Breaking the silence

I haven’t spoken to my sister since my birthday on July 23. I referenced why I am not talking to my sister in this post.

Between our egg retrieval and our transfer, I received 1 text message from her. She stated that she was still mad at me. She heard I was feeling nauseous and wanted to suggest I ask my doctor for the anti-nausea medication that she’s taking for her morning sickness.

I didn’t reply because:

  • My nausea was not pregnancy-related. It was due to medication (Doxycyline and Dioxin). In fact, we hadn’t transferred yet so there was NO WAY it could be pregnancy-related.
  • She clearly is still self-absorbed if she started her text with drama-filled words

Tonight, she called me.

Surprisingly, I answered.

She’s been on my mind lately. I thought maybe she was coming around.

She pretended as if nothing had happened. She told me that Dad told her I was going for my blood work this week and she wanted to know if we knew yet. I told her no, but that we were hopeful that things would work out. She asked me how I was feeling and a few other questions before dominating the conversation with tips and tricks from her own pregnancy experience.

At first, I didn’t mind. It was nice to be able to share in this experience with her. She also highly recommended the snoogle body pillow like AndiePants did.

But then, it continued to be ALL about her.

Her energy started to drain me.

The conversation came to an awkard lull and I decided to speak up.

I told her that I was still upset with her and that she couldn’t just pretend like nothing had happened. I had hoped for her support throughout my IVF but she had MIA throughout the entire process on top of telling me she didn’t agree with it before our cycle started.

She told me that her intentions were not to upset me. It was just my perception that upset me and I owed her an apology (HUH?).

I told her especially since she got pregnant with such ease, she should be supportive of whatever way we choose to pursue achieving our own pregnancy. As my sister, she should want the same happiness for me that she has found for herself.

She said she just didn’t agree with the financial cost of the treatment.

I told her how I spend my money is my own fucking business.

She said that she didn’t call to fight with me.

I told her that I appreciated that she called to check in on me, but if she can’t apologize, I can’t continue talking to her.

She told me she was going to hang up.

So, I hung up before she could.

Am I wrong to be so persistent?

She is the only subject that has brought me anxiety during the past 3 weeks. I felt it tonight and I felt it the day we arrived home when I tried to share my frustration about her text message with my Mom.

I’ve asked my parents to NOT share any information about me with her. They clearly can’t follow this request.

I’m not sure what to do. 

Do I back down (like always) and apologize (for what I don’t know?)?

Or do I have a right to cut her out of my life?

I don’t have the strength to play her games. I don’t want to be a part of any game with her.

I think that HAS to be my choice. I need to do what’s right for me, my husband and our baby.

Peace is what we desire and my sister only creates chaos.

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31 thoughts on “Breaking the silence

  1. Can you try for a happy medium? I have been in a similar situation with one of my siblings and it took me a long time but I feel like I am in a good place. I don’t actively seek out time with her or call her but act nice and normal around her at family things and answer her calls and just keep it short and superficial. I don’t have high expectation or try to make her anything but what she is and try to keep my emotions out of it. Surprisingly she has gotten better over the years and our relationship is in a good place and I am glad I didn’t cut her out completely but also glad I protected my emotions and energy. Good luck!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Right now, right in this moment while you are focusing on your own child, it is my opinion that you need to focus on those who support and love you. I’m not saying your cut her out for your life, I am saying right now you need to be surrounded by supportive people who reduce your stress not increase it.
    Either way, whatever you decide, you need to be okay with your decision today and in 5 years. So, follow your heart and it should work out.
    Wishing you the best in this super challenging situation.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks. I feel like I need to maintain some level of communication with her, but maybe I just need to keep it short and sweet all the time? My sister undoubtedly has many narcissistic personality traits. Expecting an apology is almost insane on my behalf. I can’t change her ways.

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      • I definitely think it would be hard to cut our a sibling, so maybe you are right – find the right level of communication that allows you to maintain the relationship yet protect yourself and your little one.
        And I think you are right, you will never be able to change someone else, so there is no point on trying!

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  3. I am so very sorry that you have to deal with all of this. 😦 I hope that you will figure out what’s right for you so you can feel less anxious! I don’t understand why your sister cares how you spend your money and it’s just a really weird situation.

    For various reasons, my biological brother and I are not very close. I love him very much, but I have been hurt too many times by him. While we maintain some amount of contact, I am careful what I say to him. I try to stick to mostly small talk topics. Just recently, he has called me (which is rare) and we talk for about 20 minutes, which is an okay amount of time. I do not really go out of my way to be in contact with him, but I occasionally send him a text message or a note on Facebook. Sticking to simple topics seems to work for now. I wonder if that could work for you and your sister (AFTER she apologizes to you!!!)?

    Sending lots of love your way, as always!

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  4. What is it about sisters? Mine brings out the righteous indignation in me like no one else. Knowing how I’ve been feeling–even several weeks off meds– the only advice I can offer right now is to step back for as long as you need to be able to make this decision with a clear head. There is so much going on right now… You have bigger fish to fry. (And a beta to pass with flying colors!) Hang in there, and no matter how you decide to proceed, I can relate. I drew a line in the sand with my own sister several years ago and we haven’t spoken since. It’s complicated, but I have no regrets. She knows where to find me when she grows up.

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  5. I’m so sorry you have to deal with her! I will be completely honest with you. It is OK to cut people out of your life. I did it 10+ years ago with my mom and to this day I still do not regret my decision even though she has been gone for 8 years (passed away at 41). Sometimes you have to remove toxic relationships from your life. If that’s what you choose don’t feel guilty about it. If your parents can’t respect your wishes about not talking to her about your journey then maybe they need to be told limited information? I don’t like to see anyone having to deal with this. You deserve better. I’m getting to this same point with other family members too and I still have not told anyone in my family to this day about our IF struggles and going through IVF. Do what is best for you! If you ever want to chat more about it you can message me on fb anytime! I hate that your sister makes you feel this way. 😦

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  6. I am so sorry you’re having to go through this…family troubles are not fun at anytime, but dealing with that and infertility is just the worst! I agree with many of the others…limited contact or if you’re okay with the decision, cut out completely. I would cut my SIL from my life in a heartbeat if my husband would be okay with it. Not the same thing as your own family though, this I know. I also agree that your parents may need to be told limited info if they can’t follow your wishes. And I definitively would NOT apologize to her…you have nothing to be sorry about! Sending big hugs and prayers that this all works out in a way that you can have peace with.

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  7. Ugh. I’m sorry, you don’t need this. Kick her out of the same body of water, never mind your boat! Also, I would swear your sister has a Y chromosome when it comes to that defensive “it’s your perception” crap. That’s total stupid man talk.

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  8. I am so sorry you have to deal with this additional trouble during what is already a stressful/anxiety ridden time. I think the first person you need to take care of is YOU, and whether that means not speaking to your sister for awhile or not, you know what will make you comfortable. Over the past seven months since my first loss I’ve cut a lot of people out of my life, some by choice and with others it just happened naturally. Overall though you need to focus on you and growing your family and if people can’t accept it or want to vocally disagree with you every step of the way you don’t need them.

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  9. First of all, she didn’t agree with IVF because of the cost? Seriously? I don’t understand how that is any of her business and she clearly doesn’t understand that money is the last thing we care about – we want our baby. Money is only an issue because sometimes we don’t have a lot of it, but guess what – we make it work. As a parent you are CONSTANTLY sacrificing for your child — we just started a little earlier financially. I ate a lot of spaghetti for the two years we did fertility treatments, and while I have NO IDEA how we were able to pay for 25K worth of treatment we did – when you are passionate about something you just do.

    Second, its a rough decision…it seems like because they’re blood we feel obligated to have them in our lives – but if someone is bringing you down, why let them continue to do so. I definitely do not think you should apologize, but I did learn a long time ago that even if you feel you didn’t do anything wrong you may have hurt someones feelings – when in a situation like that I apologize by saying “I’m sorry that what I said made you feel that way” because in all reality it is possible she did feel a certain way. The rough part is I don’t see her apologizing back which would piss me off. I deal with the same shit with my sister and if it weren’t for my nieces I don’t think we’d talk.

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  10. I’m sorry she is only piling it on in a difficult time, but cutting her off for life when she’s being selfish seems extreme. Seems like you could just not put energy into it and detach a little first. I hope you make the right decision for you and your family.

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  11. This is so hard. I am sorry, I know how much this sucks. You have to set a healthy boundary for yourself. I wasn’t sure which post to put up today, but you made my decision clear. I hope you can find some clarity in my writing… Sending love, clarity and lots of baby light 😉 ❤ J

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  12. this breaks my heart. i’m so sorry. honestly – I hear how she constantly gives you stress and right now… you really don’t need it. what you (we all) are going through is stress enough. she is your sister..although, surround yourself with positivity and do it not only for yourself… but do it for your baby. anxiety and stress for you = anxiety and stress for baby. if it helps, we love you on here… and we are all sisters too. xo

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  13. I dont think you should totally cut her off because other people are involved in this relationship as well and will suffer from this, like your parents. But You do have to learn how to coexist and how to not let her step over your boundaries even if she tries. She will say shit to push your buttons, but the only thing you have control over is yourself.. when that happens, instead of hanging up, or calling her names, just politely walk away… I guarantee that nothing will get to her more than her not being able to get to you. Always be polite and just walk away. Don’t tell her about your life either. Focus on yourself Lindsey! Don’t let anyone rob you of this moment, not for one second!

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  14. You really don’t need this drama and stress right now. I just can’t understand why your sister doesn’t get this and can’t just be supportive. I’m sure from her point of view, she’s reaching out and trying, but all it does is upset you more, and honestly if an apology wasn’t the first thing out of her mouth, then whatever good intentions she has really don’t mean much. Sending you a big hug hon. Keep putting you, your husband and your baby first.

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  15. Families are tough. I definitely don’t think you have anything ton feel sorry for as you have not passed judgment on/or hurt anyone…purposefully or inadvertently. So NO, do not apologize. What I might attempt to do is make boundaries for both your parents and your sisters. Draw them very clear for your family. Is it possible for you to say…”I don’t wish to talk about my health or fertility with you. I’m sorry, but that’s off limits for conversation.” Then choose to talk about things that don’t raise any red flags or simply respond to topics they initiate. You might also minimize your conversations with those that hurt you as well. I’m so sorry you are going through this with your family, but know there are people out there that DO understand and DO support you! (((hugs)))

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  16. Pingback: Today, I choose joy | Awaiting Autumn

  17. I’m the cut out of my life type of person. It is very hard to do when it is a family member though. You did absolutely nothing wrong, and have no reason whatsoever to apologize. If my parents went against my wishes by telling people information I asked them not to, I wouldn’t tell them anything anymore. (Of course how can you not tell them what is going on lol). I would say to not completely cut her out of your life because one day you will wish she was there, but don’t go out of your way to talk to her either. One day she will realize she was in the wrong to tell you what you are doing is wrong and apologize to you.

    Good luck with your results! I can’t wait until they come back.

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  18. I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this. There’s really no winning in this situation, either you have to apologize for something you didn’t do (which I don’t necessarily condone) or cut her out of your life (for the most part at least)…..and I’m sorry for that. Maybe time will heal this relationship, I pray it does. I don’t know how your relationship was with your sister growing up, but I know even though my YOUNGER VERY FERTILE sister gets on my last nerves sometimes I wouldn’t trade her for the world. The love of a sister is something very special…..but maybe you get that love from a close friend of yours instead. If she’s stubborn and toxic I don’t think you need her! Especially while you’re going through this highly stressful time of IVF & early pregnancy. I say eliminate the drama, at least for now! Thinking of you.

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  19. I just read this post and went back and read your original post. So sorry you are going through this! It’s sad to say, but sometimes family is more trouble than they are worth. I am not close with my family, for a variety of reasons and it took a while but I am at peace with that decision (most days). What’s most important is taking care of yourself, your husband, and your baby. Don’t ever feel badly about cutting toxic people out of your life. It’s tough when they are family, but unfortunately sometimes family is the most toxic of all.

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  20. Urgh, what is it about sisters, I agree. This is such a tough one, esp when you are in those moments of hyper sensitivity. I totally understand, I can easily get riled up about conversations with friends and colleagues, never mind unsupportive family! I’m sorry that this has disturbed your peace of mind, it’s the one thing you so deserve right now.

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