Realizing that my biggest support is right beside me

CD 26. 13 dpiui.

BFN again! Beta tomorrow. 
This weekend was emotional for me. This was supposed to be THE cycle (like we all haven’t said that month after month). 

When I got my first BFN at 11dpiui, I texted my Mom to let her know. I sent a text instead of calling because I knew that my brother and his prego wife were visiting. I didn’t want to ruin the visit with my incessant (in)fertility talk, but I also wanted my Mom. Don’t I deserve a few minutes of Mom time when I’m having a rough day? 

Anyway, my Mom responded with some friendly advice from my sister-in-law about waiting for my blood test and how pee tests can be wrong. Come on now! Who is the fertility expert here? Not the one who got knocked up her first month trying and didn’t even know what the beta test was until I explained it to her 2 weeks ago. *head shake*  

I was NOT impressed. 

On my way home from work tonight, I called my Mom to catch up and talk to her about our fertility game plan. (Short version: 1 month break, 3rd IUI, get on IVF waitlist). She thought we were jumping the gun. She even said that wonderful phase: “Lindsey, you just need to relax”. 

For the past little while, I’ve gotten the vibe that my family thinks everything will “just work out”. Translation: We will get pregnant naturally. We aren’t really (in)fertile. My husband’s circumcision surgery to correct his Phimosis will solve all of our problems. 

Hello! Wasn’t that what IUI was supposed to do?

Our 2 failed attempts at IUI took my husband’s penis out of the equation. IUI was supposed to eliminate any potential barriers to us conceiving. Our Ob/Gyn said it was a very good solution for us. Well, aren’t we on the path to potentially proving her wrong. 

I tried to explain to my Mom what unexplained (in)fertility means. I told her I wasn’t willing to just wait it out and be childless 5 years from now. I told her we need to get ourselves on that list and start coming up with a plan for funding IVF in case we get there. 

Do I believe there is a chance any (in)fertile could conceive naturally? Hell yes. Miracles happen everyday. 

Am I willing to take that chance myself and not move forward? Hell no. 

I walked in the door with tears running down my face. My hubby took one look at me and said, “Uh oh. What happened now?” As we ate supper together, I told him about my convo with my Mom. When I got to the part about moving forward and planning for IVF, he said, “I agree it’s time to put the pedal to the metal.” We both smiled at each other and laughed. 

My heart melted. He understands.

I’ve been feeling so lost, so alone – like no one around me gets what I’m going through. All I had to do was look right in front of me. My husband may not have to endure all of the drugs, needles, dildocams, and inseminations that I do, but he’s right beside me holding my hand along the way. He gets it as best as he can and most of all, he understands me. 

There’s no one else I would rather be on this journey with. We are in this together.

 

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14 thoughts on “Realizing that my biggest support is right beside me

  1. I’m really sorry this cycle didn’t work. I know exactly what you’re saying about how this was supposed to be “the cycle”, I feel the same way. I also hear where you’re coming from with that conversation with your mom, that’s so frustrating! I agree, I think you’re doing the right thing by being proactive and taking charge of your fertility! Glad your husband is so supportive, it really means a lot!!

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  2. Your mom can’t understand bc she has never been through this. But your husband/partner-in-crime is going through this with you, at this very moment, and clearly understands the toll this can have. I’m glad you have such an awesome support through this.

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  3. Yay for amazing husbands!! I agree with you, get on that list. As far as funding, there are grants available and some states will do half of out of pocket (mine does, just check yours out). Good luck!!!

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  4. Moms are so tough! My mom did the same thing for a while. Every time we talked she’d say “just give it time” and even bought me a baby book. She eventually came around. I try to remember that this is hard for her too because she wants a grandchild. She and I both look a lot like her mom and I’m sure she has sadness about losing that. If you think she’d be receptive, I might try telling her that though being encouraging and saying nothing’s wrong may seem like the right thing to do, it’s really hurtful. I’m so glad at least your husband gets it!

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  5. I really think our moms are friends. Lol. I always want to tell her whats going on but I know no matter what she says although she is trying to be supportive and nice, I just get so mad because she says things like “It will happen when the times right, don’t rush it.” I will be sending prayer for you and remember you always have someone to talk to!

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