This ship has set sail leaving the family drama behind

Dysfunction.

I won’t deny it. My life has been filled with it.

Well, yesterday was enough for me.

I really didn’t want to write about what’s been going on with my sister, but for the sake of my own personal healing, I need to.

Since finding out she’s pregnant, I’ve done nothing but support her. She started spotting and was scared.  I told her that spotting is common in pregnancy and unless it’s bright red and clotted, she should be ok. I encouraged her to use positive visualizations to picture her baby in her arms in February. All because I truly do not want my sister to put undue stress on her baby. I want her to be happy and healthy. 

Unfortunately, she can not share in anyone else’s joy.

It hurt that she told me I was “too fat and not a good candidate for IVF” when she has not educated herself on the process. But it hurt even more, when I realized she was hiding her pregnancy from me when she spoke those words.

My brother called me yesterday because she was fighting with them about plans for her trip back to Ontario this summer. The fight was juvenile and unnecessary. The solution was simple. But she wouldn’t back down. She finished off stating that she doesn’t want to see them and meet their new son, her first and only nephew.

After I got off the phone, she started texting me about the fight. I tried to rationalize with her, but she turned on me.

She said that her intention all along was to get pregnant before me. (Wait a second here? We were taking about sleeping arrangements at the cottage – not your pregnancy?) She told me that I’m just a jealous bitch who’s trying to make her feel bad. She said I’m angry that for once she got what she wanted in life and I didn’t.  She wants the entire family to be nicer to her because she might miscarry.

She expects the entire family to cater to her demands.The spotlight has to be shining bright on her at all times. Or else, she creates chaos and projects her own insecurities onto everyone else. I pity her fiancé as I’m not sure the guy has ever seen her true colours. My sister needs major therapy to deal with her issues.

Unfortunately, I’m done saving her. I’m done being the big sister who always does what’s right to keep the peace in the family. I’m done being nice to her when she’s done nothing but treat me like shit my entire life. I’m done pretending it’s ok to please my Mother who is in denial about how volatile her younger daughter truly is. I’m done with the narcissistic behaviour, the compulsive lies and the excuses.

My birthday night ended with a phone call to my parents.

Ignore her“, they said.

How can I ignore what she just said to me when she knows how much we want to have a baby of our own? 

I cried my eyes out to my mom about not getting any support from them. I told her I just need my mom sometimes.  I just need her to listen, but it doesn’t seem like she cares about our infertility, let alone our upcoming IVF cycle.  I told her that they can not condone my sister’s behaviour. But, I know they will do nothing about it. 

Throughout all of this, I know one thing: I stayed true to myself. I was honest and open about my feelings. And I continued to support my sister, even after the horrible things she said to me.

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She’s deleted and blocked my brother, my sister-in-law, my husband and I from texts and Facebook. Guess that’s what happens when you know you are in the wrong and don’t want to hear the truth. 

I’m a bit upset with myself for breaking down (especially on my birthday night), but I needed to release the hurt. And move forward… with a few less people in my boat. Hope the view is nice from the shore. I won’t be going back to pick them up.

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63 thoughts on “This ship has set sail leaving the family drama behind

  1. Oh I am so sorry to hear of all this and I can’t believe you had to deal with this on your birthday! Ugh! Hopefully one day you can all work it out. Protect yourself girlie 🙂

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  2. Im so sorry, that sucks… the timing couldnt be worst either with both of you trying/having babies at the same time… I know its hard but I would say be the bigger person… just write off what she says and don’t let it get to you… i know you feel like this is between the 2 of you but its going to affect your whole family and I’m sure your parents will be really sad to see this happening b/w the 2 of you.. Don’t let her change you, continue to be supportive.. When people give you hate, return love and eventually love wins

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  3. I have the same sort of relationship with my little sister, although we are SO different I don’t think there can be much direct competition–it’s more that she is immature, sheltered, and crazy/irrational (and unmedicated). She tried to ruin my wedding & didnt end up going. I love her still, but our relationship is about as stable as a volcano. My mom made her this way by indulging her and telling me to “ignore it” too. Huge mistake. Keep your head up. XOXO

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    • Wow. Are they twins who were separated at birth? My sister also tried to ruin our wedding. My sister and I have not been close EVER until this past year… well that has ended. Do you have a relationship with your sister at all?

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      • Yeah I do now, but even when I moved home in October she was distant and always “too busy” to see me, even though I live 15 minutes away. Thing is, her marriage was crumbling & she was trying to ignore it/hide it from me. Now it’s in shambles & she is grateful for my support. Also we are both currently estranged from our father & our mother has passed. So I’m hoping that this is a new chapter for us. So far, so good. But sure as I sit here, this peace will not last forever! But I still love her, even when she’s a little monster. Oh, and I’m tall & curvy and she’s naturally (effortlessly) thin and petite–but she knows NEVER to speak of my weight. Ever. XOXO

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  4. Unfortunately, I know exactly what this feels like. My sister is similar to yours in many ways. Mine has found a way to stab me in the back even after I cut her out of my life. This year she got married on my wedding anniversary. She not only wanted me there, she asked me to officiate! And somehow convinced my hubby’s sister to be her photographer… Anyhow, my advice is stay true to yourself and your feelings just like you did with the texts. You have a lot on your plate and this relationship might be toxic for you at this time. Enjoy your view from the boat, never-mind the shore! “Those who matter don’t mind, those who mind don’t matter”… Virtual hugs

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  5. I am so sorry that you went through all of this – especially on your birthday. Sometimes this open and raw emotion can help clear the air and be cathartic – either people will finally realize how to support you and/or you will realize to let some people go – hopefully only temporarily and that you can all come back together in a better space later. Sending you lots of love and hugs!

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  6. WOW, I cannot believe your family is acting like this. It is one thing to be fighting with your sister but I still do not understand why your mom isn’t there for you – you are her child who wants to have a baby! Shit, you’re a straight couple trying to have a baby!! I thought we’d get more hassle for being two women, but it seems like your family are just not nice people. You’re sister sounds like my sisters – I’m the youngest of four and yet I’m the most responsible on, constantly taking care of their messes – it doesn’t make sense. Your sister has no reason to treat you like that and while she is scared, she should still support you – if anything you know what she is going through more than anyone else. I am so sorry you have to deal with this!

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  7. yikes, good riddance! on a lighter note, when people tell me we MUST try to have more than one child because siblings make everything better, i just shake my head – and i LOVE and get along great with my sister. but i’ve certainly heard enough horror stories from others about sibs to know it’s not even close to 100% that sibling relationships are awesome and wonderful.

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  8. Sometimes we just need to take care of US first- and everyone else, family or not, can jump off a bridge.

    I’m so sorry you had to go through this! But if it will bring you less stress through IVF, then it will be worth it in the end.

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  9. I’ve had lots of sister drama this year as well so I get it for sure. It’s better to let it go for now and focus on yourself and your husband. My sister quickly felt the detachment from those who didn’t want to deal w/ her bs. It took her almost 8 months but she finally came around and apologized and had a civil conversation with myself and my mother. Just keep truckin’…

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  10. I am so sorry you are dealing with this in, especially during a time that you are really trying to keep stress out of your life. Elisha’s right, you need to protect yourself at this time. I would forgive her and be as civil as possible for your’s and your family’s sake, but I wouldn’t go out of my way for her. She clearly doesn’t know how to appreciate it. J’s sister is the same way. Everything should be centered around her and when it’s not, she throws huge temper tantrums. I’m civil when I see her, but I have lost all respect for her for things that she’s said and done to us and because of the way she speaks to their parents. Good Luck and know that we are all here for you!!!

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  11. I am so sorry that you were put into that situation by your own sister. However, I think you handled it beautifully. As we’ve learned through all of our stuff, if there is a time to be selfish, now is the time. And while I use the word selfish, I don’t mean to use it in a negative way. I mean that right now, you need love and support and only love and support. If people cannot or will not provide that, then they don’t need to be part of your life.
    Anyways, I do hope the drama quiets down as you definitely deserve less stress in your life right now.
    Oh, and happy birthday!!

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  12. I’m so very sorry that you’ve been through all of this – and on your birthday! 😦 I really hope you get the support you need from your mom. Keep being true to you and don’t let the negativity get you down! ❤

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  13. Im sorry that you have to go thru that with your family. But unfortunately most familys due have that one person (including my family) that just has to have all the attention all the time if not the shit hits the fan. You have to do what is best for you and your family. Im sorry that she can’t come to the realization. I hope the rest of your family can support you during ivf. Remember you have all us here for you.

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  14. Wow. I am reading this with my mouth agape and eyes bugging. That is absolute insanity on her part. I’m sorry she is being so hateful and venomous to you. You’re smart to take a step back from her; she clearly has some issues to work through on her own and I hope she does that soon before she alienates herself from those who truly love her. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this on top of the IVF stress.

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  15. So sorry to hear that you’re going through this with your sister. You would think that now that she’s pregnant she would understand the pain that you’re going through as you go through IVF. People are just messed up sometimes – you can’t reason with them. All you can do is set clear boundaries and let them know when they’ve hurt you and that it’s not right. My husband and I have dealt with similar people during our struggle with infertility . . . hang in there. I wish you all the best with your upcoming IVF.

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    • The boundary has been set. I asked my Mom to remind her that we (my husband and I) don’t want to hear from her until we are ready – meaning we will make the first contact. And I can tell you, it won’t be anytime soon.

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  16. I cannot believe how callous and completely rude her reaction was. You know that saying “born in a barn?” Pretty much sums up my entire feelings about her inappropriate and really inhumane word vomit. You don’t deserve that. And to actually say that she was competing with you to become pregnancy?! That poor little soul she is carrying. I am so sorry, love, that you had to experience that. AT this point it’s not about ignoring her behavior. It’s about protecting yourself and your husband. You do NOT need this right before IVF. Hugs, lady. I am thinking of you!

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  17. I am so sorry, I know sister crap all too well. My one and only was the one who spoke the words, “How long are you going to use this f*cking excuse, so what you can’t have kids. But you chose not to have kids.” I am working everyday on accepting her limitations and definitely practice a lot of loving compassion towards her, more for my own sanity. But bottom line, I have plenty of people in my life who love and support me, and although it is epically sad, my only sister just isn’t one of them. Sending you love and light! Justine

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  18. 😦 I’m so sorry you have to deal with this stress with everything going on right now. You should never have to deal with this, but especially not now and not on your birthday! It sounds like your sister has a lot of growing up to do. Keep you head up hon and don’t pay any attention to her spiteful and ignorant comments. Sending you a big, big hug.

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  19. Oh my! How dare she say those things to you? I completely support your decision to cut her out of your life for now. IVF is crazy and the last thing you need is negative people in your life. Sometimes you have to walk away. I did this with my mom years ago. She made some bad choices and I was never a priority. She made me so upset when I talked/saw her that one day I finally realized I’m better off without her. I’m so thankful you have a husband that supports you. Lately I honestly feel that if we have that then any other support is an added bonus. I’ve been thinking of your upcoming IVF cycle and wish you the very best.

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  20. I just want to tell you how sorry I am that you have been dealing with this while trying to cleanse, calm and ground yourself for your upcoming IVF cycle. And I’m especially sorry your mom is not in a place where she can do the right thing (with you or your sister). Huge hugs, friend.

    On the other hand, I’m really glad you’ve drawn lines, spoken your truth, and are rowing away from the toxic. Wishing you so much light, peace and joy as you row your way to those precious babies I see in your future.

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  21. Pingback: Back to the baby-making | Awaiting Autumn

  22. Ugh ugh ugh! Family drama is the worst! And definitely part of the reason I am dragging my feet on going home later this year. I want to see everyone, except the last time we talked about it, my stepmom was wigged out on eggs (they make her batshit crazy). And well, that’s just the surface of it all. Yeah, I understand you.
    Take care of you!

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    • Thanks Heather! It’s ironic we all want to bring children into this world. What will they think of us one day? I always say that the ones who recognize the craziness should end up being healthier parents themselves but who knows?

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  23. Darling, I understand it is hard, but you need to focus on you and the family you are creating. Negativity is oozing out of your sister and that is her cross to bear. Sending love and positive vibes your way

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  24. I’m so sorry you had to go through this on top of everything else. There will always be people like that in this world and sometimes they end up in our families. You did what you had to. Maybe one day you will both forgive each other. But for now, you need your peace.

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  25. Pingback: Breaking the silence | Awaiting Autumn

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