Our heals are healing, not healed

I have accepted and embraced what we endured after losing our baby. I have dug deep into my soul these past 3 months to uncover many insecurities, triggers, and beliefs that have been more detrimental than good for me. I have practised immense amounts of self-care. I’ve gotten clear on what matters and where I want to be headed. I’ve released what no longer serves me with the intention of moving forward as the “new” me. It’s been a transformational period brought on by grief and despair.

It’s so true what they say: your life becomes divided by the loss of a child. There’s before the loss and after the loss.

Immediately following the loss, life seems unbearable. You feel alone and broken beyond repair. As you face each day thereafter, it slowly gets easier. The pieces of your broken heart – even if they are ever so tiny – begin to meld back together. You pick yourself up. You learn to cope. You take a step forward, but you never forget what happened and how it’s affected you.

Even though we are just about to do another embryo transfer, I still think about our Emme. I think about what it would be like if I was 22 weeks pregnant, preparing for the arrival of our baby girl in 4 months. I think about how my life would be different, how I would feel and where I would be at.

Lately, I’ve been struggling with people telling me,  “Just let it go and move on“. (Ahem…Mom!)

Yesterday, Yahoo Parenting featured the article, I will always mourn that baby, written by Jaime Primak Sullivan.

Jaime writes, “I wanted to scream at her that the loss of one child is not redeemed by others at home — that the way a mother’s heart works is like having individual hearts for each child, and when one is broken, it cannot be made whole by another. It must heal on its own.

This is exactly how I feel right now. I want to acknowledge my child. I want to express the emotions associated with losing our child freely without a sense of judgement. Our hearts are healing, not healed.

Another cycle, another transfer, another baby (or twins!) does not mean that we have overcome our pregnancy loss. We continue living after the loss, but we will never ignore or pretend it didn’t happen. Our little girl deserves more honour than that.

In time, I hope to transition from healing to healed, but I’m not even sure if that actually happens. The triggers might not affect me as much, but there always be a piece of me that is missing from when our little girl was taken from us.

Even though she’s not with us, Emme will always be a part of our lives. She’s our first child. She’s irreplaceable.

hands-with-heart-and-bandaid

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14 thoughts on “Our heals are healing, not healed

  1. Thank you for sharing that article. It is perfect. Our angel babies will always be with us and nobody can take that away. There is no “getting over it,” just learning how to continue living. I actually had a conversation with my grief counselor recently about how I want my future children to know about his/her angel siblings and we discussed different ways for this to happen. I know it is far off, but I want to always incorporate them into my life. Sending you lots of love!

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  2. Might i ask, how many EP’s have you had? I have been following you for a couple of weeks and love reading your daily blogs. you ade truely an inspiration. i got the “ok” to start TCC again, last week after my HSG test. My tube was plugged but the OB was able to unplug it. The most horrific experience of my life. So painful!!! its such a rollarocaster of emotions

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  3. I really enjoyed this post – thank you. I feel a very strong connection to you hope that “In time, I hope to transition from healing to healed, but I’m not even sure if that actually happens.” With time, I am confident that we will move closer to healed.

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  4. Thank you for posting this article, I love the line about an individual heart for each child. I have 7 healthy living children and just recently lost my 8th child. We were 19 weeks along and I delivered him naturally so he was considered a still birth since I gave birth to him, but technically a miscarriage because I was less than 20weeks. He was the first one we lost. I am very grateful for and love my 7 living children, but that does not heal the pain I feel for my little Max, and if/when we have more, they will not replace him either.
    As for having your other children know your angel babies, I suggest a memory box/shadow box of things about or representing your angel baby. We have one up on our ‘baby’ wall. We are also planning on getting a special candle that we will light on his ‘birth’ day in remembrance of him.

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  5. Pingback: Versatile Blogger Award | While We Wait

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