A step forward

Tomorrow I’m officially back to work.

To help with the transition, I’ve set some goals and boundaries for myself with the help of my fertility coach and my grief counsellor.

• Honour my feelings. Allow the negative to come through. Don’t try to sugar coat it with positive affirmations when I am not in a place to believe them yet.
• Respect my needs. Only do what I am feeling up to doing. Understand that this is for my own protection and I do not need to feel guilty (I’m referring primarily to social activities here).
• Speak up and be very specific about how my husband can support me. Accept that I may have to remind him more than once.
• Recognize and write down any fears that are currently surfacing
• Practice 20 minutes of light yoga and meditation a day

Emotionally, I’m definitely seeing progress. My cries have gone from entire or half day episodes to a few sniffles over a 5 minute span. I still carry Kleenex in my purse and think this may become a standard now.

Physically, I had a minor set up. My one incision developed a surface infection. On Saturday, the doctor prescribed some got antibiotics and strict instructions to clean with alcohol, layer on the Polysporin and re-wrap it 2-3x a day. I also have a rash from the bandage adhesive. On the plus side, I lost most of my stitches this weekend (4 weeks post-op). This seems to give me a bit more range of movement, but my infected incision is still store.

I’m also going to my first Perinatal Loss Support group meeting tomorrow evening. My grief counsellor leads it and thinks it might be a good place for me. My husband attended counselling with me today, but hasn’t decided whether he will attend the group meeting with me or not.

Today’s counselling session went well. I thought it would be a good place to get my husband to open up, but I think I just have to accept that we are grieving differently. He did admit to me this weekend that he cried at home alone both nights I spent in the hospital.

Overall, I’m moving forward. I know that my life will never be the same as it was before we got on that plane for our first IVF cycle. But, I am looking forward to finding a sense of normalcy again – even if it’s only temporary.

I also wanted to thank everyone who has sent their love and support over the past 4 weeks. I apologize if I have seemed disconnected as I definitely have not be as engaged in the online community as I was before our loss. I hardly respond to my comments, but I definitely read and appreciate each one of them.