Heartache is worse than physical pain

Yesterday morning, I got my period. I now get to deal with period cramps on top of lap gas, incision pain, loosing my left tube and my baby.

Why does it feel like I keep getting kicked even harder when I’m down? 

The past two days have been emotionally rough. I’ve cried A LOT.

I am upset with my husband. I know he suppresses his emotions and takes longer to process than me, but he hasn’t really acknowledged the baby loss (nor has his family but that’s another topic). His only response is, “Yes, it sucks“. Today he told me that he has to be strong because one of us does.

I just want him to feel with me. I want him to cry with me.

I want to be able to talk about all of the questions on my mind like:

  • Should we name her?
  • Is this baby gone forever or is she coming another time?
  • How can we celebrate her life? How can we remember her?
  • Are we willing to wait longer for our FET if I’m not emotionally ready by January or February?
  • What if that FET doesn’t work?
  • What if I have another ectopic?

I’m scared of what the future may bring. I’m scared of facing another loss, another surgery, another failure.

I don’t trust my body.

But, I do trust that something good has to come from this journey.

I trust that our children are waiting and they will come to us – someday, somehow.

But right now, I don’t want to think about what else we may have to face to get there.

I just want someone to say, “Lindsey, you have a baby. You are a mother even if she is gone.

It feels like everyone around me doesn’t get it.

They think I’m just recovering from surgery when really I’m recovering from a broken heart.

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50 thoughts on “Heartache is worse than physical pain

  1. I am so sorry you are going through this, wish I could take away some of your pain. I know for us, Chad held his shit together because I couldn’t (gender roles, personality, who knows). He was not really able to talk it through with me until much later. I am here if you need anything love. J

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  2. My husband was the same way for the most part. I do believe that men and women process everything differently, so I just remind myself he too is hurting in his own way. The broken heart never fully heals, but with time I suspect you will learn to cope better and move forward with life. Take as much time as you need. If you need anything, anything at all, please feel free to email me. You are constantly in my thoughts and I wish you nothing but the best moving forward.

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  3. Totally get how you’re feeling right now. I’m right there with ya sister! My husband keeps everything inside too, and I just want him to break down sometimes. Maybe they do so privately? I honestly don’t know. I just think it’s so unhealthy to NOT breakdown at some point, right? I’m also scared of having another ectopic, the statistics are so scary. I guess what we have to focus on is the fact that 90% of the time we won’t have another. I’m sorry you’re struggling right now, but know that you’re not alone in how you’re feeling….and I’m here if you want to talk….about anything! XOXO

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  4. It definitely takes time to heal… For my loss, it took me six months to do another round of IVF. You have to listen to your heart and see when you’re ready again. As for your hubby, I agree with others that men and women process things at a different rate. I feel that my husband is often 3 steps behind me. I pray that you’re surrounded with love and care when you cope with the loss. ❤

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  5. I’m sorry, girl. It is so hard. I do think men sometimes process things different than women. I remember being pissed at my husband because he wasn’t reacting the same as me during our miscarriage. But then I finally was like, oh, well, it IS different for him. No baby was growing in his body. He didn’t have to experience any pregnancy symptoms or physical pain. I think for him, even though he wanted the baby more than anything, it just wasn’t as real as it was for me. It is both a blessing and a curse to be the one that gets to carry the baby.

    After my miscarriage, a good friend (who had suffered several miscarriages herself) told me that the right time to start trying again is when the hope outweighs the fear. I thought that was pretty good advice. Try to take it one day at a time. If you look too far ahead the fears will overwhelm you. Your children ARE out there and you WILL meet them. I’ll be sending support from over here. You will get through this, but I’m so sorry you have to even deal with it in the first place.

    And yes, you are without a doubt, a mom.

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  6. Oh honey, I am so sorry. My husband said those same words to me. He will eventually let his emotions out. Do what you feel is right. If you want to name her, go ahead and name her. I am going to do a balloon release to remember my babies on October 16th.

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  7. So many friends that have suffered early losses right through to post term stillbirths have said that the hardest part for them was that others didn’t acknowledge their babies. They sympathised with their pain and were concerned for their welfare but nobody mentioned their angels.
    I’m sorry you have so many questions and concerns just now but I hope that over time you get the answers you need and deserve.
    Allow yourself tears and give yourself permission to do what’s best for you and your girl right now. (Squeeze)

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    • I think that’s a whole other thing. I even had my sister ask me if we actually knew it was a girl! Yes, I did even if there was no proof. Isn’t that where all of the issues lie – in the proof or lack thereof? No one should ever have to prove anything when it comes to grief and loss.

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      • You’re totally right! Love, support and comfort? Yes please. But trying to undermine what’s in your heart and soul isn’t fair. You are her mother so you remember her and hold her close in whichever way you choose. I think giving your wee toot a name is a great way to keep her close. If that’s what you do then ask people who are shallow and judgemental to keep that to themselves.

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  8. I totally understand everything your feeling. My wife has yet to grieve for any of our losses and only ever says “it just sucks”. After loss I think our trust in our bodies becomes much worse, and for good reason, it has failed us again. No one but those who have been in your shoes literally can or will ever understand or have true empathy for you. No one ever wants to talk about it and when they do they tend to say all the wrong things. Having your period after a loss is the worst. It feels so mournful and heavy. I’m so sorry your dealing with this pain but I’m happy you have this resource to help you through the darkness.

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  9. I will say it to you.. You are a mother. You truly are. It will be so difficult that no one will recognize you as a mother, but I promise to do that here. We named each of our angels.. I felt more closure from that. T was the same way for awhile.. honestly, he didn’t start really talking about it until after our 3rd loss. He didn’t know how or what I wanted. He was afraid to make things worse by saying something stupid. I remember finally breaking down and telling him exactly what I needed him to say. I told him I needed it to be something we talk about in our house even if we can’t talk about it in the outside world. It has to be a common conversation in our home. It can’t feel uncomfortable to talk about.

    This is hard. I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this. Sending love and hugs as always.

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  10. You are a mother, my dear. I am so very sorry for all that you are going through. I hope your husband is able to open up and support you a bit more. I wish I had some great words that would make everything be better, but I don’t. I’m thinking of you and sending so much love your way! ❤

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  11. I am so so sorry and my heart aches for you. I definitely agree that guys handle things differently and less emotionally -i think it is their way to protect themselves from so much hurt…but I don’t think it means they don’t suffer. You don’t need to explain yourself or justify any feelings – you are allowed to feel however you want and do anything you want that helps the healing process!! I have gone through 4 IUIs and 2 cancelled ivf cycles and my heart has been broken time after time but I have never had a BFP so i can only imagine the pain of losing the pregnancy after everything…Sending you healing vibes and thoughts ❤️

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  12. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I remember having all the same thoughts and feelings. It is the worst thing to go through and my heart is breaking for you. You DO have a baby, you will always have a baby and it doesn’t matter if anyone acknowledges that fact. The people who can truly relate are the ones who have gone through it as well and we all know that you are a mother, despite the loss. I am thinking of you and praying for you.

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  13. we haven’t experienced a loss, but i know that all these years, my hubby has always felt he had to be the strong one, even when he was hurting very badly. men most definitely grieve differently. you are of course a mother, one who’s had to face one of the toughest challenges anybody does – losing their child. sending you all my hugs and prayers.

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    • From what my husband has told me is that he feels completely helpless. He sees the failures and disappointments, mostly through my eyes and he feels like he has to save me somehow like he always does. But I can’t be saved when it comes to infertility. He can’t wipe my tears away. So I feel that he gets sorrowful, he doesn’t cry but feels it differently. He’s been sleeping a lot more and has been physically sick. There are so many ways to feel grief and I bet he is grieving in his own way. I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby girl.

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  14. My husband can be the same way? Do you remember my post “a letter to my husband” that I wrote several months ago? It’s at the top of my blog under “marriage and infertility.” Men are just so different. I know this is so hard and you are a mother! Sending you hugs and prayers! By the way…I sent ya something on Friday 😉

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  15. You were a mother even before your loss–you already sacrificed so much for your baby even before she was conceived.
    My husband was also nondescript about his thoughts and feelings following our losses. I wasn’t blogging then so I was nearly as lost for words as he was–nobody had ever spoken to me about miscarriage and I didn’t even know I was entitled to feel the grief and loss I felt, so I pushed it away.
    I’m so sorry this has happened to you–that you’ve experienced the loss of your baby. I’m sorry you can’t get your emotional needs met by the people closest to you (sadly, a hallmark trait of life with IF/RPL).
    But I’m so glad you’re talking about it. I’m so glad you’ve given us (bloggers) the opportunity to soothe and embrace you–for what it’s worth, every one of us wishes we could mend the hole in your heart. I wish I could ❤ XOXO

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  16. I totally hear you. It took my DH about 4 months until he let himself feel our loss. I genuinely thought until that point that he didn’t really care. That it wasn’t a baby to him. I thought that he must think my grief was insane. Every other thing you said here I have felt or am feeling. You are a mother. So am I. So are all of us in these situations. I feel like no one can get it or will get it unless they have been through it.

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  17. You absolutely are a mother hon. Thinking about you so much. My heart hurts for all you have been through those past several weeks. Sending you light and love. Hugs ❤️

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  18. You are absolutely a mother and you loved and cared for your baby fiercely during her time with you.
    A friend had told me to be kind to myself and allow my feelings to come however they arrived. I hope her advice helps you as you wade through your own grief. The loss of a baby you’ve dreamed about for so long brings foreign, scary, and hollowing emotions…and endless heartache. Your resolve in knowing something good will come of this is a testament to your strength.

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  19. My partner never really cried the first or many subsequent times. But I know now how much he too has suffered. That doesn’t make it easier in your grieving moments. I just want to offer my perspective. Mike is hurting too.

    I named our first and I am so grateful I did. It is not a common name yet there is a boy in our sons play school with the same name just spelled differently. I know his mom. It jarred and thrilled me the first time I heard her say his name but I am at peace because I know our son is the spirit of our first little one. So I have balanced both of those thoughts and realities (naming, believing baby spirit will return) and if you are so inclined I know you will too. I am sending you love and all the peaceful compassion I can right now, my friend.

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  20. I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. I got my period today, 5 weeks post surgery and it definitely comes with mixed emotions.
    Immediately post surgery I was furious with my husband – like you say, he wasn’t crying or showing any emotion. It took a couple of weeks for him to open up. Men are told to be strong and supportive and often don’t find it easy to say how they feel. Everyone displays emotions and grief differently so please be patient with him. He’s hurting too and in time I’m sure you’ll be able to talk it through.
    You’re not alone in how you feel. We are mummy’s even if our babies didn’t make it. We still love them and miss them and grieving is completely normal.
    It seems like you have a lot of great support on here – just remember that there are people that understand how you feel.
    Wishing you lots of love

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  21. I was very cruel with my husband who I didn’t think was grieving “correctly.” His emotions might come out months later. He might be screaming at everyone at work. Or maybe he’s at peace with it.

    It’s not fair to expect him to have your response. It’s also not fair to think that if his response isn’t as dramatic it doesn’t count.

    Don’t do that to your marriage after all of this.

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  22. I’m so sorry. I couldn’t imagine the pain your going through. Try to hold on, I believe your right, something good has to cone out of this journey. Sending hugs and love.

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  23. My husband didn’t (doesn’t) show much in the way of emotions nor talk about stuff much. It was definitely difficult when we were TTC and going through all of the treatments. I truly think that is how most guys are. *hugs* It’s hard, but the fact that he is there shows his support!

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  24. You are definitely a mother. The way I see this, you were a mother even before this loss. One thing that I have learned from infertility is that it is completely possible to love someone who does not yet physically exist. My husband and I also have very different ways of grieving (I am actually more like your husband and my husband I think it more like you). It makes things hard I know.

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  25. I’m so sorry that you’re now dealing with yet another blow. I think it seems like a lot of guys are like that when it comes to dealing with big things like this…at least from what I hear and read here from others. Just today at work I was talking to one of the Drs I work with, and he told me that his wife has a miscarriage early this year and he said “It sucks, but you get past it and move on.” I thought it was a little cold, but I think that’s just how they look at things. Maybe it’s harder for them because they aren’t carrying the babies inside them, and don’t feel the same connection…I’m not sure! Either way, I hope you can both work your way through all of this and find peace and healing soon.

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  26. Most everyone covered it already but you are absolutely a Mother, Lindsey! I am so sorry you’re having to go through this and I, unfortunately, have no words to make it better. Just know that your infertility Sisters are all sending you lots of love, thoughts and prayers!!!

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  27. I am so incredibly sorry. You become a mother the very moment you conceive. Your heart will always ache for her and I wish I could make it better. Its important to mourne because that proves you loved her and you’ll never forget her. With that, everyone mournes in their own way. I’ve learned that husbands want to fix it, make it better and when they can’t they retreat. It’s hard for them to see us heartbroken. Interesting that you say that you don’t trust your body. I never really thought about it that way but it’s so true. I wish you peace and healing… Even though we don’t know one another I will think of you.

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  28. Oh my goodness Lindsey! I’m SO SORRY!! I just had a chance to catch up on your blog and I had no idea that your tube burst as a result of an etopic. I’m devastated for you. It is heartbreaking to lose a baby. I know exactly what that feels like. And it is sad that most people don’t understand that you are still a mother after what you’ve been through. I believe it’s important to mourn and feel your angel baby. I know it’s a little different for husbands. Deep inside I know they don’t know what we are feeling. I heard a saying and I feel like it has so much truth:

    Women become mothers at conception, men become fathers at the birth of their child.

    I probably botched the saying, but it was something like that. There is a lot of truth to that. Which is why my heart breaks with every miscarriage, every CP, every BFP that is no more. It’s all so sad. Know that i’m praying for you and that all these feelings you are feeling — are okay. Giving you a big hug. Hang in there sister!! xoxo

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  29. Hugs for you Lindsey. I know the emptiness of the dark days and how much it hurts to lose something you want so badly, hang in there till the days pass . The doctors have their way of looking at it, you are a mother to me, and most importantly, you know you are. Men do hurt, they just don’t process or feel it as internally and I think the hurt we process scares them.

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  30. My husband didn’t exactly ‘feel’ our loss either. At first I thought it was a guy thing, they process feelings differently, and maybe that was a part of it. Another part of it for my husband was him being in the medical field. He saw our ‘baby’ as tissue and blood, not the life and future of that baby as I pictured. We all heal in different ways, and you will heal, in time. And until that time, we’re all here whenever you need to talk, vent, get advice, etc. I’m praying for you.

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  31. I’m so so sorry, dear. I’m of the mind that you do whatever you have to do to be at peace with this. Name her, be her mother, celebrate that tiny spark of life.

    Everyone has a different way they process grief- same is true of husbands. (I have a similarly reticent hubs and it has taken me eons to recognize this.) I hope you both find ways to be kind and compassionate to one another, honoring how you each are coping with your loss.

    I’m sending you so much kindness and love now, sweets.

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