Beta #5: facing the inevitable

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Today’s beta was 323.

This week we went from 193 to 291 to 323.

Not good. No doubling there. 

My nurse said ideally 1 of 2 scenarios will occur:

  1. My body’s HCG will naturally start to decrease bringing with it a natural miscarriage
  2. My betas will continue to slowly rise indicating an Ectopic pregnancy

She also said I could stop my meds today or stay on them until Monday when I do my next blood draw.

Initially, I was against this concept. Why would I stop by meds if I’m not 100% positive that my baby is gone? My levels haven’t dropped. They are increasing!

I went to Mr. Google looking for that last sliver of hope. I typed in “Misdiagnosed miscarriages”, then “low and slow rising beta successful pregnancy“.

Each scenario had one common denominator: the betas may not have doubled, but they consistently rose and the increase tended to get greater in size between betas – unlike my decrease. 

Lindsey – it’s time to be realistic here. 

I might stop by meds tonight. My ass could use the break. My husband thinks I should stay on them until Monday.

Emotionally, I’m doing alright. I grieved quite a bit last week when we got our initial beta counts. I was positive they were too low to be viable, but somewhere along the line the universe decided to give me hope.

Misguided? Misdirected? Or just plain beautiful?

How is hope ever a bad thing?

Well…

In this case, it prolongs the inevitable.

And it’s time to face it.

My baby is not going to survive.

*cue the water works* 

If you had asked me this morning, I would have told you I would have done anything and everything to prolong this pregnancy until I could go for an ultrasound. I needed that ultimate proof.

But now, I don’t want it to continue any longer than it has to if my baby isn’t going to be healthy and safe in my arms at the end of it. It’s weird to know my baby is inside me now, but that she won’t be for much longer.

What do you do when faced with a miscarriage diagnosis?

I can hardly believe I have to ask that question.

79 thoughts on “Beta #5: facing the inevitable”

  2. I’m so sorry, Lindsey… This experience is close to my heart, I’ve been there before and it’s so devastating. Don’t give up, it will happen for you one way or another. You’re in our thoughts ❤

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  3. My heart just broke for you. I’ve had 5 diagnosis of miscarriage, and each and every single one has been completely different in all ways except for the heartache of the loss and the fear of the unknown next few weeks. I promise you, you will survive this, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. The physical side of it probably wont be fun, and the emotional recovery will take time and lots of time. Just remember to be kind to yourself and your husband, and hols space for you each to react and grieve in different ways. And, please know that you have a so much support from so many of us – if you have any questions about the miscarriage process (natural, misoprostol or D&C – I’ve had experience with all of them), please feel free to email me – I’ll answer anything.
    As for stopping the medications, I suggest you do whatever feels right for you and your husband – there is no right or wrong, just what feels best.
    Sending you all the love in the world.

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      • I’d stay on them, for him. It wont effect you physically (other then waiting a few more days), but it may mean the world to him.
        One thing I’ve learned is that it’s your body, so he (i.e. my husband) doesn’t understand when I say I know something. He doesn’t understand the connection I have, and that I just know. So, for me, at this point, I’d just stay on it for him because I doubt he’ll understand how you just know.

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        • I should add that it’s pretty “easy” for me to say this, because I know with my body that 3 extra days of medications wont make a difference in the scheme of a miscarriage. So, I just know that it wouldn’t make a difference to me, and it might make a big difference to my husband to help him process the entire miscarriage and loss.
          But, whatever you choose, make sure you are okay with it, and you wont be upset with him for anything.
          Sending you love!

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  4. I am so so sorry Lindsey. My short-lived pregnancy was a lot shorter than yours has been. I remember vividly how my doctor told me that I had a choice to stop all meds or continue until later. Whichever way it was going to be, she would be 100% with me. I remember having to make that heart wrenching decision. And I could not stop crying. I am so so sorry that you have to face this question. I decided to stop the meds right away knowing that the pregnancy wouldn’t be viable. But my RE also said that some people choose to continue until later. There is no right or wrong. I just hate it that you have to make a choice. 😦 Sending you strength, thoughts, and love.

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  6. I’m so very sorry Lindsey 😦 To be honest, when faced with miscarriage I do several things, which may or may not resonate with you. I put away all baby stuff, like positive HPT’s and the cutsie stuff I bought for my husband to celebrate. I got things I’d need, like maxi pads and granny panties (and pain medication and a heating pad). I probably didn’t cook for a week–we ate take out or delivery. I watched movies and sobbed into a pillow on the couch while DH slept.
    Of course, I didn’t have the blog at the time and no real support. But you do. So lean on me ❤ XOXO

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    • Started putting away the baby stuff already. Didn’t buy anything to celebrate – luckily. Guess I need some pads? I’m beyond stocked up on liners. Do you have to use a pad with an early miscarriage? I’m usually a diva cup gal. Would that work?

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  10. 😦 I’m so sorry Lindsey. I was so hoping that things would turn to the best. I had to wait for 10 weeks last year before I got to get off progesterone as my number kept rising slowly, but I knew all along that it was a lost cause. Since it’s still early days for you it wouldn’t hurt to wait ’til Monday. Men seem to be the more optimistic ones…at least that was the case for my husband. How can you have an ectopic with IVF? Wasn’t aware of that fact. I hope it’s not an ectopic. Let yourself grieve and take each day as it comes…at least that’s what got me through it. I wish you all the best ❤

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      • I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you that it’s not an ectopic! Sometimes I’m just at a loss for words, especially when I think about how many women who are not suitable for children (i.e. druggies, alcoholics, teenagers) just become pregnant without even trying…grrrr. I’ll be thinking of you!

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  11. I’m so sorry Lindsey. My heart is broken for you. I have been praying constantly that you would have a different outcome today. I echo what MPB said, if you have any questions, don’t hesitate to ask. I don’t have a lot of experience with miscarriages happening this early other then my CP in March, but with one of my losses, I waited it out for weeks with multiple ultrasounds for confirmation and with the others went ahead and had the D&C right away because I needed it to end and move on as quickly as I could. So there is no hard and fast rule here. I think if your gut is telling you to stop the meds then that might be your answer, but I also agree MPB about waiting until Monday for your husband. It sounds like he needs the extra few days and that follow-up beta to know for sure. No matter what you decide, know there is no right or wrong here, only what feels right for the two of you. Sending you strength and love hon. I really wish you didn’t have to make this decision at all.

    P.s., I know that misdiagnosedmiscarriage.com website very well. I stalked it when I had my blighted ovum with loss #3. It really does have a lot of amazing stories on it that make you question what to do, but I found for me, it just led me to prolonging the inevitable for way too long.

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    • Yes, I have definitely been on that site. 😦 I started getting some period-like cramps last night and very, very minimal spotting that is gone now. I keep thinking that the progesterone is just prolonging the inevitable, but I get why it makes sense to stay on it for my husband. This morning, he told me I can make the choice, but I’m just not sure still.

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  12. Oh hun! I am so sorry! I am still believing in a miracle as hard as it is with the facts. There is something about facts and that they can always change so I am holding onto that in faith. As far as the meds, I would stay on them for your hubby’s sake. Praying for ya sugars. I know this is tough.

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  13. You do what feels right. As simple as it sounds that’s the only thing you can do. The ride out the storm and allow yourself to feel whatever comes. I’m so sorry this advice has to come to you. I hate it, I just fucking hate it. I’m sorry. I wish the best of course but I understand the need to start the grieving. XO

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  16. I had hoped to never read this post, and I know you had hoped to never have to write it. I am so sorry for your loss Lindsey. My heart goes out to you and your husband. I think we have to have hope when we’re in situations like this, we just have to. I thought my baby was going to defy the odds at first too, it’s just so hard. I’m praying for you guys, I pray for peace and tranquility…please feel free to reach out if you need anything!!

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  17. Our first mc was heartbreaking bc I had seen those two pink lines, the second was a mmc, and the third was the hardest hearing the ER doc be so excited to tell us we were pregnant when we knew nothing would come of it. Each is different. Each one sucks balls. Physically I took it harder than emotionally only bc my mindset was that it was so early there wasn’t the attachment some of my friends who lost babies later had. I’m a very “it could be worse” person when judging my own obstacles. Sometimes I wonder why I didn’t grieve as some women on the blogs and boards do. I guess my rambling is all junk but it boils down to take care of yourself first and move as quickly or slowly as you need to. Big hugs.

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  19. I couldn’t agree with MPB anymore. I am by your side to and if you need me I will be here. I know how heartbreaking this entire process is. I know you did everything you could possibly do and you will be questioning this.. but you did everything you could do. I do think that even though it’s your body, you have to let your husband have a say too. I would recommend staying on the meds too. I know you know your body, but your husband still has hope. There will be no harm in doing what is best for your husband. As far as using a Diva cup vs. a pad, my RE said no sticking anything up there to avoid an infection.. pads were the only thing I was allowed to wear. Most importantly, above everything else, be kind to yourself and your husband. He will say things and grieve differently than you, be open with him through this entire process. Thinking of you and sending such big, big hugs.

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  20. I had a similar experience with my first round of IVF and first pregnancy. My betas weren’t doubling, and (in retrospect) it was thankfully over naturally, very quickly.

    There’s no real way to prepare. Just know that you’re not alone (a lot of us have been there), and plan on a few days at home (if you can).

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  22. So very sorry for your loss. I cannot even imagine the pain of losing something that is so a part of you. Reading through the comments I am overwhelmed with a. The love and support you have b. The strength of all these ladies. Sending you and your husband a big hug.

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  24. Oh, this is not at all what I hoped I’d read today! I’m so very sorry that this is happening to you. I have no advice but lots of love, hope, and goodness headed right to you. I hope you get the space and time to take care of yourself and grieve. Thinking of you.

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  25. I’m so sorry Lindsey. It breaks my heart to read this. Honestly you have to go with what makes the most sense for you and hubby. Go with your gut. I’m speechless and sad for you. Definitely keeping you in my prayers.

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  26. I’m so sorry you have to go through this difficult journey, Lindsey…sending you lots of love, hugs and prayers that you and your husband will have the strength to overcome this. Do everything you can to pamper yourself and take as much time as you need to grieve and heal. Big hugs!

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  27. Hey Lindsey! I’m new here, but just wanted to stop by and say HI and to tell you that I’ll be thinking of you on Monday. I’ve had two miscarriages. With both of them… I never reached over 140. The fact that you are in the 300’s and you are increasing is still promising. You could just have a slow-and-steady implanting embie. I’m going to keep everything crossed that you get good news on Monday. And if you don’t, know that you have a TON of supporters here to fall back on. You will get through this and you WILL be a parent someday if you want to. Promise! (((Hugs))) Girlie!

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  28. I am so sorry, this sucks. I guess I was lucky? My body took care of my first miscarriage rather quickly and my first IVF was a chemical where the first beta was 8 and the second was 2. The limbo is the worst – just enough to give you hope but seriously screwing with your heart and emotions. I have no words of wisdom but hold you very close to my heart. I know it is early to talk about this, but the failure of my first IVF gave them more information to make the second one more successful. I hope they can do the same for you. I am just so sorry. Love and light my friend.

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  32. Such a hard decision =I”m so sorry. I def. agree with those who suggest staying on the meds- for your husband, and so you know you did every last measure in your power. I’m so sorry you re going through this. I had 2 miscarriages, and they are awful. Just awful. But as someone else said, you WILL get through this. For the record, I’m still praying for a miracle. Big hugs. xoxo

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  33. I am so sorry. My heart is hurting for you. Keep holding on tight to the thought that your little girl IS out there and you WILL meet her. It might seem far away right now, but it will happen!
    Honestly, what helped me the most during my miscarriage was going to a crappy restaurant, ordering every gross appetizer under the sun and drinking lots of fruity alcoholic drinks. I kind of felt ill afterwards, but for some reason it helped just to let go like that. Also, if your friends ask you if you need anything, take them up on their offer and ask them to bring you a meal. You probably won’t feel like cooking for a while. Let them love you up and it will heal your heart just a little bit. I’ll be thinking about you and sending peace and comfort your way. I’ll also be praying that your levels drop on their own so your body can do it’s thing naturally. Xo.

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  35. Oh my friend. For some reason this post never showed up in my reader. I was worrying about you and finding this made me so sad. I don’t know what you have decided but I wish I’d seen this sooner. I am hoping you haven’t given up but I understand and support whatever you do or have done. I’m sending warm and gentle thoughts and much love.

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      • I also wanted to say that I would not stop the meds. I’ve now read or skimmed most of the other comments and am so glad you have so much support and love being sent your way. If you want to talk or I can be of any support or help to you please let me know. I will email you my number. My heart is hurting and so heavy for you.

        I don’t have a sense that your baby is gone. I had a strong feeling you should not give up. I have no medical basis for saying this and I cannot tell if this is my deep desire for this pregnancy to succeed or my own fear of giving up prematurely. I’m sorry I am not more clear. What I can say is that I don’t think you should stop and that if you now or later strongly believe you should then I think that is the right thing to do.

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  36. I have been wondering about you all week but wanted to leave you alone. I’m so sorry things are going this way. I know there are brighter things ahead. Keep your chin up. xo

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  40. My heart aches for you. ❤ As I am terrified of my own results tomorrow, I sit here with tears in my eyes wishing you didn't have to go through one moment of this pain. Please let me know if I can do anything for you – listen, send you a note, send you a funny cat video. You are loved. (((HUGS)))

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  41. Hi Lindsey, I am also new here. I experienced the EXACT same thing about two years ago. After 4 failed IUIs we moved to IVF. We did the retrieval and transfer in the same cycle and it was not successful. I know we are all different, but I truly believed my body was not ready for the transfer so soon. We waited about 6 months before trying it again and instead transferred two frozen embryos and both stayed. I just wanted to say to you, please don’t give up yet. You will be a mama one day. I know we don’t know each other at all, but if you need to vent/ask questions please let me know. My email is car8083@hotmail.com

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  42. I am so, so very sorry. I’ve been thinking about you all weekend, hoping for an updated post with good news…

    I don’t have any great advice for how to deal with a miscarriage. No heartbeat was found at my 7 week ultrasound back in June, and while I was heartbroken, I wanted so badly for that pregnancy to be over so I could try again. I realize not everyone is ready again so soon like I was though.

    I just so wish you weren’t going through this. Sending thoughts and prayers to you. Be gentle with yourself…

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