At a crossroads

I feel like my reaction to extended break suggestion from my fertile friends and family was a bit of misplaced anger. I am torn.

I (maybe?) want to take an extended break from fertility treatments. Shocker. I know. 

Why? Well, first off, I LOVE not being on fertility drugs. I really feel like they clouded my intuition which is something I’ve been working at developing over the past two years. I don’t feel like “me” when I’m on the drugs.

My fastball season runs from May-June. It was a big step for me to start playing again 2 seasons ago after taking a 6-7 year break because I was always too focused on other people. I honestly thought I would only ever miss a season again if I was pregnant. It’s one of my most favourite summer activities. Baseball brings me so much joy. I know I could still play while I’m on the drugs, but knowing me, I’d make excuses to not go if I am having a crazy symptom day. Plus, I’d be too paranoid to participate post-IUI. If anyone has any advice on how to resume your life during the 2ww, I’d appreciate it. 

When it comes to (in)fertility, financial reasons always come into play. We know we can increase our line of credit if we decide to jump from IUI to IVF in the near future, but the responsible thing to do would be to save up more before then. Do we really need to be responsible? My gut tells me go ahead with the treatments on credit.  We can pay for IUIs right away, just not IVF. Ughhh decisions, decisions.

Another factor would be that farming season is fast approaching. My husband is a grain farmer on top of his regular full-time job. This year, my husband and his brother took on some extra land which means extra time in the field. It’s difficult to communicate with our in-laws, but it’s even more difficult when you run a business together. Fertility drugs eliminate my filter. I’m not so sure I need to put that added stress on my hubby this season. Yes, I think this situation could be amusing for me, but I just don’t need to go there. This month, my husband has actually made a strong effort to resolve some of our outstanding issues with his family. (note: my father-in-law still has not spoken to us, but my mother-in-law is making an effort). Not surprised.

My husband and I agreed to take at least one more month off, but I’m considering a few more. Maybe just til June or July – a 3-4 month break. Or maybe til the end of the summer/harvest season – a 7 month break. Ugh. 7 months does not sound appealing. 

I haven’t added us to any IVF wait lists or called my alternate clinic for a consult yet. I’m not sure how many more IUIs I want to do, nor do I know what month I want to start them again.

I honestly am not ready to make a decision. 

This first month off treatment has dragged on and on. I’m CD 25 today. I expect my period anytime between CD28-30. It feels weird to know we didn’t try – even if we couldn’t due to the hubby’s surgery. If we did take a break, we’d continue trying to conceive naturally. I’d probably break out the Clear Blue Fertility Monitor again to track my ovulation. But isn’t this taking a step back if we are already on the treatment track? 

Next month, we have a TON of family activities going on that involve children. I know that being around the little ones will tug at my heart strings. Also, my brother’s wife is also expecting any day now. I am bracing myself for a potential day in bed while I process that one. First grandchild for my parents… I always thought it would be me. 

By the end of April, I expect to have a better idea of our plan. I actually think this concept of an extended break may dissolve by then. Until then, I will continue to pray, meditate and look inside for the right answer.

Like everything else in the (in)fertile world, I guess only time will tell.

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15 thoughts on “At a crossroads

  1. It’s so true that it’s so much to think about. My husband and I have been on a break for quite awhile May-October and January- Now, breaks are hard. I like the idea of a break, but it’s still hard. I do think that trying naturally will help you feel like you are doing something to change your situation and all. I know whatever you decide will be right for you… Thinking about you. None of this is easy.

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  2. Yes! I had another comment in mind until I got to the end. I always thought I would give my parents their first grandchild too! Everyone did. I was 19 when we got married. I’m 33 now. Suffice it to say, I am very much not the first one by about 13 years now.

    As far as breaks go, I think you should take as much time as you need! If you are not 100% decided on what treatments to do next, you should wait until you are absolutely sure. I haven’t gone through any yet, but I can only imagine the mental and physical stress you go through.

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  3. Dear, dear friend… I so understand this internal war. Break or not. What is best for the future. 30 days alone seems so very long! But do what is best for y’all. Not just about a baby, but for the rest of life. Summer rocks when we are all not hormonal and harvest really isn’t that far away. I think Hubs and I will be having this discussion if, well, you know. I keep saying we have waited so long, a little while longer won’t matter if it’s the right time. I heart you, girl!

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  4. Only time will tell, but drug free can really be a blessing. I’m also considering taking a 2 month break after this cycle if it doesn’t work to save up money. It can really break the bank after a while and that’s more added stress. My wife plays softball and it’s her safe place/fun space so I can understand that as well. I really don’t think that tracking your ovulation while trying naturally is taking a step back. You’d be being proactive while also resting your body and brain from all the drugs and medical world stresses. You’ll figure it all out soon I’m sure. Until them…breathe.

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  5. So many conflicting thoughts and decisions that must be made! I really feel for you. I wish I had some especially good advice for you, but all I have is to just take it one day at a time because that’s really all we can do. I wish we could do more! I’ll be thinking of you as you try and figure out whats best for you and your husband- body, mind and spirit.

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  6. The hormones are the devil and I’m actually envious of you–if I was in a position to plan on IVF in the near-ish future and ttc naturally in the meantime (post surgery may be a game-changer for you), then that is EXACTLY what I would choose to do. I only wish that Mr. MLACS was home to ttc naturally, or that we were even at the point of discussing IVF on a practical level. I’m so disillusioned by the drugs and IUI’s. I feel you on the family drama–as if infertility isn’t hard enough, family issues add so much more stress to the “pot”. I feel for you about your brother having a baby soon–that is so bittersweet–if it was me I would feel upset, then feel guilty for being upset, followed by moments of acceptance and excitement–but ultimately, I would feel screwed over. *hugs* XO

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    • Brother sucks because he doesn’t even talk to me anymore since he married his wife. He lived with me for a year before he moved in with her and we hung out every weekend 😦 yeah… We will get back on the IUI bandwagon soon. Maybe all I need is next month ttcing naturally to kick start me back into IUI. I guess I just feel like we should give it a bit of a shot post hubs surgery. And I get you on the husband not being home. That’s why I don’t want to cycle during seeding/harvest. What’s the point? It would just be added stress onto an already stressful (for him) situation.

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  7. That’s a tough call! I completely see where you’re coming from, but it would be hard to take that long of a break, esp if you’d be breaking out the fertility tracker again…..bc mentally you wouldn’t be taking a break at all, if that makes sense. Best of luck with your decision, you guys have to do what’s right for you! Thinking of you!

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  8. Your post totally tugs at me because I KNOW what you mean. First of all, it doesn’t matter what we say through this forum, it doesn’t matter what other family members say, it doesn’t matter what friends say…all that matters is what you and your husband say!! PLEASE remember that. We took this month off too, we tried naturally, and I DREAD going back to my RE and loading up on injectables again (i’m still waiting for AF), and on top of that – I feel like this past month my relationship with hubby is stronger than ever. Yes, if you break out your CB Monitor, you are still trying — but we should always be trying at least naturally!! Even if you don’t break out an OPK, just BD when you notice EWCM or just an increase in CM. My husband and I are on the same boat with you on the financial side… we can pay for IUI but IVF, we would have to come up with a “plan” on that. We are completely against owing money — needless to say, IVF is not really on our radar. At the end of the day do what makes YOU happy. What makes you happy WILL have a positive effect on your body, BD and focus on the marriage – have fun. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. Enjoy your summer, do what’s best for YOU (and hubby)!!!

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  9. So so tricky. Hubby and I are on break right now, due to our possible move, as well as the fact that we did our recommended 3 IUI’s and now we have no protocol until we meet with our RE next month. But I couldn’t let myself just not try, not prevent. I started taking birth control again so that I didn’t have to track anything, or take any supplements, or worry that maybe i’m pregnant. I wanted a real break. J was sort of disappointed as he thought we would just go about our business with no protection and hope for a maybe baby. But I need a break, mentally. So here we are. We’ll have to wait to see what the RE says (my guess is IVF), and what happens with our out of country job prospects. So many factors to consider, it is maddening! It’s hard to know what the “right” thing for you is. Wishing you strength and clarity!

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