A case of the (in)fertility blues

I had a really nice post written about my meditation experience from last night, but tonight has spiralled downhill. I’m ready to bitch. So, here you go.

10 reasons why I have the (in)fertility blues

1. Our natural cycle did not result in a miracle baby
2. I just want my Mom,  but she lives 35 hours away and doesn’t seem to ”get” our fertility situation these days
3. 3/4 of my (in)fertility blogger friends are suddenly prego! I am so happy for you but it still sucks…
4. I feel like my support network is growing smaller and smaller.
5. I’m not pregnant. Oh wait! That one was obvious
6. I kinda wish we got on an IVF list sooner. Update: On Tuesday, I called another clinic that specializes in unexplained and does the immune therapy. We are currently waiting for a consult. They said to expect to hear back in a few weeks.
7. My sister-in-law texted me to see when we were starting treatment again. As much as I appreciate that she cares,  I’d much rather she didn’t ask. If I want to talk about it,  I’ll bring it up. I spend enough time and energy dealing with my own situation. I don’t have the strength to educate her on infertility. Maybe I should send her the Resolve family resources?
7. I’m not looking forward to the side effects from another round fertility drugs starting next week.
9. A friend of mine told me today that she thinks she’s pregnant after their first month trying and only 3-4 days past ovulation. I wish her the best,  but her optimism was too much for me today. I know how great it feels to think you are,  but I also know how deep it cuts when you end up not pregnant.
10. I thought I could escape from it all with an episode of Grey’s Anatomy… But Arizona and Callie are planning their 2nd baby and April announced to Jackson she’s pregnant!!!! Wtf!!!
11. BONUS: I’M PMSING

I hope I wake up on the right side of the bed tomorrow with the sun shining bright and my kitty purring beside me.

Good night!

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31 thoughts on “A case of the (in)fertility blues

  1. Sending you a big hug hon. I’m so sorry you’re feeling down. I know I’m one of those who just announced a BFP, and you probably don’t want to hear from me right now (It’s okay if you don’t. I completely understand and I would never hold it against you.), but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. Sending you light and hope.
    *hugs*

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    • I know that my recently prego Infertile friends understand. Trust me. My online community provides more support than anyone else in my life besides my husband. There are no hurt feelings over BFPs on here.. Just a sense of wondering when it will be my turn which obviously is something we can’t predict. It’s just one of those nights. Tomorrow will be better.

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  2. Preach it sister! I feel the same way (except IVF is not on our plate yet–little envious you are onto the ‘big guns’). I dread the drugs of the next cycle. Fear that I’ll give it everything I’ve got and it still won’t work. 75% (maybe more) of my blogger peeps are preggo and I feel like I’m on a deserted island (and what’s more is we barren ladies don’t want to talk about how it feels on our blogs because we don’t want to alienate them). I get it. Glad you’re posting more again–please continue. XOXO

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    • Thanks for noticing I’m blogging more again. You are the second person to mention it this week. ๐Ÿ™‚ well… I’ll give you this: hopefully our turn will be close together, but until then, I’m still standing strong with you!!! As much as IVF is on our plate, it seems verh far away. I still hope and pray everyday we don’t need to go that far.

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  3. Ugh. I’m sorry. About the sister – could you say exactly that to her (I am grateful you care but would appreciate if you let me be the one to decide when I’m ready to talk about it)? As for the 75% pregnant, I hear ya, sister! But your time will come. I am confident. I know that doesn’t help right now. Just want you to know I’m believing in you. And I know how hard the disappointments and waiting are.

    Sending warm hugs and positive energy, L.

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  4. I can relate to so many things you said in this post. I’m trying not to get too excited yet until my beta tomorrow and still feel I’m in the infertile boat. I have a hard time believing I may have gotten my BFP as it’s been BFN’s for 4 years now. I keep thinking about you and hoping your turn is very soon! Omg…I did not see the April pregnancy annoucement coming on Grey’s last night. I instantly thought to myself…why didn’t I save this for the weekend?

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  5. So so sorry your feeling like this. I know it all too well these days. Seems there’s just more and more pregnancy surrounding me right now and I can barely bare it. It’s ok to vent and butch and moan to us my dear. We are your sounding board!

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  6. I’m feeling the same way. I am so incredibly happy for each one of the women on here that have gotten their BFP, many that I’ve actually been praying for daily, but I do wonder if it will ever be me. You said it best, I do feel like my support system is growing smaller. Many of the women that I have connected with not longer even blog now that they have a BFP and I feel forgotten about, you know? I feel like once a blogger gets pregnant, they just have more important things to worry about besides me… It may not be true, but that’s how I feel. Thank you for addressing this.

    Also, I’m looking forward to hearing about your consult and I’m sorry you’re natural cycles didn’t work, but I assume your husband is feeling better now; so that’s good. You’re right about your friend too. We all know that feeling of thinking you’re pregnant and then the disappointment that it causes. I’m hopped up on meds right now and I forgot how much I hated it. I hate giving myself injections and I hate everything that comes along with it.. unless of course it is a baby. Damn hope gets me every time.

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  7. You and I both! I just had my close friend tell me she is pregnant with her 3rd and how GREAT she feels. Uh hello dear friend you do know that my husband & I have been struggling to get pregnant for 2 yrs now! And just yesterday my cousin announced her 3rd but she did it with more respect towards me. I really have been keeping to myself this winter trying not to think much about my husbands infertility. He is supposed to take clomid, but is scared of the effects. So for now we eat healthy take our vitamins and hope fora natural conception. We could hop right in and do ivf, but I really don’t want to conceive like that.If in 3 months no BFP then I’ll probably take the plunge. Just curious our iui was cancelled in Dec due to viability and I wanted to know how the iui feels. Did it hurt when you had your iui or was it just more uncomfortable? All these fertility drugs can pose a risk to the body later on in life. Cysts can develop as well. I’m starting to think that this is Gods plan he has sonething else for us and its not a baby. Meanwhile I read news stories of moms killing their babies and dads suffocating baby to play xbox. Why on earth does God gift children to people like that. Ok I’m done ranting. Just wanted to let you know that your not alone.

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    • My IUI was cancelled in December because they miscalculsted my ovulation time and I ovulated before the IUI. I reacted strongly to the drugs my first month. IUI itself is over before you know it. In January I was really tense, so I cramped more, but I went into February being relaxed and the pain was much less. If you have had an HSG test yet, you can definitely handle an IUI.

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  8. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ baby blues are horrible! I’m one of your 75% pregnant bloggers, but it feels lonely on my end a lot of times ’cause most of my blogger friends are still in the rough seas of infertility ๐Ÿ˜ฆ Not so much fun to blog about my pregnancy progress when you know that most of your bloggers could throw about about it (and I was one of those at some point…lol). I’m not infertile at the moment, but I’m not your regular pregnant woman either…I’m like a infertilepreggo…lol. The naivety of being pregnant was taken away from me last year when I miscarried. I haven’t even mentioned on fb yet that I am pregnant and I’m almost 4 months along of fear something might go wrong. Anyhow, my point is that your infertility battle will never end even once you are pregnant. Having said that I hope you’ll join the infertile pregnant club very soon!

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    • I agree. So many of infertiles who get prego continue to deal with the fear long after. I don’t want to take away your joy. Please continue to post prego updates as I hope to one day be able to share mine with you!

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  9. Oh hun, I understand….I swear my friends can look at their boyfriends or husbands and get pregnant and I am doing IUI with sperm donor (who is a known fertile donor) and I have tried 4 times and nothing! BOOO I’m sorry this has been hard on you…

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  10. I know/remember these feelings so well. I hope you’re feeling better after sleep. I know it helped me most days (at least so I didn’t fee l so bleh as the night before).

    Know that no matter where you are in IF, it always feels that 75% of everyone is pregnant, but you. And it sucks, most of the time.

    I too agree that you should just say what you wrote here to your SIL. If she truly supports you and wants to understand, that should be enough. I had one fried that seemed to understand my not always wanting to talk so I usually ended up talking to her) and another that got totally bent out of of shape because I didn’t want to talk with her when she was worried she wouldn’t be able to get pregnant ever again after 4 months of trying when she got pregnant o her wedding night the first time around. Ugh. (I guess I am still a bit sore over that one.)

    Most of all *big hugs*

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    • Thanks! I did have a convo with my SIL this morning. I sent her the link to Resolve and told her sometimes I just don’t have the strength to explain it all to her. I’ll let her know when I’m up to talking about it.

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