Things that have been bothering me lately

Lately,  there has been a few (in)fertile worries on my mind:

  • I will break down when someone asks when we are having children. Twice lately, I’ve been asked when we will have kids. Both times, I surprisingly handled it well; but I keep waiting for that inevitable breakdown.
  • My sister might get pregnant before me. My sister and her boyfriend started trying this past month. She may have some difficulties conceiving due to past medical issues. I gave her lots of information and suggested she make a doctor’s appointment to follow up on her past issues. She skipped the doctor, decided to try anyway and proceeded to text me constantly asking what day she should test. I love you sister. But, I can’t go back to that place of incessant hope. I’ve been burned by Aunt Flo for too many months. Read the material I gave you. Listen to my advice. It comes from a place of love and experience. 
  • My sister-in-law might get pregnant with #3 soon. Rumour has it: she wants another kid. I honestly have NOT gotten into half of the bullshit we go through with my brother and sister-in-law, but let’s just say: I don’t know how they could financially bring another baby into this world. Get what I’m saying? She also said to me last weekend that we will most likely get pregnant this month since we are on a break. I just want to slap the bitch and every other idiot who tells me, “Relax, it will happen when you least expect it”. I get that THEY don’t get it, but I swear I’m about to order a box of (in)fertile t-shirts that say “Tell me to relax and I’ll knife you” (Reminds me of OITNB haha). Who wants one?
  • Our IVF might fail. Oh this one scares me the most! This is only meltdown I’ve had lately. My husband says we will do what we need to do, but it still scares me that it’s a possibility. I’ve seen too many of you (my blogger friends) maintain extremely positive attitudes throughout your cycles only to have the hope come crashing down with a BFN.

I am a worrier. It’s genetically engrained in me.

When I first discovered what anxiety was, I called up my father and said, “Hey Dad – thanks for passing your anxiety onto me!”.

Since then, I’ve learned to manage my anxiety with a combo of meditation, yoga, deep breathing and constantly reminding myself, “Lindsey – you are being ridiculous! SHUT UP!”

My husband balances me out well. He never seems too worried about the future and often reminds me that “We will deal with it when we get there”.

I wish we could get to a place of balance – somewhere between my incessant worrying and his lack of regard.

Until then, here’s my solutions to the above worries:

  • Forget about ’em. If I break down, the best scenario is they will think I’m crazy and never ask again! Perfect. 
  • Be happy for my sister.  Be grateful if she doesn’t have to endure fertility treatments, but also set some boundaries if I’m finding it too difficult to be her support system. And if she does need treatment, I vow to be there for her.
  • Ignore my sister-in-law. Best solution to a very awkward family dynamic.
  • Cry, feel and try again.  I truly believe life doesn’t throw anything your way that you aren’t strong enough to handle. We will get there. We will have children. And if our first IVF is a success, I will be forever grateful.

I’ve had the following song in my head for a week straight.  It reminds me of my husband and all of my fertility friends. I suggest you listen to it if you are also having a worrisome day like me. Love you all. 🙂

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23 thoughts on “Things that have been bothering me lately

  1. I would like to order that t-shit you mentioned that says “tell me to relax and I’ll knife you”, the amount of times people have said this too me is insane. I told a friend the other day that there is no evidence to support relaxing will help be fall pregnant. On a happier note, I love that song(they have a few other videos and they are so super talented)!

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  2. You will get there. Somehow someway someday. Just keep pushing through and remember this journey is about your FUTURE not the present. My RE reminded me of that and it helped a little to remind myself that it may seem month to month but it’s really all for a much longer term goal.

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  3. Beautiful Song! I remember feeling all these worries too. When we embarked on IVF last year, my SIL announced she was pregnant with #3. I adore my new nephew, but her announcement was such a slap in the face at the time (worst timing ever!), but little did I know what was in store for me. I love what ladyloveandbabydust said, this journey is about your future and yes there’s so much to be scared about, but you never know what the future will bring! Everything is crossed for you as you begin this next step in your journey.

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  4. I feel for you. My closest friend just started TTC (she got preg the first time trying with her other child) and as happy as I am for her, it also felt like a little knife in my heart. It’s ok to have some days where you don’t shine as brightly as you’d like. Infertility is a journey and some days the path is rockier than others. Sending you strength and hugs. Nutella works for me, too 😉

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