Yesterday morning, I got my period. I now get to deal with period cramps on top of lap gas, incision pain, loosing my left tube and my baby.
Why does it feel like I keep getting kicked even harder when I’m down?
The past two days have been emotionally rough. I’ve cried A LOT.
I am upset with my husband. I know he suppresses his emotions and takes longer to process than me, but he hasn’t really acknowledged the baby loss (nor has his family but that’s another topic). His only response is, “Yes, it sucks“. Today he told me that he has to be strong because one of us does.
I just want him to feel with me. I want him to cry with me.
I want to be able to talk about all of the questions on my mind like:
- Should we name her?
- Is this baby gone forever or is she coming another time?
- How can we celebrate her life? How can we remember her?
- Are we willing to wait longer for our FET if I’m not emotionally ready by January or February?
- What if that FET doesn’t work?
- What if I have another ectopic?
I’m scared of what the future may bring. I’m scared of facing another loss, another surgery, another failure.
I don’t trust my body.
But, I do trust that something good has to come from this journey.
I trust that our children are waiting and they will come to us – someday, somehow.
But right now, I don’t want to think about what else we may have to face to get there.
I just want someone to say, “Lindsey, you have a baby. You are a mother even if she is gone.”
It feels like everyone around me doesn’t get it.
They think I’m just recovering from surgery when really I’m recovering from a broken heart.