A letter to my sister

Dear Jennifer,

My baby died. It’s been almost 39 days exactly since we lost her.

Didn’t you get the memo?  Oh you did, but you don’t know what to say? Or you are afraid I will blame you for still carrying your son in your womb while my daughter is gone?

Well, that’s not how I feel.

I don’t blame anyone for our situation – not myself, not my husband, not the doctors, not even God.

But, I am extremely hurt by your insensitivity.

I LOST MY BABY. I LOST MY LEFT FALLOPIAN TUBE.

And I also lost my sister.

Don’t you remember how hard it was when Aunt Carol died? Don’t you remember laying together on the couch in the basement and crying? This is so much harder for me than that.

Imagine waking up tomorrow without your baby. Imagine he was taken from you in the night. Imagine you are never getting him back, never getting to see what his face would have looked like, never getting to be a Mom in the eyes of everyone else.

I just want to lie back on that couch in the basement and be held by everyone I love around me. Because right now, I feel so broken. I don’t know how to ever go back to the person I was before, but I realize that I probably never will.

You know I always put on a tough front, but inside, my sensitivity is overwhelming. I base my good days on the number of times I cry. I aim for less than 3x a day. My episodes usually happen in the bathroom at work or on the drive home, or especially late at night. That’s when I feel the most alone.

It’s hard not understanding how the world around you can move forward when you are still grieving, still wondering why this happened to you, to your husband and to your baby.

You have always told me I am the strong one, but I am frightened beyond belief of what else I may have to face in the future. I feel like a fraud. My strength is dwindling.

The past few weeks, I have been thinking a lot about your upcoming delivery. I see cute birthing gowns on Etsy and I want to send you one. I see post-partum care packages and think, “Oh that would be great for her!“.

But, then I realize you don’t deserve it.

I didn’t have a choice when it came to losing my baby or my tube. I had to give them up or I was going to lose my own life.

You made the choice for me about losing our relationship. You chose to abandon me. You chose to pretend that nothing happened. You chose to block me out of your life.

I know I may not have been a perfect older sister, but I always tried my best to be there for you when you asked for help.

This time, I need help. I need love and compassion from the people who mean the most to me, my family, but you have cut yourself out of that category.

Deep down, I keep hoping that we can work things out. I pray that you will come around, reach out to me and admit that you made a mistake. Something as simple as, “I’m sorry. We are thinking of you“, would suffice.

It’s hard enough for me to take care of myself these days. I can’t spend extra energy nourishing a one-sided relationship that you obviously aren’t interested in continuing.

I am truly happy for you as you embark on your journey into motherhood. I just wish things could have been different. I wish that you could have seen how much the simplest of actions would have meant to me.

Love always,

Lindsey

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45 thoughts on “A letter to my sister

  1. 😦 I wish I could say I’m surprised, but this is typical behavior for a narcissistic person (like your sister). Seriously, I just researched “narcissism” and it fits her like a glove, and one very glaring trait of narcissists is a lack of empathy. As seen in her response to the loss of your baby 😦 It’s really her loss, even if she fails to realize it. XOXO

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    • This made me laugh because I know it’s true. One good thing is this experience has opened my mother’s eyes to it too. I decided to write this letter, even if she doesn’t read it because I needed to get this off my chest. Saying it to her face would make no difference.

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  2. I could relate to so much in this post with my own sister. You will never be the same, but one thing I’m thankful for with my own battle is I cut out a lot of people that don’t deserve to be in my life. Your sister honestly does not sound worthy of your energy. MLACS hit the nail on the head. Your sister can’t see past herself to be there for you. It just breaks my heart you can’t have the support you need from her. Sending lots of love!

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    • Yes we are definitely learning who needs to stay and who needs to be cut. Thanks for the love. I feel like her space has been replaced by all of my amazing infertility sister as you all can offer so much more anyway.

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  3. I am so sorry that your relationship with your sister is so incredibly broken right now. I am sorry she hasn’t been there for you. I believe you are right not to put the time into nourishing this relationship right now, as you need to surround yourself with loving and supportive people.

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  4. I’m so sorry, girl. You’ve got real life stuff going on and don’t need to be dealing with this ridiculous and completely unnecessary drama. Everyone deceives to be loved and cared for by their family and I’m sorry you don’t have that. I wish you did. I know that the missing pieces of family involvement can really suck. Sending hugs and love your way, friend. And lots and lots of peace as you navigate this incredibly sorrowful journey.

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  5. I’m sorry you have been dealing with your loss without the support of your sister. The grief of the loss coupled with the sadness of your sister’s selfishness is simply unfair. I hope she realizes one day soon how horribly she screwed up and works damn hard to make amends with you.

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  6. I had hoped that she’d appreciate the wonder of what she’s got and relate that to the sorrow of what you’ve lost.
    It’s horrible to think that she’s treating you like this. Protect yourself and your fragile bubble. Take comf

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  7. Oh honey I am so sorry. I was about to say I cannot even imagine but parenthood has been synonymous with my quasi-divorce from my only living sibling (my mom lost her first two children before I ever got to meet them) so I suppose I can imagine though I always imagined bonds between sisters being more intimate than brother-sister. My heart hurts when I read this. I hope that your other loved ones are there on that couch with you. Warm hugs.

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  8. I agree with you that saying it to her face would make no difference. My sister is similar in many ways. You will make it through this. 3x a day will become the norm, then 2x until you realize one day you haven’t cried yet. Good job for writing this letter and expecting no response. That means you did it for the right reasons. To help yourself heal!!!Sending you a great big virtual hug!! My thoughts and prayers are with you my friend.

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  9. Families. Who’d have them?

    I’m so sorry you have this grief thrown on top of everything else you’ve been through. I’ve got a brother I can’t stand, and I’ve always said that I love him because he’s my brother, but it doesn’t mean I have to like him.

    I hope your sister does get to read this, and I hope she takes it to heart and realizes what she’s throwing away xxx

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  10. I could have written this post too about my sister as well, who isn’t a narcissist. She’s actually a pretty nice person, but she backed the heck off because I was a crying, freaking out, irrational mess. Honestly, you might be there too. It’s a tough situation and there are no right things to say.

    No other person can walk through the mountain of grief for you. You have to do it yourself, and when you come out on the other side, you have to do it alone.

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  11. Oh Lindsey, I am so sorry that you’re having to deal with an unsupportive sister on top of everything else. I wish everyone was just born with a compassion bone. A little compassion goes so far. It’s as simple as a hug, a meal, a note. Why is it so hard for some people, especially when they’re our family? Sending you lots of love and prayers from WI!

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  12. I’m sorry that you’re having to deal with this, on top of everything else. This post has inspired me to write a letter to my own sister, but not quite the same way…She experienced both a miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy between the time that she had my niece, and 5 years later my nephew. At the time I told her I was sorry and to let me know if she needed anything, but left it at that. Now that I’ve gone through my own ordeal, I feel like I cheated her of the love and support that I should have showered on her in her time of grieving and need. I’ve been trying to figure out exactly what I want to say to her and how, and maybe I’ll post it here when I get it all together. Thank you for the inspiration (though I truly am sorry that it came from something so painful)

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    • That sounds like it will be a beautiful experience for you. My good friend lost a baby 5 years ago and I also feel like I have so much more insight now into how I could have comforter her. You truly don’t know until you have gone through it but it will be special for you to acknowledge that.

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      • I hope so. We’ve always been fairly close, but living on opposite ends of the country makes it hard. Neither of us is great at really expressing our feelings…I’m kinda hoping it will open the door to that between us.

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  13. I’m so damn glad you feel that the sisters on here are filling the hole your sister has left. That’s beautiful. But I’m so sorry she’s utterly incapable of helping you heal and instead adds more pain. It would take so very little effort on her part…a sentence…ugh, just ugh. Xoxox

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  14. I am so very sorry your sister has been so unsupported hon. I simply cannot believe how selfish she is. Good for you for writing this letter. Sending you lots of love. Know your IF/PL sisters are always here for you. Huge hug ❤

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  15. Ugh. I go through this with my brother. He isn’t narcissistic, as much as he has developed exactly zero emotional coping skills. Which looks a lot like insensitivity. After I was done being angry about it, it actually makes me really sad. I can’t have a relationship with him because he can’t be there for me when I need him. This is all probably sounding really familiar, huh?

    Lucky for us both, we seem to have amazing support from other people. It doesn’t matter where it comes from, as long as you get it!

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  16. It’s truly heartbreaking that your sister, the one person who is just naturally assumed to be there for you – isn’t…
    My prayers and love are being sent out to you and your husband.

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  17. I imagine even just writing this letter was very therapeutic for you. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this from your sister, it’s all so unfair. I have 2 friends who follow my blog that STILL haven’t reached out to me about my ectopic either, and it’s been NINE WEEKS! WTF?? I know it’s a tough subject, but SAY SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!!! Did you send the letter…or just write it? Just curious. Thinking of you, always. XOXO

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    • I just wrote it. I knew sending it would cause more hassle. Besides, it was therapeutic to just get it all out. Has it really been 9 weeks since you found out about the ectopic? I understand all too much the losing friends thing. I also have a few who haven’t reached out.

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      • TOTALLY HEAR YOU! I’ve written several letters like that in the past (to my dad, husband, sister, etc)…and only mailed a few. Just getting it all out helps so much. It’s crazy how true that really is. RIGHT?? In some ways it feels like it was just yesterday, but in others it feels like so long ago too. I realize it’s a difficult subject, and if you’ve never had a miscarriage you might not know what to say or how to act, but ignoring it all together is just NOT AN OPTION in my mind. I’m perfectly okay letting go of “friends” who aren’t there for me when I need them, because that’s not what a friend does.

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    • I plan to reach out once her son is born, but I won’t before then if she doesn’t make the first move. We are going into our FET a few weeks before her due date. I need to keep the chaos to a minimum. I’m sorry to hear you have face similar struggles.

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