I feel like my reaction to extended break suggestion from my fertile friends and family was a bit of misplaced anger. I am torn.
I (maybe?) want to take an extended break from fertility treatments. Shocker. I know.
Why? Well, first off, I LOVE not being on fertility drugs. I really feel like they clouded my intuition which is something I’ve been working at developing over the past two years. I don’t feel like “me” when I’m on the drugs.
My fastball season runs from May-June. It was a big step for me to start playing again 2 seasons ago after taking a 6-7 year break because I was always too focused on other people. I honestly thought I would only ever miss a season again if I was pregnant. It’s one of my most favourite summer activities. Baseball brings me so much joy. I know I could still play while I’m on the drugs, but knowing me, I’d make excuses to not go if I am having a crazy symptom day. Plus, I’d be too paranoid to participate post-IUI. If anyone has any advice on how to resume your life during the 2ww, I’d appreciate it.
When it comes to (in)fertility, financial reasons always come into play. We know we can increase our line of credit if we decide to jump from IUI to IVF in the near future, but the responsible thing to do would be to save up more before then. Do we really need to be responsible? My gut tells me go ahead with the treatments on credit. We can pay for IUIs right away, just not IVF. Ughhh decisions, decisions.
Another factor would be that farming season is fast approaching. My husband is a grain farmer on top of his regular full-time job. This year, my husband and his brother took on some extra land which means extra time in the field. It’s difficult to communicate with our in-laws, but it’s even more difficult when you run a business together. Fertility drugs eliminate my filter. I’m not so sure I need to put that added stress on my hubby this season. Yes, I think this situation could be amusing for me, but I just don’t need to go there. This month, my husband has actually made a strong effort to resolve some of our outstanding issues with his family. (note: my father-in-law still has not spoken to us, but my mother-in-law is making an effort). Not surprised.
My husband and I agreed to take at least one more month off, but I’m considering a few more. Maybe just til June or July – a 3-4 month break. Or maybe til the end of the summer/harvest season – a 7 month break. Ugh. 7 months does not sound appealing.
I haven’t added us to any IVF wait lists or called my alternate clinic for a consult yet. I’m not sure how many more IUIs I want to do, nor do I know what month I want to start them again.
I honestly am not ready to make a decision.
This first month off treatment has dragged on and on. I’m CD 25 today. I expect my period anytime between CD28-30. It feels weird to know we didn’t try – even if we couldn’t due to the hubby’s surgery. If we did take a break, we’d continue trying to conceive naturally. I’d probably break out the Clear Blue Fertility Monitor again to track my ovulation. But isn’t this taking a step back if we are already on the treatment track?
Next month, we have a TON of family activities going on that involve children. I know that being around the little ones will tug at my heart strings. Also, my brother’s wife is also expecting any day now. I am bracing myself for a potential day in bed while I process that one. First grandchild for my parents… I always thought it would be me.
By the end of April, I expect to have a better idea of our plan. I actually think this concept of an extended break may dissolve by then. Until then, I will continue to pray, meditate and look inside for the right answer.
Like everything else in the (in)fertile world, I guess only time will tell.