom into a more understanding, compassionate and self-aware woman.
This time, the darkness is comfort. It envelopes my body and soul allowing me to obtain the necessary rest I need to grow my baby, our 2nd child, inside my womb.
Each day forward is positive progress as my baby grows bigger and stronger. I find strength in waking up each morning, placing a hand on my growing belly, and knowing that my baby is safe and sound. With each daylight, I am one day closer to bringing my baby home.
The night no longer scares me. It is my sanctuary of hope.
Thank you Justine for reminding me to write my light. XO