(In)fertility land limbo = lots of time to ponder

CD ?

Well, I guess technically CD 31. I stopped my progesterone on Tuesday (CD28). Still waiting for Aunt Flo to appear.

Wednesday was a disaster for all of the following reasons:

1. I got the final confirmation that my beta was negative.
2. I was mad at my clinic for not calling promptly.
3. After disclosing our negative results to a few close friends, I realized they don’t understand how fertility treatments can be a crap shoot – especially IUI. There’s no guarantees – ever. (In)fertility really has placed me in a different category. I’d love to have answers. I’d love to have zero stress. I’d love to know more about why. But I don’t. 
4. Our fridge motor starting going. Just what I need to pay for right now: a new fridge! 
5. My boss told me he wants to me to travel for work sometime the 1st or 2nd week of February. I have no clue how this is going to work with my appointments. 
6. I discussed my potential schedule with my work colleague who will be travelling with me. I told him I MIGHT be able to do February 12-14 IF Aunt Flo arrives before the end of the weekend. He told me his wife will not let him be away for Valentine’s Day. You have got to be fucking kidding me! We’d be flying back that night! I felt like he’s left me no option but to tell my boss what my situation is – as obviously my fertility appointments are a legit excuse for being inflexible with my travel schedule.
7. My husband tends to tune out when he’s stressed. I asked him to call his Mom to let her know about our results. I also ask him to tell her that I needed a few days to myself, but I would get in a touch when I was feeling better. Well, he “forgot” to mention this to her. She tried to call. She emailed. Ugh. I had asked him to protect me from having to deal with anyone or anything else today. I felt extremely unsupported.
8. I melted into a complete emotional breakdown. Again. *sigh*
   

So, I did what any (in)sane (in)fertile would: I called in sick for 2 days.

Note: To anyone I work with who may potentially stumble upon this blog and figure out it’s me – Hello! Welcome to my blog! Mental Health may not be the flu, but it’s a valid reason for taking time off. Thank you. Enjoy your reading.

And I slept and slept and slept. It was nice to finally not have the vivid dreams I had while on the drugs.

Then, I paid the bills, researched new fridges, and took the time to think about WHY I took this negative cycle so hard.

It’s definitely an ego issue. I am a successful person. Fertility is the only thing that I am majoring failing at in my life.

I am a spiritual person. I believe in divine timing. I also believe that we have life lessons we choose for ourselves before we enter this lifetime. Taking those beliefs into account, I’m not failing. The timing just isn’t right. I’m meant to continue on this fertility journey as it’s going to be a positive thing for my life. Whether that means strengthening my relationship with my husband or getting to know myself better, there are positive reasons WHY we are facing these difficulties trying to conceive.

I keep wondering what’s wrong with me? I keep feeling like some other health concern is going to come up. But, I know these are just ego-based fears. The tests have proven that my functions are all functioning… so far, at least. 

I will continue on this journey knowing that it’s not worth it to spend an abundance of time worrying about the outcome. I need to embrace that this is a part of me now. (In)fertility has made me face many deep-rooted issues: resentment, fear, anger, inadequacy, need for support, etc. Each time I dissolve one of these belief systems, I get closer to my true self.

So for now, I will:

• Be up front about my fertility schedule and how it can be emotionally demanding. Make balance in my life. Focus on me. Set aside time each day for relaxation.
• Tell my boss what I’m going through – not for pity, not to lesson my workload, but so that he can understand why I can’t be accommodating at certain times of the month.
• Speak up more to my husband about how he can support me.
• Stop taking (in)fertility so personally.
• Look at the positives of the situation. 
  
• Find the joy in planning for our future that I once had – starting with re-decorating our main floor living room. Bonus: non-baby related. 
  
• Not stress about the small stuff. We need a new fridge? No problem. A fridge is a necessity. Move $ from the savings to the chequing and go buy one – which we did last night! Yeah!! Got an in-store deal that was better than what was advertised online. Our fancy new fridge arrives on Tuesday. Another non-baby thing to look forward to. 🙂 

Wednesday wasn’t all bad though. I got my refinished wash stand back – a first step towards the main floor redecorating. For those of you who are wondering how it turned out, here you go:

I have a Reiki appointment at 4pm today. Believe it or not, Reiki has brought on my period many times in the past. It helps that stagnant energy to get flowing.

Come on CD1… I’m ready for you.