Just relax they said, it will happen they said…

This week, I put together a cost comparison chart for staying at our clinic versus switching clinics and a list of pros/cons for what treatment we should do next (Just slightly Type A).

Today, I shared the list with a good friend and asked for their opinion on what we should do next on our fertility journey.  My friend suggested, “why not try for another year or two natural.. and then bust out the $$ to do IVF?” Side note: this is the couple who got prego their first month off the pill. If I had any sense, I wouldn’t have asked for their opinion at all. They don’t understand and I can’t expect them to.

10 day ago, after our meeting with the RE, my Mom also thought we’d magically get prego if we took a break!

Why the FUCK does EVERY FERTILE think that “if you just take a break, it will happen!”?

WTF PEOPLE! What part of infertile do you NOT understand?

The following paragraph comes from the Resolve Organization’s article, Infertility Etiquette:

“Don’t Tell Them to Relax – Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she “relaxed.” Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of “relaxing” are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as “infertile” until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren’t infertile but just need to “relax.” Those that remain are truly infertile….Comments such as “just relax” or “try going on a cruise” create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant… Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.” 

I believe that relaxation helps the process, but can you explain to me why we didn’t get pregnant during our vacation last July? Because everyone gets knocked up from drunk vacation sex right?

Or how about the many months I used an ovulation monitor to time everything perfectly and underwent numerous acupuncture and reiki treatments to promote relaxation? Hmmm, obviously I’m wrong in thinking that timing and proven relaxation-inducing treatments must be the answer!

Or what about the fact that I use a specific, professionally-endorsed mind/body visualization program DAILY throughout our two previous (and obviously unsuccessful) IUI cycles? Nope, I’m not concerned about my mind/body health at all! 

If conception is simply a matter of relaxation, we would be pregnant or even have a baby in our arms already.

Please.

Stop.

Telling. 

Me.

To.

Relax. 

Yes, fertility is stressful. Over the past couple of years, I have learned and developed many ways to balance and control my energy. Obviously it’s not always possible when I’m wacked out on fertility meds, but I do the best I can.

I don’t need my fertile friends and family to give me advice on this journey, unless I ask for their opinion specifically. And lesson learned, I won’t do that any more.

I just need them to listen to me when I need someone to talk to.

I need them to give me some positive uplifting words when I’m feeling down.

But for the next little while, I’m steering clear of the fertile population! Guess that means I’m becoming a hermit. 🙂 

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23 thoughts on “Just relax they said, it will happen they said…

  1. Amen sister! I think it’s good to be “type A”, but of course that lends it’s self to people telling you to ‘relax’–totally unfair, especially given the time, money, and effort you’ve put into alternative medicine and methods. It doesn’t help that ‘relaxing’ actually works for some people (like the couple whose baby shower I’m attending this weekend–ttc’d for 18 months and conceived on a trip to Mexico! I’m happy for them but irritated that they uphold the stereotype). XOXO

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  2. Well said! Now go out right now and tell them that!!! Don’t be afraid to let your friends/family know that you are not looking for their advice. Type up your own little support pamphlet with your own personal do’s and don’ts. “Do be patient with me. Please don’t offer how-to-conceive advice unless asked”. Some people honestly dont know. Most don’t quite understand the important role they can play in this process by just being the ear when you need one. Stand up for yourself and politely tell them! Virtual hugs and much love!

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  3. I’m so sorry.. My sister is the same way. She got of the pill twice.. both times she was pregnant the next month. So her solution is I should get on the pill and then I’d be pregnant… I can’t talk about it with her- but sometimes I need someone to talk to in ‘real’ life. I get why you talked to her about it. I’m so sorry you had to deal with all of this.

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  4. I’m sorry, but I wouldn’t take a year or two off to try naturally if I were you either!! I realize miracles happen all the time, I’m just not of the opinion that I’m going to be that girl that gets pregnant when we stop trying…..mainly bc I will never stop trying! The “fertiles” just don’t get it!

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  5. I think it’s just really hard for them to understand it as an actual medical problem. Which is insane to me but whatever. I’ve taken to explaining it like this.

    “you wouldn’t tell a paraplegic to just relax and try to walk more often, eventually you’ll run a marathon. It doesn’t work without medical intervention. I won’t WORK with out medical intervention”

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  6. I seriously cannot comprehend how people think it’s so easy and just no big deal to postpone treatment. I have racked my brain to try and think of something to compare it to to make them understand how “just wait a year or two” is probably the dumbest and rudest thing you could say. I suppose you could say “imagine someone took your child from you and said they wanted $30k to get him back. Would you be willing to spend two years saving so you could just pay it all off, or wold you be willing to do ANYTHING and pay any amount to get your child back? yeah that’s what I thought.” SO FRUSTRATING!

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  7. You know, i think through this journey FAITH and HOPE is very important. It keeps our spirits up and i feel WELCOMES that little one (as i sit here with an empty uterus). Ha! I don’t think i could just “sit” for a year or two. That would NOT make me feel relaxed. I could understand taking a CYCLE break, but not a calendar year!
    Like you, i also learned that my fertile friends just DON’T get it. And they never will. They take procreation for granted and i’m sure they think we’re not timing it properly, we’re doing something wrong, or just not really trying.

    They. Don’t. Get. It.

    Hang in there and do what’s best for YOU (and hubby). I’ve learned that in this journey, the decisions and opinions made by the both of you is all that matters.

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  8. Huh…wait a year or 2? Cause why not suggest that. Should have thought better about that statement, friend. We’re here though, to let you vent and talk about all those silly, naive fertiles! Just relaxing out here 😉

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  9. This is one of the exact things that makes me very angry!! That Resolve article is fantastic and I wish everyone would read it when they know someone battling infertility. Wishing you the best!

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  10. I HATE that line. Everyone always knows someone who knows someone who got pregnant once they stopped trying. BS. It’s an old wives tale. Not to mention I have read stories by lots of women who got their “bfp” when they “weren’t trying “and yet they got their bfp on like 10dpo. Ummm, if you are not trying you do not know your DPO, hence the stories about relaxing are just as lame as the other ones like oh, if you adopt you will get pregnant etc. etc. For some of us making a baby is a crapload of work, but nothing in this world worth having comes easy

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  11. I needed this today! After already having a miscarriage months before following 10 years of infertility, surgery, clomid etc. someone actually said to me “Have you ever tried ovulation predictors? Maybe then you’ll get pregnant” Ah yes, because I’ve just crawled out from under a rock. LOL.

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  12. Amen! These comments from people make me crazy. Try and let their ignorance roll off your shoulders and identify the friends in your life you know you can share this struggle with…and who you can’t.

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  13. Hi, I hope you don’t mind but I found your blog on LFCA, trying to connect with other bloggers going through something similar to my situation. I’ve been going through infertility as well (in addition to neonatal loss). I so agree with you. I don’t understand how people who have never been through infertility have a right to give us “advice” or tell us their opinion. It is incredibly frustrating and quite frankly, pretty offensive. I wish you the best!

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