Today my nephew was born. He is the first child for my brother and his wife, first grandchild for my parents and first grandchild on my Mom’s side of the family. I was worried I would be upset but I actually was really excited.
The second I saw his face – and saw my brother’s features in that tiny face – I was instantly in love. He is beautiful. Genetics are fascinating.
The soul is also fascinating. I’ve been fearful about blogging a lot about my spiritual journey. Since it goes hand-in-hand with our fertility journey, I think it’s about time.
When I was 18, my Aunt died in a house fire.This experience was devastating for my entire family, but it made me realize – in the midst of my teenage angst – that family truly was important to me. I rushed home from University to find my brother alone playing the same song line over and over again on his guitar (“Yeah I’m going to have to move on before we meet again” – Move on by Jet). That night, my sister, my brother and I all slept together on the pull out couch – just like we were kids again. We were all in pain. We needed each other.
The night before my aunt’s funeral, I had a dream where I visited the home that had burnt down; the place where she had died. I was with my Mom and my Uncle. Instead of being charred ruins, the home was actually more open concept. There was a big hole in the ceiling where you could look up and see the blue sky. The sunlight beemed down through this hole. It was comforting and warm. It was beautiful.
I stood in the dining room right under the big blue sky. My Mom and her brother walked out of the room. I turned around to find my Aunt standing there. She told me she was alright and that everything was going to be ok. She told me that she loved us all very much. I turned around as I heard my Mom and her brother walk back in the room. When I turned to face my Aunt again, she was gone. The three of us walked out out of the house onto the porch where my Mom handed me a piece of paper and a pen. She told me to write a letter to my Aunt to let her know how I was feeling and to say good-bye. I sat on the steps – a place where I had played every summer of my childhood – and let my good-bye take the form of ink on paper. When I was done, I left it on the step and walked away.
That’s when I woke up. It was one of the only dreams of my life where I actually shot up out of bed. I sat there gasping, shocked and completely overwhelmed by what I had just experienced. I got up out of the hotel room bed and ran down the hallway to find my Mom. Being the spiritual person that she is, my mom found my dream extremely comforting. We both believed that my Aunt had visited me to bring reassurance and comfort to the family.
This month, I’m taking a writing workshop and today was my second session. Basically, it’s using writing as soul therapy – discovering your true potential, healing past wounds, whatever comes up. You meditate and you write.
My first session was very inspiring. Today, I got side swiped – slapped across the face and fell right onto my ass. My theme was REJECTION. My thoughts were scattered, yet interconnected at the same time. Hurt surfaced. Pain surfaced. As I explored this concept, the message was clear. Ego is the source of all rejection. I let ego take me away from my truth and into fear/anxiety. I let ego get in the way of happiness. I need to toss ego to the side and let my light shine.
My very last meditation did me in. It started in my “happy place” – a magical place full of greenery, sunshine and a pure waterfall. I often visit this place and sit on a big rock next to the water. This time, I was joined by my husband, our animals and two babies – a girl and a boy. They were both swaddled in white blankets and laid between my husband and I on the rock.
Next, I went back to the backyard of the house I grew up in. I swung on the swing set and climbed my favourite tree. I got a splinter. I decided not to take it out, but to take it with me. A piece of my childhood “happy place” was now embedded in my hand.
Then, I ended up at my Aunt’s place in the same room where I had seen her in my dream years before. She gave me a hug and the tears began to flow through my closed eye lids.
She walked out of the room and came back holding hands with a young boy and girl. The boy stood on the left and the girl on the right.They looked about 6 years old. I knew instantly they were my children. She told me she was taking care of my babies. And that she would continue to take care of them until they were ready to come.
I walked outside, back to the front porch steps and sat down. I had a piece of paper and a pen. I wrote a letter to my children. I told them that their Daddy and I are ready for them, whenever they are ready for us.
The meditation ended.
I came home feeling like I had cried for days. My husband has been super nice, yet also keeping a distance tonight. He can sense I need some space to digest today’s events.
I am so grateful to have seen my Aunt again and to have felt her loving embrace. But as I write this, I can’t stop crying. And I’m not sure if it’s tears of happiness – knowing that my Aunt is looking down on us and taking care of our children – or tears of sadness because they aren’t here yet.
Either way, the soul grows.