A dream is a wish your heart makes

CD 27. 13 DPO. 2 days til Christmas.

I changed my mind. I didn’t go for the blood test.

I woke up from a variety of nightmares (yeah I know. my subconscious is just fucked right now. I wonder if it’s due to coming down off the Clomid?) to another BFN, some mild cramps and reddish/brownish spotting. I just figured what’s the point? My period isn’t technically late and it’s definitely showing strong signs of coming.

I spoke with the clinic this morning and the IUI lab isn’t open again until January 6th. Each day longer it takes for my period to arrive is actually a good thing. If Aunt Flo can hold off for a few more days, we have a better chance of not missing this cycle due to the lab being closed.

As the day went on, I was feeling more bloated and PMS-like. Then, like usual, I was smacked across the face by another in-law situation.

I got ambushed last Thursday night. While my hubby was out, my mother-in-law decided to stop by to work things out after my hubby’s confrontation with her. The conversation actually went fairly well. She asked me to explain what we were going through with our fertility stuff because she doesn’t understand (nor has she cared to). I started from the beginning and made sure to include all of the excruciatingly painful details. 😀

For those who are just beginning to follow my story, we have unexplained infertility – except for a condition called Phimosis (a.k.a tight foreskin). My hubby is on the surgical wait list for circumcision. They originally told us 2-3 months on the wait list. It’s now been over 4 months. Our fertility specialist suggested IUI as a interim solution while we wait for surgery.There is not much information out there relating Phimosis to infertility, but it seems to be the only probable barrier (literally – ha!) to us having a baby.

As I explained this to my mother-in-law, she told me that my hubby actually suffered from a few foreskin infections when he was a child. She thought he was about 8 years old when he had his last one. Her doctor just gave her some ointment to treat then. Wonderful. That explains A LOT.

Overall, the convo was decent. My husband ended up coming home for a bit while his mother was still over. She tried to defend my father-in-law and told me he was “starting to feel bad”. (Starting? Just starting to feel bad? WOW!)  I told her his actions were not a reflection of her and that it was his responsibility to resolve them with us.

She begged us to come for Christmas. We said no. She insisted on giving us our gifts before Christmas Day. We said we would get back to her on our availability. When she left, things were smoothed over and we were on good terms – at least with her. I had hope that things would get better.

Fast forward to today…

My husband spoke with his mother yesterday and suggested tonight would work for exchanging gifts. She was supposed to come over at 6:30pm. I was a bit stressed about this as I hoped to get to Costco and pick up my next round of Clomid. I put this thought aside as I felt if she was willing to make an effort, I needed to as well.

At 3:30pm, she called my husband at work and said she wouldn’t be able to make it. His dad wanted to go to a friend’s son’s hockey game. She was going to the game with him and didn’t have time to come by. She said she would call tomorrow and maybe she would have time to come over then.

When are you going to have time to come over tomorrow when you know my hubby is working til 4 pm, I am volunteering until 7 pm, and you are cooking Christmas supper for your other son and his wife? Crazy lady – I tell ya! 

I was livid. I was hurt. I was questioning why I even bothered wasting the energy speaking with her last Thursday. What happened to her seemingly sympathetic approach, her desire to understand why we felt unsupported, and her offer to help?

It all was a farce.  Nothing will change.

I must result to lowering my (almost rock bottom) expectations again. They showed us what was more important to them and it obviously isn’t rebuilding our relationship.

This is why we are not going for Christmas was all my husband would say to me about it. And, he’s more than right this time.

As I drove home from work feeling emotionally defeated, the following song came on the radio. I cried and cried. How much is too much? I’m done with my in-laws but I’m not willing to give up on my fertility journey. I thought of my husband as I sang along, “I won’t give up if you don’t give up...”

I still believe that this in-law drama happened to bring my hubby and I closer together. Deep in the pit of my stomach, I hope it subsides as I really want to do all I can to stay relaxed and positive during next month’s journey.

My dream didn’t come true, but that doesn’t mean isn’t foreshadowing the hopefully near future.

I wish that 2014 ends up being a heartfelt year of dreams coming true for us… and you too.

Congrats to all of the beautiful women who received their BFPs today. Thank you for sharing your stories with me. You bring me strength and give me hope.

Merry Christmas. Xo.

May your days be merry & bright - Christmas 2013


5 thoughts on “A dream is a wish your heart makes

    • Ugh. I know. I don’t have a flow so I’m not officially out yet. So frustrating yet I’m trying to be realistic. My body is just wack right now. I don’t even want to know what I might dream on progesterone then. Haha Thank you for your support.


  1. Sorry about all the in law drama your dealing with. I can relate (in a slightly different way). New year, fresh start right!? Ps. Love the Christmas card, who says just ’cause we don’t have kids we can’t do cute “family” Christmas photos!


  2. I’ve been meaning to comment on this. I even told my husband about everything you guys are going through. He agreed that you were so brave to have that conversation with you MIL- I hate how people don’t even try to really understand. I hope you had a good Christmas and everything worked out for you and your husband. Cute Christmas card too! Merry Christmas!


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