Hope is my fuel to keep going

I’m kinda, maybe a little bit, alright… I’m fully Netflix obsessed.

Right now, I’m watching Call the Midwife: Season 3. If you are a fan and have not yet watched this season, it’s an emotional one!

In the episode I watched tonight,  one woman said to another while she was grieving the loss of a loved one,

“You keep on living until you are alive again.” 

Having experienced a pregnancy loss only 3 short months ago, this statement rings true to me.

I felt lost, alone and without purpose immediately following our ectopic pregnancy. I was an emotional wreck for an entire month.

Tonight, I realized it was my husband’s hope that drew me out of my darkness and back into the light. In the days following our loss, he was focused on the next cycle. Yes, I see this may have been an avoidance tactic. But honestly, his hope for something good to come gave me hope and drive to keep on living until I felt alive again.

So, here we both are. Our marriage is stronger and more intimate. We have overcome fears, found our greatest strengths, and now we are ready to take the next step into parenthood.

Does this mean we weren’t ready before? No, it just means we have found a different sense of readiness. We have become different versions of ourselves through our grief and sorrow.

Even with our loss, I am grateful for the blessings that have come from it. I have no regrets over the past 6 months. Each step we took on this journey led us to where we are today. I can’t dwell on the what ifs and the if only’s. I have to release what is behind us and embrace what is to come.

My embryos – soon to be baby(ies?) – are my purpose. I am alive and well because they – and their Dad – give me hope.

I can’t predict the future, but I sure can hope and dream of better days to come. ❤