Infertility: enduring more than you ever thought you could

I’m asking for prayers, love and light to be sent to a dear fertility friend of mine.

After enduring over 5 years of trying to conceive, 1 fresh IVF cycle that resulted in OHSS, extensive fertility testing including the scratch to determine the receptivity of her uterine lining (which came back positive), she just found out that her 4th FET was not successful.

She has never had a BFP.

Life is horribly unfair. 

This is why I feel like anyone facing infertility should never have to defend their feelings. We endure so much to achieve our desire to have children.

We undergo poking, prodding, testing, and surgeries that leave us physically vulnerable and emotionally bruised.

We face our fears and overcome them – only to find new ones hiding on the other side.

We learn who are true friends and family are. We leave behind those whose own journeys prevent them from being a part of ours.

We hope.

We fail.

We grieve.

Yet, we continue on.

We define what we are willing to do to reach motherhood – IUI, IVF, donors, surrogacy, or adoption. We may even find peace with a child-free life.

Does this mean we are unlucky?

No, it means we are strong.

We endure.

We come out on the other side having a completely different perspective on life.

We have suffered, yet we are grateful for learning the things we have, for facing so many life lessons, for becoming a better version of ourselves.

Laurie – I admire your strength and determination. Thank you for letting me be a part of your journey. ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

Realizing that my biggest support is right beside me

CD 26. 13 dpiui.

BFN again! Beta tomorrow. 

This weekend was emotional for me. This was supposed to be THE cycle (like we all haven’t said that month after month). 

When I got my first BFN at 11dpiui, I texted my Mom to let her know. I sent a text instead of calling because I knew that my brother and his prego wife were visiting. I didn’t want to ruin the visit with my incessant (in)fertility talk, but I also wanted my Mom. Don’t I deserve a few minutes of Mom time when I’m having a rough day? 

Anyway, my Mom responded with some friendly advice from my sister-in-law about waiting for my blood test and how pee tests can be wrong. Come on now! Who is the fertility expert here? Not the one who got knocked up her first month trying and didn’t even know what the beta test was until I explained it to her 2 weeks ago. *head shake*  

I was NOT impressed. 

On my way home from work tonight, I called my Mom to catch up and talk to her about our fertility game plan. (Short version: 1 month break, 3rd IUI, get on IVF waitlist). She thought we were jumping the gun. She even said that wonderful phase: “Lindsey, you just need to relax”. 

For the past little while, I’ve gotten the vibe that my family thinks everything will “just work out”. Translation: We will get pregnant naturally. We aren’t really (in)fertile. My husband’s circumcision surgery to correct his Phimosis will solve all of our problems. 

Hello! Wasn’t that what IUI was supposed to do?

Our 2 failed attempts at IUI took my husband’s penis out of the equation. IUI was supposed to eliminate any potential barriers to us conceiving. Our Ob/Gyn said it was a very good solution for us. Well, aren’t we on the path to potentially proving her wrong. 

I tried to explain to my Mom what unexplained (in)fertility means. I told her I wasn’t willing to just wait it out and be childless 5 years from now. I told her we need to get ourselves on that list and start coming up with a plan for funding IVF in case we get there. 

Do I believe there is a chance any (in)fertile could conceive naturally? Hell yes. Miracles happen everyday. 

Am I willing to take that chance myself and not move forward? Hell no. 

I walked in the door with tears running down my face. My hubby took one look at me and said, “Uh oh. What happened now?” As we ate supper together, I told him about my convo with my Mom. When I got to the part about moving forward and planning for IVF, he said, “I agree it’s time to put the pedal to the metal.” We both smiled at each other and laughed. 

My heart melted. He understands.

I’ve been feeling so lost, so alone – like no one around me gets what I’m going through. All I had to do was look right in front of me. My husband may not have to endure all of the drugs, needles, dildocams, and inseminations that I do, but he’s right beside me holding my hand along the way. He gets it as best as he can and most of all, he understands me. 

There’s no one else I would rather be on this journey with. We are in this together.

 

IUI #1 = FAIL

I called my clinic back this morning at 9:30am. Left another message on the nurses line. 

At 10:30 am, I received a call back that yes, my blood work was negative. Epic fail. 

My intuition was right AGAIN this cycle.

I spoke with the nurse about why I never received a call yesterday. She’s not sure. Are you fucking kidding me? I told her I left a voicemail in the afternoon yesterday. She thinks somehow it got lost in the mix of things. Since they didn’t receive my voicemail, they didn’t check to see if my results were in and therefore, didn’t call. She apologized. 

Right after I hung up, another nurse from the same clinic called to ensure I had received a call back. Fuck do you people have any clue what’s going on there? 

I’m not feeling very confident in our clinic. This is the second fuck up with them. We’ve decided we will do 1, maybe 2 more IUIs. If we have to move to IVF, we are going to consider going to another clinic (meaning: flying to another clinic since the one we are dealing with is the only semi-local one). 

I took my last progesterone suppository last night. I’ve had some cramping, but no spotting and no period yet. What’s the average wait for a period after progesterone?