A downward spiral of acceptance

CD 23. 10 DPIUI. Technically,  since it’s 1:00 am it’s one day further along. But I haven’t gone to bed yet,  so I’m considering it Saturday still.

Today was a disaster.

My progesterone side effects kicked into high gear. Cue the hot flashes,  frequent emotional outbursts, and very,  very sore ta-tas.

On top of that, my husband has been emotionally detaching because he’s freaked out about his upcoming surgery. I need him connected. I still need his support. It’s hard being strong for both of us.

Our fight started this morning because my husband didn’t want me doing too much today. I was convinced I was going to remove the nasty sticky shelf liner from our kitchen shelves in preparation for painting the cupboards. Home projects keep my mind off fertility.

My hubby felt that with his upcoming surgery,  we shouldn’t move into anything too quickly. He doesn’t realize the prep work required for some projects. I’m content with patching drywall and visioning my diy kitchen makeover –  whether we get to it in two weeks or two months. Ugh why can’t he see my side of this?

And then, because this obviously is the logical thing to do,  we had a convo about finances. Epic fail.

The downward spiral continued until I found myself curled up in my bed crying.  I realized that,  over the past few months, everything I have been looking forward hasn’t happened. I thought my husband would have his surgery last Fall and we would never have to do medicated cycles. I thought we’d take our first hot holiday over Christmas,  but things changed when we attempted our first cancelled IUI cycle in December. I thought our first official IUI in January would be our ticket to becoming parents. Clearly wrong.

When my hubby was telling me to stop my home project planning,  I felt like he was taking another thing away from me.

Back in August,  I had a dream. I woke up and all I could see flashing in my eyes was the date: February 16.  I texted one of my best friends and told her to write it down. I told her to remember it in case anything happens to me that day. Yes,  I’m a big believer in signs and have had dreams come true before. I’m not crazy. Just special. 🙂

Anyway,  that day is tomorrow: 11DPIUI.

This is the longest I’ve gone without testing. I’m an addicted POAS-er. I’ve tried really hard to let go of the outcome this cycle. Deep down,  I’m praying that tomorrow morning I will wake up to a bright pink line that will change my life forever.

I can’t predict the future. I don’t know what my dream meant (yet). But I’ve realized that plans change and all we can do is accept it and move forward.

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4 thoughts on “A downward spiral of acceptance

  1. I’m a big believer in signs too, and I really hope tomorrow you get your BFP! Wouldn’t that be incredible?!? Can’t wait to hear the results of your test! Rooting for you girl!!

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  2. I believe in signs too! Yay for Feb 16th!! But maybe God has something just as wonderful planned for this day besides seeing two double lines? I always fall into that trap of only looking for what I want to look for and miss out something else God has for me. So no matter what, look all day for all kinds of blessings from God. xoxoxo

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