The squinter and next steps

Since the Barren Librarian asked for it, here’s a pic of the squinter:

Where do we stand?

No more pee sticks

I have decided no more POAS-ing. I will leave fate up to my betas from here on out.

Tomorrow, I will go for my 1st Beta at 10dp5dt. My 2nd Beta will be Monday at 13dp5dt.

Remain neutral

We are not letting ourselves get excited. I know, I know. That’s the whole torture factor of infertility. Fear overrides joy. However, my high ectopic risk puts on on edge.

My eternal optimist husband and my negative self have decided to meet halfway. Neutral territory is best right now until we know what tomorrow brings.

Remember the lessons we’ve learned

I won’t deny it. This situation is making me flash back to our last beta limbo. There are many lessons we’ve learned since then:

  • Obsessing over it won’t change the outcome
  • What is going to be will be
  • Worrying is not worth the anxiety
  • Don’t let fear overcome you. Much easier said than done. 
  • Recognize your support network. Don’t try to get support from those who aren’t capable of giving it.
  • When times get difficult, come together, not apart. Surround yourself with love.
  • Ask for help when you need it. There is no shame in admitting you need help.
  • Keep yourself occupied

If you can’t tell, I’m afraid. I’m very afraid. It’s like ressurecting all of my PTSD from our last pregnancy loss. I know miracles can happen, but I’m also not willing to build myself up to come crashing down even harder.

That’s it folks. Only time will tell.

55 thoughts on “The squinter and next steps

  1. That’s not a squinter – it’s totally clear!!! So happy for you! And you’re totally right in all you say, what will be will be, sending you lots of love and positive thoughts for your betas xxx


  2. I think you’re being really smart by not torturing yourself with more tests. I have so much faith that this is it for you. Let us be your cheerleaders for a few more days until you have some concrete numbers to give you that boost of confidence that you need! Pregnancy tests are evil–even when they’re positive.


  3. I know how you feel. That’s how I felt with this pregnancy. I compared everything to my miscarriage. I used my miscarriage at 6w3d as a benchmark for everything. Yet, even though I passed that milestone, I couldn’t get myself to be excited. I was too guarded. So I completely understand the flashbacks you are experiencing and how your guard is up. Honestly, my guard is STILL up. So I get it. I will still pray for you and wish your little bean(s) a snuggly home and hope the anxiety and fear play nice this weekend. Congrats on being pregnant… this is the first step and definitely a step in the right direction!!!


  4. Ok. I did not have to squint to see that one. Ha! I am so glad you are getting your beta tomorrow! my fingers are crossed for 50+ !!!!!!


  5. I’m with everyone else – don’t think it’s a squinter! That said, I think your plan is a good one and I’m happy to be in your cheering section until you’re ready to be excited!


  6. As a pragmatic person, I love the practicality of your approach in this post! That said, you are not facing a practical situation. We are talking about pregnancy, which us probably the most emotional thing I’ve ever experienced, so please remember to cut yourself some slack! Your plan I’d wonderful, but you may still worry and speculate more then you want to, and that’s okay. 🙂
    I’m cheering for you, and clearly based on the comments everyone else us to! We are all here to support and love you!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I agree that there is definitely PTSD after a pregnancy loss, and it’s something that is so hard to work through. I’m still struggling with ours. But, remember, you DID get pregnant with your ectopic- just not in the right place. So your body CAN do it. I understand the hesitation and cautious optimism, because you’re scared to be hopeful and let down. But just know that we will have hope for you, and you can join us when you feel ready. Good luck on your beta tomorrow, and on Monday!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Just so you know that is not at all a squinter lady! That looks like mine did at 11/12dpo. Not a squinter at all. I think your going to be pleasantly surprised, but i try not to give you too much false hope. Seeing that actually made me feel even better about your positive from yesterday. Xo


  9. Wait, what?!????! I’ve been really bad at following my blogger friends lately since I’ve stopped blogging, and last I heard this cycle was a bust. This is INCREDIBLE….that’s more than a squinter honey. YOU GOT THIS!!!!!! HANG ON BABY(IES)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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