When is enough enough?

The past few days, I’ve been struggling with lots of family drama – on both sides.

You know I have no relationship with my sister right now. Her latest and greatest antics would be that she told my parents I said I wanted her baby to die. It’s shocking that someone could even fabricate such a lie. Anyone who knows me knows I would never, ever wish that upon anyone – especially after enduring it myself. Even before then, I would have never dreamed of it. I have journeyed alongside many other women who have shared their grief and heartache from pregnancy loss. I have compassion and sensitivity. I have respect for human life. I would NEVER say such a thing.

But, here I am feeling like I have to defend myself.

My honest opinion is that my sister wished it upon me. And when it actually happened, she felt so guilty for her thoughts that she made this up to make herself feel better (remember we are dealing with a narcissist here). Or maybe that’s just it: she needed the attention back on her after our loss?

Either way, I’m beyond hurt that my parents believed her.

I told my Mom this is the one time she should have taken sides. She should have defended me and known my character well enough to know that my sister was lying.

Except that’s the way it’s always been… my sister lies. My parents believe her. I become the scapegoat.

I have chosen the path of silence. I will not reach out to my sister.

But what do I do about my parents? After we got off the phone, I sent my Mom a text last night reiterating how hurt I was. I sent her the link for the letter I wrote to my sister. She hasn’t replied.

My husband spoke with his counsellor today about our family troubles. He kindly reminded him that WE are all we need to focus on right now.

Why do we keep having to remind our family HOW to support us? Do we just need to give up and realize they never can and never will be the people we thought they could be for us? How much pain can we endure before we officially cut all ties?

I’m getting to the point where I’m about to go silent on both sides of the family until frick, probably Easter. If all goes well, we would be entering our 2nd trimester then. I could do with a stress-free 1st trimester, but do I really want my Mom to not get to experience that with me?

The lack of support from our families has been one of the hardest part of this journey. I know I have a lesson to learn. Maybe it’s being my own support system or perhaps learning to lean on my husband more? Either way, I’m ready for it to unveil itself.

I’m setting the intention for 2015 to be free of family drama.

Please Universe. Answer my call.

“Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.” ~Unknown

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44 thoughts on “When is enough enough?

  1. I cannot believe your sister, or anyone for that matter, would say such a thing. I can understand how you would be hurt by this and how much additional hurt you would feel when you found out your parents believed her.
    I have no answer and I have no words of wisdom. But I can share with you, that we still have not told my husband’s parents about ANY of our journey in the last two years because we know they will not be supportive and rather will likely say hurtful and cruel things that will forever be etched in our minds. And since my parents broke our trust, we have told them no details. We made a clear decision to only tell and include people who will believe will be supportive of us, because we knew we couldn’t handle being hurt more. I’m not saying our choices are necessarily right, but we’ve done it to survive all of this. And at the end of the day, the most important thing to us, is that we survive this together.
    Sending you love and wishing you an easier road ahead.

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    • I contemplated writing a post about my in-laws tonight, but I’m still sitting on it until we find some resolution. That is a exact case with them. We know we need to limit the details as they just can’t respect our privacy. Unfortunately, the same is becoming true of my own family. Survival is what it is all about. I can’t survive in their chaos, so I need to remove myself from it.

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  2. I wish I couldn’t relate to your family troubles but I can Sounds like, even though it sucks, you know what you have to do. If your mom misses out on your first trimester, that is HER decision, not yours! She made that choice by not defending you in any way. By believing you would ever say such a thing! Your family is enabling your sister. My family is identical in that way. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this sort of drama, especially during such a trying time in your life. Your husband’s counselor is right, all you need to focus on right now is you two! The rest is out of your control and therefore not worth your worries!! xoxoxo

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  3. It’s unbelievable what your sister has said, I am so so sorry. You have a great head on your shoulders and ultimately you have to put you and your hubby first. It’s enough to endure all that you are going through to then have family drama on top. Keep your head up and keep yourself moving forward. Sending you strength. xoxo

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  4. I could have wrote this post. Narcissistic sister….parents who can only see the good in her (when really her good is just excellent manipulation she’s mastered over the years – feeding people exactly what she thinks they want to see). It’s so frustrating that they can’t see what’s in front of them!! My sister told me she was relieved after I had my miscarriage as my pregnancy was one less thing to worry about (my nana had cancer at the time). My parents only recently found out I was in hospital for 4 days following my mc…and that’s because at the time no one rang me after that initial phonecall to see how I was. Thankfully my in-laws are always there for us. Family’s are strange and stressful. I didn’t include them in the IVF or currently as I’m in the first trimester and it’s the best decision I’ve ever made.

    Look after yourself, put yourself first for your own family that you are creating,

    Thinking about you xxx

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  5. What your sister did is appalling and disgusting. I’m so sorry you have to even defend that kind of outlandish comment. Infertility and pregnancy loss take such a mental and emotional toll that there is often no room for anything else…especially not unnecessary drama. From personal experience after my first loss, I cut a lot of people from my life who didn’t support me or who added to the drama in my life and I can say it was liberating and freeing to distance myself from toxic people. I’m sure it’s hard to cut your family out but your life is so full of stress as it is with the treatment and grief that anyone who adds to that stress might not belong there at this time. I hope your sister wakes the eff up one day and realizes she’s a big bully…although from what you’ve written about her, she lacks any kind of self awareness. I’m just so sorry you have to go through this.

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  6. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all this drama on top of everything else you’ve been going through. (Also sorry to all the other people who have posted saying they have siblings that are so similar…ugh!!) Family should be there to support you, not to knock you down. I don’t blame you for not wanting to share anything with your family any longer, and that is their own doing. Hopefully eventually they will come around to their senses and things will calm down….and if not, you definitely need to continue to put yourselves first. Thinking of you *hugs*

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  7. Sweetheart, YOU and YOUR husband are ALL you need to focus on (plus the doggies cause they are SO cute) for 2015. It has been a long year for you both and I am praying so hard that 2015 brings you some peace and that your mom and sister and anyone else who is being a complete douche to you gets a little bit of Karma their way! (sorry I hate haters!!!)

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  8. I am so frustrated and sad and angry for you. You do have the internal peace that you truly did nothing wrong or hurtful or evil, while your sister must be suffering on a deep level to do something so cruel. It sounds like you need to put a little bit of a wall around you and your husband as you get through this. Oh- and leave a little opening for all of us to get in and support you along the way 🙂

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  9. I truly understand. I haven’t spoken to my father since March (ironically the month I’m due). I told him he’d have to apologize and he not only hasn’t done this, but he is talking trash about me–that I was a horrible daughter to my Mother–to rationalize his unforgivable behavior and the fact that he’s chosen his girlfriend over his kids. I’ve been in therapy and thinking I would have a relationship with him again…until I realized it’s not my fault. And he is never going to change. And recently I wrote him to say “I’m working on accepting the way things are between us, because I am no longer willing or able to try to have a relationship with you”. So painful. But it’s time for me to move on and let go of the hope that he will treat me better. He won’t. *hugs* XOXO

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  10. I’m so sorry you are going through this with so little support from your family. I’m blessed to have support from most of both sides of our families, but I also have a sister-in-law who has yet to acknowledge any of my miscarriages (dating back to 2011). I’ve only seen her once in the past 3 years and will see her over Christmas. It almost makes me sick to think about. It sounds like your sister runs her mouth, where my sister-in-law has yet to open hers. Both are hurtful and cruel. I wish you all the best and encourage you to do what you have to for you and your hubby!

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  11. Man. I don’t have a lot of advice, I know how hard it is to cut ties with family who are toxic. Your sister is the worst though, and the fact anyone would believe those lies is just heartbreaking. I know it’s easier said than done, but they do not sound like any sort of support system. I agree with other commenters, I truly believe karma will get your sister eventually, I just hope it’s sooner rather than later.

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  12. I am so sorry! It’s hard enough to deal with people who think they should be the center of the universe, but to have to deal with it during IF and after a miscarriage just makes it that much worse. I am so sorry your parents aren’t backing you on this. I think I speak for all of us IF Sisters when I say, we are here for you…whatever you may need! Sending big hugs and lots of love your way!!!

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  13. Ugh. So sorry you have to deal with that, especially at a time when you need support the most. The counsellor is right; you need to focus on healing yourselves and each other. Wishing you peace and light as you deal with this drama…

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  14. I’m so sorry.. I could not imagine being accused of such a hurtful lie. Honestly, the accusations are so hurtful having lost babies myself. Just like you, I know this pain and I would NEVER wish this upon anyone, not even my worst enemy. It hurts so deep most days, but obviously your family doesn’t get it at all. I don’t even think they are trying to understand.

    I’ve cut my sister, one of my SIL’s and my mom out of the TTC loop. My mom got the point when I told her about the 4th miscarriage after the fact and flipped out on her, but I still haven’t told my sister or my brother’s wife about it. I just can’t and it’s really helped with my stress level. I said if my sister asks, I’ll tell her but she hasn’t asked.

    Personally, it seems like your family right now is completely toxic for you. I would be so incredibly hurt by my mom not taking my side too. I can’t even imagine honestly. I know you and I know you well enough to know that you do not entertain those malicious thoughts.

    My heart goes out to you. Not only are you suffering because of your loss, but you are also facing hurtful betrayal. I’m sorry. Sending love and strength.

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  15. I’m so sorry you have to go through all this especially after what happened. I’m not sure why your sister does these things, but it doesn’t matter… you just have to find a way to not let her reach you. Don’t let lies get in between your relationship with your parents. They are in a difficult situation too and they cant choose between their kids, no parent can. If every time she tells a lie you fall for the trap of defending yourself and therefore, engaging in the drama, not only will she never stop but your other relationships will be affected as well. If I were you I would first inform your parents (and whoever else needs to know) that you are making this decision and then just ignore her and all her attempts to disturb you, strengthen relationships with everyone else, and never ever address her BS with anyone else again. Don’t feed into it. Don’t defend yourself. Trust that your family knows you and that your strong relationships wont be affected by a desperate person telling unfounded lies. Good luck L! You deserve better than this! 🙂

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  16. Wow. I gasped when you were describing what your sister said – and then again when your parents believed it! 😦 I feel so sad and angry for you. I hope that you and your husband can find a way to have less family stress in your lives right now. I wish I had answers, but I don’t. I just know that there are a lot of other people that love you and support you, including me!

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  17. I am completely stunned by your sister’s behavior. Who would ever say such a thing?! I completely understand how upset you must have been to not only find out your sister made up this horrible lie, but that your parents believed her. That’s just awful. I think going silent with family for a while might be a good idea. You need people surrounding you who are supportive and have your back. I’m praying for only good things for you in 2015 and no drama!

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