New year, new cycle

CD 6. Clomid Day 2.

I’ve been taking a break lately. Trying to not discuss or focus on much of anything fertility-related. I didn’t even read any blogs from Christmas Day until yesterday afternoon on our drive back from our mini-vacation.

Overall, our vacation was nice. My hubby “forgot” the snowpants, so we didn’t venture outside for too long. We ate lots of junk food, had a nice bath in the double jacuzzi tub and watched the entire first season of Orange is the New Black. My hubby said he hopes we get to see Alex’s boobs in the next season as hers were the only ones we didn’t get to see. Not joking. I couldn’t believe he was THAT into the show. haha 

For an instant, I wondered if my life would be easier if I was a lesbian? Would I still have the desire to have children? Well, the answer is yes. I think the desire to have children is inherent no matter what your sexual orientation. After reading blogs written by gay couples who are trying to conceive, I give them extra credit!

On the drive home, I also was thinking about my sister. Due to some medical complications, she’s not sure she will be able to have children. She recently asked me what she should do to get tested. I explained a bit about our journey and encouraged her to speak with her doctors sooner rather than later. Then, it hit me:

How would she feel if she discovered she was not able to have children?

Wow. I sincerely hope she never has to go through that. Even though we have unexplained (in)fertilty, I’m confident that we will conceive a child one day. But, you never know what may come your way next.

Christmas Day was a bummer for me. My period was not the gift I was hoping to receive. On the 27th, I received my call back from the fertility clinic. Yeahhhh!!! It was my nice nurse! *whew* So relieved to hear her voice and not the voice of whoever was covering for her on Monday. 

Turns out, my specialist – the one who does my monitoring locally since the clinic is 2 hours away – is on vacation until January 10th. Thanks for informing me, local doctor. My favourite nurse said it wasn’t a problem. She booked me in for my follicle monitoring ultrasounds at another local clinic. First scan is scheduled for this Friday, January 3rd.

She also said I could switch my Clomid from CD 3-7 to CD 5-9. This meant I didn’t have to start my pills until the last day of our weekend getaway. *cue my hubby doing his happy dance* Although my husband didn’t straight-up admit it, I knew he was dreading being stuck alone in a hotel room with Clomid-crazed me.

Clomid and I are getting along better this time. The only side effects I’m experiencing are slight bloating, hot flashes, mild bitchyness, some anxiety and a headache tonight but that may be sugar-induced since I just wolfed down an entire box of Milk Duds. 

We  have no plans for New Year’s Eve yet except for going for supper with another couple. We’ve been invited to a few house parties, so we’ll see where the night leads us. I am one of those people who does not drink on clomid (but no judgement if you do). I just don’t want to risk any set backs and figured if I’m investing this much time/energy/emotion/money into the whole process, I might as well be as “good” as I can be. Yeah, I know. Milk Duds aren’t exactly good for me. haha

I know this post was a bit all over the place, but that’s exactly how my mind has felt lately. Happy, then sad. Willing to do all that it takes, then wanting to give up. This weekend away was much needed, but jumping back on the Clomid bandwagon has left me fuzzy-minded (or is that just emotional) again.

I plan on taking some time tomorrow to set some clear intentions for 2014.

If I don’t catch you before then, have a wonderful new year’s eve! Enjoy the night and embrace the magic. Xo.

Like a kid waiting for Santa

15 DPO. CD 29. Christmas Day.

I was up at 5:50 am. Can you guess why? And no it wasn’t because I was excited to open Santa presents. 

I had to pee on another stick. Ok – two sticks. I did both a FRER and an internet cheapie.

Verdict: still BFN.

My body is wack!

Yesterday, I even jumped the gun and called in my CD1 only to realize a few hours later that my spotting was completely GONE?!?! Luckily, no one was there at the clinic. If today progresses equally as well, I’m going to call back first thing in the morning and actually ask for that blood test. Yes I know. My husband keeps telling me I should have gone Monday. I was still spotting that day. I was discouraged and lacking hope. Plus, I chickened out because I spoke with a different nurse. 

Anyway, yesterday morning I had cramps. Period-like cramps. So I decided to venture to the bathroom and check things out. I was spotting brown but decided to throw in my Diva Cup because cramps typically = oncoming period for me. I realized I put it in inside out (which is actually the right way, but I’m one of those randoms who finds it more comfortable to wear inside out). When I took it out to adjust, it there was a bit of red in the bottom. Ok perfect. Period is here. I was right. 

I got home last night at 7pm and took my cup out to empty it. Except there was barely anything in it? In fact, it contained mainly brown-tinted watery discharge?? Wtf? 

The night continued on and so did my cramps. I continuously made trips to the bathroom expecting to find Aunt Flo making her Christmas entrance. But, she never came and the spotting was completely gone.

So, I went to bed excited like a kid waiting for Santa Clause. Praying for a BFP to make my Christmas the most memorable of my life!

Still no BFP. But… I’m not out of the game yet.

I am so apprehensive about even posting this. I have gone to the bathroom twice to check if I’m spotting since I started writing.There is nothing shittier than the waiting game. I would just like to know either way. 

Could this just be a crazy cycle due to 1st round of Clomid? Or do you think I’m one of those people who will get their BFP at like 17DPO?

Updated: WOW! I should listen to my intuition more. Literally 10 minutes after posting this, I got the death cramps. Been keeled over on the couch with the heating pad for the past hour. Aunt Flo has arrived. Merry Christmas! And we move onto 2014… CD1. IUI #1. Clomid Round 2. 

A dream is a wish your heart makes

CD 27. 13 DPO. 2 days til Christmas.

I changed my mind. I didn’t go for the blood test.

I woke up from a variety of nightmares (yeah I know. my subconscious is just fucked right now. I wonder if it’s due to coming down off the Clomid?) to another BFN, some mild cramps and reddish/brownish spotting. I just figured what’s the point? My period isn’t technically late and it’s definitely showing strong signs of coming.

I spoke with the clinic this morning and the IUI lab isn’t open again until January 6th. Each day longer it takes for my period to arrive is actually a good thing. If Aunt Flo can hold off for a few more days, we have a better chance of not missing this cycle due to the lab being closed.

As the day went on, I was feeling more bloated and PMS-like. Then, like usual, I was smacked across the face by another in-law situation.

I got ambushed last Thursday night. While my hubby was out, my mother-in-law decided to stop by to work things out after my hubby’s confrontation with her. The conversation actually went fairly well. She asked me to explain what we were going through with our fertility stuff because she doesn’t understand (nor has she cared to). I started from the beginning and made sure to include all of the excruciatingly painful details. 😀

For those who are just beginning to follow my story, we have unexplained infertility – except for a condition called Phimosis (a.k.a tight foreskin). My hubby is on the surgical wait list for circumcision. They originally told us 2-3 months on the wait list. It’s now been over 4 months. Our fertility specialist suggested IUI as a interim solution while we wait for surgery.There is not much information out there relating Phimosis to infertility, but it seems to be the only probable barrier (literally – ha!) to us having a baby.

As I explained this to my mother-in-law, she told me that my hubby actually suffered from a few foreskin infections when he was a child. She thought he was about 8 years old when he had his last one. Her doctor just gave her some ointment to treat then. Wonderful. That explains A LOT.

Overall, the convo was decent. My husband ended up coming home for a bit while his mother was still over. She tried to defend my father-in-law and told me he was “starting to feel bad”. (Starting? Just starting to feel bad? WOW!)  I told her his actions were not a reflection of her and that it was his responsibility to resolve them with us.

She begged us to come for Christmas. We said no. She insisted on giving us our gifts before Christmas Day. We said we would get back to her on our availability. When she left, things were smoothed over and we were on good terms – at least with her. I had hope that things would get better.

Fast forward to today…

My husband spoke with his mother yesterday and suggested tonight would work for exchanging gifts. She was supposed to come over at 6:30pm. I was a bit stressed about this as I hoped to get to Costco and pick up my next round of Clomid. I put this thought aside as I felt if she was willing to make an effort, I needed to as well.

At 3:30pm, she called my husband at work and said she wouldn’t be able to make it. His dad wanted to go to a friend’s son’s hockey game. She was going to the game with him and didn’t have time to come by. She said she would call tomorrow and maybe she would have time to come over then.

When are you going to have time to come over tomorrow when you know my hubby is working til 4 pm, I am volunteering until 7 pm, and you are cooking Christmas supper for your other son and his wife? Crazy lady – I tell ya! 

I was livid. I was hurt. I was questioning why I even bothered wasting the energy speaking with her last Thursday. What happened to her seemingly sympathetic approach, her desire to understand why we felt unsupported, and her offer to help?

It all was a farce.  Nothing will change.

I must result to lowering my (almost rock bottom) expectations again. They showed us what was more important to them and it obviously isn’t rebuilding our relationship.

This is why we are not going for Christmas was all my husband would say to me about it. And, he’s more than right this time.

As I drove home from work feeling emotionally defeated, the following song came on the radio. I cried and cried. How much is too much? I’m done with my in-laws but I’m not willing to give up on my fertility journey. I thought of my husband as I sang along, “I won’t give up if you don’t give up...”

I still believe that this in-law drama happened to bring my hubby and I closer together. Deep in the pit of my stomach, I hope it subsides as I really want to do all I can to stay relaxed and positive during next month’s journey.

My dream didn’t come true, but that doesn’t mean isn’t foreshadowing the hopefully near future.

I wish that 2014 ends up being a heartfelt year of dreams coming true for us… and you too.

Congrats to all of the beautiful women who received their BFPs today. Thank you for sharing your stories with me. You bring me strength and give me hope.

Merry Christmas. Xo.

All I want for Christmas is…

Preface: I know the second after I hit Publish Post, my period will probably start gushing. Because you know, that’s just how life goes… 

CD 26. 12 DPO. 3 days til Christmas.

A few years ago when we first started trying, I had a prego dream where I was hugely pregnant. Since then, I’ve had a few dreams about other people being pregnant, but none about myself.

Two nights ago, I had a BFP dream. 

I was sitting in a doctor’s office waiting for the results of my blood test.

I could hear the nurses out in the hallway saying, “Did you tell her yet? Did you tell her?”

My nurse responded with, “No, I’m going to right now.”

She entered the room, held up a pregnancy test and said, “Congratulations! You are pregnant. It’s positive!”. The test had a pink + sign on it.

I didn’t believe her at first. I asked her if she was sure that it was my results.

She told me again, “Yes, you are pregnant!”.

I started to smile and get excited… then I woke up.

Yes, I know. Consciously, this doesn’t make much sense. Did the nurse put my blood on the pregnancy test to get a + result? I dunno. It doesn’t matter. Point is: it was positive! 

Wow. WTF does this mean? 

Since the test in my dream looked like a First Response (except it did the + like a Clear Blue?), I decided to drive to Shopper’s Drug Mart and pick one up. I’ve been using internet cheapies lately to save some moo-lah. Curiosity always gets the best of me. I tend to test way too early. 8DPO = BFN, 10 DPO = BFN. 

I waited til this morning to test using the First Response and got another BIG FAT BFN! ugh FML again x1billion 

This leaves me at 12DPO = BFN.

Other symptoms include:

• Minimal spotting – Mainly light brown. One red wipe again yesterday. Barely anything today. In fact, it’s almost gone away! Could this be a good sign? Stop it with the signs Lindsey! 
• Barely-there bloat
• Occasional hot flashes

Verdict: really not much of anything. It’s still technically early for Aunt Flo. These are the days I really wish I kept temping. 

Since I don’t have my period yet?, I realized my luteal phase isn’t going to be that short. *whew* Cross that off my crazy (in)fertile worry list.

The game plan for tomorrow is to call the fertility clinic and get that blood test requisition. The nurse told me I could do a blood test if I didn’t have my period by December 23. She knew their office would be closed for a few days and doing the test tomorrow would give us an answer before Christmas. Once I’ve spoken with the clinic, I am heading straight to the lab. 

If it’s positive, I am going to thank God, baby Jesus, Jolly Old St. Nick and even the Grinch himself for making my Christmas miracle come true.

If it’s a negative, I’m heading to Costco to pick up my clomid. And patiently wait for good ol’ Aunt Flo to appear… again.

Please send your positive thoughts my way. I’ll update you tomorrow. 🙂

It’s beginning to look like a Clomid Christmas!

CD 24. 10 DPO. 5 days til Christmas. 

This morning I had a small glimmer of hope start to sparkle inside of me.

11:00 am – First bathroom break at work: I wipe. No mucky discharge. In fact, it’s turned into a much lighter brown and almost watery! 

Maybe my mother is right? Who ever wants to admit that? She kept telling me to hang on and that there still was a chance. Say some prayers Lindsey. It may work out. 

This is potentially AWESOME! I can surprise hubby just in time for Christmas! He’s going to be so excited. I’m going to be so excited! Our miracle is here!… maybe?

Don’t get too excited. Tone it down a notch. Remember that gut feeling? 

1:30 pm – Second bathroom break at work: I wipe. BRIGHT FUCKING RED.

Lovely. Thanks for that mind-fuck this morning Aunt Flo. I see we are going to get along nicely again. 

3:00 pm – Third bathroom break at work: I wipe. Dark brown. 

Oh so this is how you want to do it? You think playing hide and seek AGAIN is going to make our relationship better? You are the Grinch, Aunt Flo. Can’t you find a bit of Christmas spirit in you? 

I was right. I know my body too well. *whomp, whomp, whomp*

I hope the red river starts gushing sooner rather than later. Lucky me. I’ll probably be on Clomid over Christmas! Not really the miracle I had asked for. 

I won’t know for sure until the flow starts, but it appears my luteal phase is really short this month. Has anyone else experienced that on Clomid? 

 

 

 

Being realistic as we get closer to Christmas

CD 23. 9dpo. 5 days til expected period (ha! Like I ever want it to come). 6 days til Christmas.

I was extremely hopeful a week ago, but right now, my instinct tells me I’m not pregnant.

Two days ago, I started checking my CM and cervical position internally again – first pinkish mucus, then brownish mucus, now brownish mixed with red mucus. Cervix is low, very low. This is typical for a normal cycle for me. Aunt Flo is inevitably on her way.

I had to warn my hubby. He’s been reading baby name books and one night, he even talked to my belly. Ugh. Great. How will be react to this one? He shouldn’t have done that until we were certain, but I am glad he is hopeful.

He didn’t want to believe me. I’ve been tracking my body long enough that I know. I just know.

My mother-in-law threw a hissy fit once it finally sunk in that we wouldn’t be attending family Christmas. She freaked out on the confident who informed me of what my father-in-law said about us. I’m sure the fact that she didn’t know who told me was probably eating at her more than the fact that we have been upset with them for a long time due to their lack of support. It sucks that people blame others when they aren’t willing to self-reflect and admit that they may have done something wrong.

I feel like maybe my lil’ bean is holding off until we sort out some of this persistent family drama. Waiting sucks. I guess it makes sense to work it out now, so we don’t have to deal with it later. I really hope lil’ bean realizes we are ready and strong enough to protect them. Come on little one! 

We are heading to my husband’s Aunt and Uncle’s for Christmas supper. They don’t have any biological kids. It will be just them and us this year.  I often say that they are my husband’s second parents as they give unconditional love and support to us. We are truly blessed to have them in our lives.

After that, we’re packing the dogs up and taking a road trip to Alberta. We will be hibernating at Elk Water Lake Lodge from December 27-29.  I’m looking forward to some peace and tranquillity. It’s much needed after this month.

Sending baby dust to those of you still waiting for your Christmas miracles! Xoxo.

My husband is my superhero

It’s been 5 days since my IUI was cancelled. I’m doing surprisingly well.  I’m feeling much better now that the Clomid is out of my system.

This was the first month of my life that I can honestly say I felt ovulation. Thank you Clomid for doing one positive thing for me. 

My husband is being very optimistic. In fact, right now he’s sitting on the other couch reading a baby names book and laughing at the meaning of his name – “One like God” and our male dog’s name – “Greatest One, Superior “. Ya right. haha 

If nothing else, this month has reminded me that my hubby is an amazing husband. He made me home made soup this week. He took time off work for sex. He held me while I cried.  And most of all, he stood up to his parents. Yes. You read that correctly.  

My in-laws know that we are going to appointments and dealing with fertility specialists, but THEY HAVE NEVER ASKED US EVEN ONE QUESTION ABOUT IT. I wish I was joking, but I’m not. 

My hubby comes from a family where communication is very dysfunctional. They avoid all issues, deny the truth, lie to each other, never express emotion, etc. It’s sad really.

His parents have not called since the confrontation between my father-in-law and myself.

I caved and emailed my mother-in-law. I told her that we were doing fertility treatments this month and I would not be attending a cousin’s baby shower. She responded with 101 questions. I avoid answering the majority of them.  I thanked her for offering to help. I told her her email made my hubby feel more supported.  Translation: Call your son. He needs you right now. Ask him those 101 questions in person.

No response. No phone call. The morning that we found out that our IUI was cancelled, she finally responded via email asking whether or not I was coming to the shower and if I would be bringing the punch. Can you read woman? I told you NO two weeks ago! You agreed to make the punch! WTF!

Well, that was enough for my hubby too. He called his mother up and reamed her out. He told her he was sick of her not caring and if she wanted to help she should start by asking us how we are doing. He told her that all she cares about is perogies and punch when we are dealing with so much more. He told her to stop emailing me. He told her she has two sons, but she only cares about his brother. He told her we would not be coming for Christmas and we did not want to hear from them for a long time.

She showed up at our house that evening and tried to apologize. He told her he wasn’t ready to accept her apology and that she should leave.

This week, I’ve spent lots of time meditating and grounding myself. I used to be the kind of person who would dwell on a situation like this, but this time I’m moving forward.

If this month ends in a BFN, I will move steadily into next month knowing that we made huge progress on a relationship level. My heart is full with love and admiration for my husband. We have never been stronger. I have never been prouder.

This is a huge step for him, a huge step for us.

We can do this. We can make it through anything – crazy families and all. 

IUI is cancelled

Yesterday at about 3:30 pm, I had a sharp pang in the left ovary, the one with the dominant follicle. I had a dentist appointment  at 4pm, so off I went to the dentist and tried to ignore it.

By the time I was done, I couldn’t ignore it. I was bloated and sore, extremely sore. So sore that it hurt to sit, it hurt to laugh and it hurt even more when my husband and I had sex. 

He didn’t believe me. He didn’t think the doctors could be wrong. Wasn’t that why I was taking drugs? To time everything perfectly? 

My body has a mind of it’s own. 

This morning, the symptoms had subsided. It took me 45 minutes to get through to my my specialist’s office on the phone. They told me to call the fertility clinic. I left a message and received a call back a few minutes later from a nurse. She was very reassuring. She agreed with me that the clomid had intensified my symptoms and that I most likely had ovulated. She was going to try to get me into my specialist for an ultrasound to confirm whether I was right or not. I knew my specialist was at the hospital today, but I hoped she would agree. 

The nurse called me back and said the IUI was being cancelled. My specialist couldn’t fit me in, so they didn’t want to make me trigger without confirming whether or not ovulation had occurred. She believed me that it had and didn’t want me to waste the time (2.5 hour drive) to the clinic or the money for the procedure. 

I’ll go for blood work on December 23 if my period hasn’t arrived yet. If it does arrive, we will move onto our first IUI cycle next month. The fertility clinic has assured me that I will be monitored more closely if we have to move forward. 

I knew that I ovulate naturally. I agreed to the drugs because they were supposed to make it easier to time it. I guess they didn’t fail at that. The ovulation symptoms were beyond obvious, but the IUI timing was off. 

Initially, I was mad at the doctors. They admitted a mix-up. When the clinic booked my IUI, it was based on Friday, not Monday’s ultrasound results. But even then, my doctor’s guesstimate was off. I started ovulating before her suggested trigger time. My body wouldn’t have fit into either one of their schedules. 

So, I left work at noon and drove home crying. This is why I kept telling my hubby we needed to strive for sex every other day. He was trying to “save it up” for the IUI. This is why us women have to be in tune with our bodies and act as our own advocates within the medical system. 

This afternoon, I was still feeling some twinges, but this time over my right ovary. I called my husband and asked him to come home early. We had sex. I put on my fertility meditation and listened to the transfer/insemination day. We fell asleep. 

In the end, our timing was pretty bang on. Let’s just hope it worked. 

Christmas time’s a coming and I know I’ll be hiding out at home!

You got it. That’s my plan. I ain’t seeing anyone for Christmas this year.

We will be 11DPO, 12DPIUI on Christmas Day.

Pregnant or not, I don’t need to explain myself to my husband’s family.

“How did your um, ugh, whatever you went to that doctor for go?” If you don’t know what it is, you don’t deserve to know. Go fuck yourself.

“I wasn’t sure what you needed for Christmas this year so I bought you this [extremely useless] gift” Thank you for your gift. I appreciate that you tried. I most likely will be donating it to the local women’s shelter, so someone in need can actually get some use from it. Next time, I’ll take cash donations to fund our fertility treatments? Or a miracle? How much do miracles cost? bah! whatever… go fuck yourself.

“Why aren’t you drinking?” I choose not to drink so that my filter stays in place. Otherwise, I’d tell all of you what I really think about how insensitive and careless you are. Fa, la, la, la, la… go fuck yourself.

This year, I’m putting myself first. I’m not being a Grinch. Alright, I kinda am. Whatever. 

Instead, I plan on calling my parents, my sister, my brother and my best friend to tell them Merry Christmas and that I love them.

I plan on cuddling up on the couch by the fireplace with my husband and my fur-babies watching my favourite movies: White Christmas, The Sound of Music and Dirty Dancing.

I plan on eating whatever we feel like – I might even order a pizza! Are there pizza places open on Christmas day?

But most of all, I plan on reflecting on this past year and everything we are grateful for: our health, our jobs, our fur-babies, our home, each other, and especially all of the friends and family who have offered us support on our fertility journey. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

If any of you are having a hard time this holiday season, you should read 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility: Preparing for the Christmas Hellidays. It made me chuckle.

I hope that instead of hanging a bunch of BFNs from our tree, maybe – just maybe –  we will be able to see a BIG SHINY BFP!

Sending love and light to anyone else on their fertility journey this holiday season. Xoxo.

Side note: To follow-up on  Dildo cams, growing eggs and frozen pre-seed – oh my! – YES, the pre-seed came frozen. Rock. Solid. Frozen. The company says it will be fine. I told them to avoid these issues in our frigid Canadian winters, they should consider adding heat packs to their packages or require a signature for delivery. Then, I took a deep breath so I didn’t get all (in)fertile crazy on them. 😀

Amazon drones will deliver babies?!? I’m in!

For a tech-geek like me, this comic is amusing. Check it out: http://www.geekculture.com/joyoftech/joyarchives/1933.html

This may seem absurd to fertile people, but not to me. Now that we’re moving into IUI, I feel like we’ve entered the “anything goes” territory.

Dildo cam up my vajay-jay 5 X a month? Sure why not! Insert catheter into cervix – a hole that normally only microscopic sperm swim through? Sign me up! Remove all forms of intimacy and turn the conception of my child into a medical procedure? There’s nothing uncomfortable about that! 

I had my second follicle monitoring ultrasound this morning. We have one follicle measuring a ripe 17, and another at 13. Still a few days to go.

I finally spoke to the clinic in Saskatoon. This place really does exist!

Our schedule is:

• Wednesday December 11 at 10 pm – HCG trigger shot
• Friday December 13 at 8:00 am – Hubby’s appointment to provide the goods; at 9:45 am – I’m in for IUI.

Since we do not have a fertility clinic in our city, we have to travel 2.5 hours to the nearest clinic. I am so grateful that we got in with a doctor who has a partnership with the clinic = no referral wait list.

Canadian winters are unpredictable. I don’t need to be stranded in the middle of nowhere in a blizzard come appointment time. So, I booked us into the Delta Bessborough the night before. This place reminds me of a castle and I deserve to feel like a princess for at least one night this month.

That leaves us at CD 13. 4 days til IUI.

Wish me luck.

I’m praying for a Christmas miracle.